cackles replied:

I'm still laughing my arse off!!!!


Women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new
shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each
outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't
even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that
b#tch knows I'm smarter than her.

Member - Stephen M (NSW) replied:

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialled the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," the whisper answered.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helochopter." answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The helochopter just landed at my house."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.

"ME.!!!
Regards Steve M

Mr Fawlty replied:

My debauched contribution for the week....

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's bleep . The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his bleep , penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "If neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrusts continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," the physician panted. "I'm going to drown the little bugger!"

Member No 1 replied:

WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU?

IF YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?

IF YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?

SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?

HELLOOOO!!!!!!!!!

YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG bleep ING HOUSE!

Member - Scott M (NSW) replied:

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25
years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed
and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night
with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but
I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa
bed....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ......whether
you're here or not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

******************************
Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in
bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends
and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother
of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts
right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

**************************************
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that
the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an
early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it
where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see
why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
**************************************

Bonz (Vic) replied:

For those contemplating marriage in any form.

Dear Tech Support:



Last year I upgraded from *Girlfriend version 7.0* to *_Wife

version 1.0_*. I soon noticed that the new program began

unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and

valuable resources. In addition _, *Wife 1.0*_ installed

itself into all other programs and now monitors all other

system activity. Applications such as *Poker Night 10.3 *,

*Football 5.0* , *Hunting and Fishing 7.5*, and *Racing 3.6

*I can't seem to keep *_Wife 1.0_* in the background while

attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking

about going back to *Girlfriend 7.0* , but the uninstall

doesn't work on *_Wife 1.0_*. Please help!



Thanks,



*

A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)*



___________________________________



REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:



This is a very common problem that men complain about.



Many people upgrade from *Girlfriend 7.0* to *Wife 1.0*,

thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment

program. *Wife 1.0* is an *OPERATING SYSTEM.*.



You cannot go back to *Girlfriend 7.0* because *Wife 1.0* is

designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual

under *Warnings-Alimony-Child Support*. I recommend that you

keep *Wife1.0* and work on improving the situation. I

suggest installing the background application *"Yes Dear"

*to alleviate software augmentation.



The best course of action is to enter the command*

C:\APOLOGIZE *because ultimately you will have to give the

APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal

anyway.



*Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high

maintenance *. *Wife 1.0* comes with several support

programs, such as *Clean and Sweep 3.0* , *Cook It 1.5* and

*Do Bills 4.2*.



However_, be very careful how you use these programs_ .

Improper use will cause the system to launch the program*

/_Nag Nag_/ /_9.5_/* Once this happens, the only way to

improve the performance of* Wife 1.0* is to purchase

additional software. I recommend *Flowers 2.1* and *Diamonds

5.0* !



*WARNING!!! DO NOT* , under any circumstances, install

*Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3*. This application is not

supported by* Wife 1.0* and will /_cause irreversible damage

to the operating system.

_/

Best of luck,

Tech Support

dublediff replied:

7 DEGREES OF BLONDE

'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some
woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."


'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde
says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:-
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the
gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun
and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She
proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says,
"OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's
easy: W."

'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:-
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That
was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the
Delaware"


'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:-,_,.-:*´'´*:-.,_,.-:*´'´*:
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer
approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on
the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat
down n the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."