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Oil change instructions

Submitted: Friday, Oct 01, 2004 at 17:06

Neil & Lynne

Oil changing for men and women.....saw this on breammaster.com, it seems appropriate....

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:

1) Pull up to Car-Care Garage after driving 10,000 kms since the last oil
change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 30 minutes later write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money Spent:
Oil Change $55.00
Coffee - Free
Total $ 55.00
___________________________________________

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, oil filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $95.00.
2) Stop by Liqourland and buy a carton of beer, write a cheque for $30.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end spanner.
9) Give up and use pliers.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: Splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Swear.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up, crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among rubbish in wheelie bin to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Finish rest of beers with mate who shows up. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Sunday: Skip mowing lawn and taking kids to footy because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to Liqourland and buy more beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
24) D'oh! Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud to find drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower fuel.
29) Discover that first Litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid pliers tightening drainplug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorpan in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin swearing fit.
34) Throw stupid pliers.
35) Swear for additional 10 minutes because pliers make hole in Miss August 2004.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush container of remaining new oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over for RBT
48) Fake astonishment at high reading.
49) Get charged, and have car impounded.
50) Call loving wife, make bail.
51) 12 hours later, get car from impounding yard.

Money spent:
Parts $95.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $60.00.

Total-- $4230.00

__________________

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AnswerID: 78555   Submitted: Friday, Oct 01, 2004 at 20:01

Penguin (NSW) replied:

That's just BRILLIANT! Love it.

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Jackson's Crossing - Victorian High Country
Reply 1 of 5
AnswerID: 78556   Submitted: Friday, Oct 01, 2004 at 20:09

CUM800 replied:

Love the keyword matches "Trips with kids
Reply 2 of 5
AnswerID: 78577   Submitted: Friday, Oct 01, 2004 at 23:55

Member - Royce replied:

I knew I was doing it right!
Mt Wellington Tas.... a long ago van.
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Royce
Reply 3 of 5
AnswerID: 78610   Submitted: Saturday, Oct 02, 2004 at 17:07

Member - glenno (QLD) replied:

changing oil
Reply 4 of 5
FollowupID: 338098   Submitted: Saturday, Oct 02, 2004 at 17:59

Rick Blaine posted:

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh a new use for silicone.....
FollowUp 1 of 1
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AnswerID: 80104   Submitted: Wednesday, Oct 13, 2004 at 19:00

GaryInOz (Vic) replied:

Another very thoughtful addition from anothe board:

I think they forgot a few after #9:

10.) Strip drain plug threads.
11.) Walk to Autozone for new drain plug.
12.) Discover they are out of needed drain plug.
13.) Have Autozone order new drain plug.
14.) Walk home.
15.) Drink beer.
16.) Walk back to Autozone the next day only to discover they ordered the wrong drain plug and they don't even carry the drain you need.
17.) Curse.
18.) Curse some more.
19.) Walk to stealership to by new drain plug.
20.) Surprise! - it's not in stock.
21.) Curse.
22.) Order new drain plug from stealership.
23.) Walk home.
24.) Drink beer.
25.) Walk back to stealership to pick up new drain plug.
26.) Write check for $25.
27.) Curse.
28.) Walk home.
29.) Get arrested for public intoxication.
30.) Call loving wife, make bail.
31.) Back at home, now, use vice grips to unscrew drain plug.
Continue at #11.

Reply 5 of 5