Penguin (NSW) replied:

This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Ireland, and
even though it may sound like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real!

It was the middle of a very dark and stormy night, a guy was on the side
of the road hitch hiking. As the night rolled on, cars were scarce, and
no lights lined the street. The storm was so strong he could barely see
a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly in the distance he saw the head lights of a car coming towards
him and without any reason it slowed to a stand still beside him.

Without hesitation, the guy hurriedly gets into the car and closes the
door only to realize there is no one sitting behind the wheel.

All of a sudden the car begins to move, the guy looks at the road ahead
and notices a sharp curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray,
begging for his life.

Still in shock, but just before he hits the curve, a hand appears
through the window and turns the wheel.

Paralysed with terror, the guy watches how the hand appears every time
they approach a curve.

Gathering all the strength he has, the guy grabs the door latch, rolls
out onto the pavement and runs as fast as he can to the nearest town.

Dripping wet and in shock the guy runs into a crowded local bar, asks
for two shots of whisky and begins to tell everybody about the horrible
experience he just went through.
Everyone is glued in silence and amazement as they notice the guy
shaking, crying but clearly not drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walk into the same bar and in
amazement one says to the other:

"Look Mick, their's that as*h*le that got in the car when we were
pushing it!"

Member - Pezza (QLD) replied:

Women know how to do it faster! And cheaper!

_Oil Change Instructions For Women_

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

_Money Spent_

Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00

Total $21.00


_Oil Change Instructions For Men_

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2. Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off

16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener

18. Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27. Drink beer.

28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30. Drink beer.

31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33. Begin cussing fit.

34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.

36. Beer.

37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38. Beer.

39. Beer.

40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41. Beer.

42. Lower car from jack stands.

43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45. Beer.

46. Test drive car.

47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48. Car gets impounded.

49. Call loving wife, make bail.

50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

_Money Spent_

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00 _

Total $4165.00

-- But you know the job was done right!