Member - Toonfish replied:

FOGHMSLMFAO!

muzzimbidgie replied:

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies." So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."

The foreman is reallybleepoff now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells...."Supplies!

muzzimbidgie replied:

A LESSON LEARNED

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in everyway; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once... What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said "We are very happy and pleased; you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."



Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.

muzzimbidgie replied:

BEER STUDY

Bad news about beer. You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Yesterday, scientists suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men:

a.. Gained weight,

b.. Talked excessively without making sense,

c.. Became overly emotional,

d.. Couldn't drive,

e.. Failed to think rationally,

f.. Argued over nothing,

g.. Had to sit down while urinating,

h.. Showed no interest in sex,

i.. Refused to apologize when wrong, and

No further testing is planned.

muzzimbidgie replied:

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back,
"SCARF!"

muzzimbidgie replied:

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Yesterday you took my license away, and today you expect me to show it to you!"

fisho64 replied:

after 10 years marriage a blokes wife tells him she wants bigger boobs, and its gonna cost $5000

He suggests she tries the toilet paper method as its cheaper

"how?" she says

"well you get a bit of dunny paper and a couple of times a day you rub it between your breasts"

"that wont work "she says.

"why not" he says " it worked on your friggin arse didnt it