ImEasy replied:

>A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his
>English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he
>rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce
>for him.
>
>The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
>circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
>
>
>Have you any grounds?
>Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
>
>No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
>It made of concrete.
>
>I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
>No, we have carport, and not need one.
>
>I mean. What are your relations like?
>All my relations still in Poland.
>
>Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
>We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
>
>Does your wife beat you up?
>No, I always up before her
>
>Is your wife a nagger?
>No, she white.
>
>Why do you want this divorce?
>She is going to kill me.
>
>What makes you think that?
>I got proof.
>
>What kind of proof?
>She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in
>the bathroom.
>
>I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover."

Des Lexic replied:

>An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American
> tourists the
> >>>>Top
> >>>>End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the
> >>>>Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land,
> through the air,
> >>>>under the sea.
> >>>>
> >>>>The Americans were incredulous.
> >>>>
> >>>>Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and
> >>>>discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an
> Aborigine. He had one
> >>>>ear
> >>>>pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held
> high in the air.
> >>>>
> >>>>The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered
> around the
> >>>>prostrate Aborigine.
> >>>>
> >>>>"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and
> what are you
> >>>>listening for?"
> >>>>
> >>>>The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a
> 1971 Valiant
> >>>>Ute.
> >>>>It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is
> out of whack and
> >>>>it
> >>>>has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the
> back, all
> >>>>drinking
> >>>>warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6
> dogs on the
> >>>>front
> >>>>seat."
> >>>>
> >>>>The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this
> precise and
> >>>>detailed
> >>>>knowledge.
> >>>>
> >>>>"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.
> >>>>
> >>>>The Aborigine replied,"I fell out of the damned thing
> about half an
> >>>>hour
> >>>>ago!"
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>

Member - John L G replied:

Marketing

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. People often ask for a simple explanation of the term, so here it is:

1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say: "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him, points at you, says: "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. Next day you call and say: "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say: "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say: "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says: "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

7. Your friend can't satisfy him, so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.

8. You're on your way to a party when you realise that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one and shout at the top of your lungs: "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.

Leroy replied:

Should a child witness childbirth?
> > Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
> > house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl
> > to
> > hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
> > deliver the baby.
> > Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
> > Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The
> > paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
> > Connor began to cry.
> > The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
> > wide-eyed
> > 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
> > Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
> > first place......smack his arse again!"

tomjones83 replied:

My apologies to: Truckster, Bilbo, Willem, Crazydog & Roachie. You guys were the test subjects - well after I completed it with my name in there the first time :-P
---
The Jerry Springer Show : Episode 627 : "Marriage Meltdown!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[The crowd starts chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"]

Jerry: Tonight on "The Jerry Springer Show" we have a particularly interesting episode! Truckster is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend, Bilbo. So everyone, please put your hands together for Truckster!

[The crowd whoops and hollers]

Jerry: Okay, now Truckster you're here to talk about someone aren't you?

You: Yes.

Jerry: And what is this other person's name?

You: Roachie.

[The crowd squeals with delight]

Jerry: Okay, okay, well Roachie, is actually here tonight ..

[The crowd squeals]

Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Truckster, because as it happens there is someone else here to see you! So let's bring out ... Willem!

You: What the HELL!!!

[Out of nowhere you pull out a Nissan Patrol. Willem reaches for the Chair. Out of the shadows Crazydog appears]

Crazydog: Wait everybody, wait!

Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First, tell us why you're here Willem.

Willem: Because I saw Truckster and Crazydog making out at ARB!

[The crowd goes absolutely insane]

Crazydog: That's a lie! I was home watching CSI - SVU!

Jerry: [raising his hands] Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here ... what exactly is the problem Willem?

Willem: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Bilbo who has recently become engaged to Crazydog.

[The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement]

Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Bilbo out here because Truckster had something that they needed to tell them anyway about ... Roachie that's right!

Bilbo: [enters onto stage and saunters over towards you] What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Roachie! You know how I feel about Roachie!

Crazydog: [screams] What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Roachie!

Bilbo: Because I knew that I could never have Roachie. But Truckster promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!

Crazydog: What about respect for my feelings!

[Willem walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Bilbo]

Willem: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.

[Again the crowd squeals]

Crazydog: Oh my God! Are you sick!?

[Crazydog runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly]

Crazydog: Truckster take me away from all of this!

You: You see? That's the thing ... I'm ... well, I'm married ..

[The crowd does its bit]

Crazydog: Married?

[You nod]

Crazydog: Who the hell are you married to? When ... when did this happen? I don't understand!

You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Roachie.

Bilbo: [screaming] WHAT!!!

Jerry: [grinning widely, makes an enquiry] So ... did you have a nice wedding night?

Roachie: [stepping back out onto center stage] Well we had sex 62 times if that's what you mean.

[The crowd squeals]

Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight ... Truckster is married to Roachie who Bilbo has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Bilbo has recently become engaged to Crazydog who was recently spotted kissing Truckster in ARB. Now on top of this, Willem has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Bilbo.

Roachie: That's right Jerry.

Jerry: [looking sternly into the camera] It's times like these that one has to wonder whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks - it's been great - but for now, take care of yourselves ... and each other.

[Cue cheesy background music and fade to black]

Member - Ross H (QLD) replied:

Flat Belly!!!!!

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad
bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about
what her son has seen.

She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks,
"What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I
have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" the mom asked,
puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up."

Regards Ross

Bonz (Vic) replied:

The English cricket board are making a help-line available for disillusioned fans who are disappointed with their team's 'shock'
crushing by Australia in the 2006/2007 Ashes Tour.

The help-line number is 1800 10 10 10

That's 1800 won nothing won nothing won nothing!!!

Greg1952 replied:

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that

Three Brazilian soldiers had just been killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement all colour ran from Bush's face and with his

head in hands, visibly shaking and almost whimpering he asked Rumsfeld,

























"Just exactly how many - is a brazillion?"

Member - Doug T (W.A) replied:

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong
buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would
be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

Mark & Jo, S/side, Bris replied:

Hey Mr Fawlty!

Since you are one of the Friday Funnie legends, maybe you'll remember one from the other week, I thought I saved it but obviously not.. and to be honest I had the site search so I'd rather just ask and someone will know someone who posted it!!

It was the story of the Tong Master? the barbeque and sausages one?

Have you got it?

Cheers
Jo