Redback replied:

What do you call an aussie with his mouth shut??

DEAD!!!

cabbageoz replied:

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you
tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us
have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

>An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached
>the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor
>for today?"
>
>"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
>
>The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
>crowded office and say things like that."
>
>"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
>
>The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
>this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
>with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the
>doctor in private."
>
>The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others,
>if the answer could embarrass anyone."
>
>The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The
>receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
>
>"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded
>approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
>
>"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
>
>"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
>
>A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.
>
>The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.
>
>A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: Dear Sir, Sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
>
>Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a really rude letter of complaint.
>
>The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master

bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do
this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leavingv this house, I want a divorce!"
The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave,at least
listen to what happened"
"Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hearfrom you.
But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!"
The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young
lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went
ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well
dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days.
With great compassion I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas
that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
you'll gain weight; the poor thing practically devoured them."
"Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a shower.
While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes
so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of
jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear
because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave
you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste."
"I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you
will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that
you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you
saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."
The husband continues his story . . .
"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.When
we got to the door she turned around and with tears comingout of he reyes,
she asks me:
"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

cabbageoz replied:

Dear Technical Support
18 months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.

This conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Mercedes hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Any Ideas?

Scoey replied:

What do you get when you ross a reindeer with a pickle??

A Dill-doe! ;-)

Jeepster replied:

Keep it as it keeps us amused here in the Solomon Islands!!

Jeepster

Jeepster replied:

please keep them coming every friday as it keeps us amused here in the Solomon Islands!!

Jeepster

Clarrie replied:

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard
walks past and looks up and says to the koala: "Hey! what are you doing?"
The koala says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they
have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry'
and is going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls
into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little
lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "What's the
matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting
smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell
into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check
this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala
is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and yells out: "Hey
you!"
The koala looks down and says ...
"Faaaaarrrrk dude ... how much water did you drink?!"

Member - Paul J (ACT) replied:

Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush.

You have AIDS."

Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Raisin Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for."

cobber replied:

Being the 60th anniversary of the battle of Britain, the local Rotary club thought it would be a good idea to have a RAAF (Royal Australian Air Force) guest speaker at its ladies night talking about his experiences during the 2nd world war in England, so they arranged with the local RAAF retirement village to have one of there members give a talk………….The speaker turned out to be a Lancaster pilot who had flown many sorties over Germany…………..The speaker, had a bit of a stutter, and waffled on and on, and during his speech came to the part when he was descending to make his bombing run over Berlin.……………….”And all of a sudden I looked and there were 4, Fock Fock Fock Fockers on my port wing and another 4, Fock Fock Fock Fockers on my starboard wing and another 2, Fock Fock Fock Fockers above me”…….AT that point the President of the Rotary Club who was a bit of a plane buff, got up and said, ladies and gentlemen, I think that I should point out to you, that our guest speaker is referring to the famous German fighter plane the FOCKE WULF 190, which was regarded at that time as Germanys best fighter plane, it flew for the first time on 1st of June 1941 and became fully operational on the 1st July 1941 it had a maximum speed of 389mph a range of 497miles and carried 4 machine guns and 2 cannons and there were 13,367 built during the war, and because of its speed and handling even the RAF and RAAF pilots agreed that the Focke Wulf 190 out performed the Spitfire……AT that point the Guest speaker got up and said, NO NO NO NO Mr president these Fock Fock Fock Fockers were MESSERSCHMITTS.

Member - toohey replied:

g'day
a young bride to be to be goes to the doctor for a check up after this he asks if there is any thing she would like to ask about the male body to prepare her for her wedding night. she says she accidently saw her husband naked but was not sure of the correct terms used,so asks what is the correct name for her future husband "thing" the doctor replies the bleep ,she asks what is the bit at the end called the doctor replies the head,she asks what are the two round things about 12 inches from the head the doctor replies if it was me it would be the cheeks of me bum.