Kev M (NSW) replied:

A man was driving down an isolated road when his car stopped,
He checked the fuel gauge and realised that he had run out of fuel,

While sitting in his car pondering what to do next a Bee showed up and
asked what the problem was,
The bloke replied that he had run out of fuel,

The Bee said "Wait there I'll be right back",

A few minutes later a huge swarm of Bees flew down the road on dived straight into the fuel tank of the blokes car,

Several minutes later the Bees flew out of the fuel tank
and the Bee said "try it now",

The bloke hit the ignition and low and behold it started.

The bloke asked the Bee what they had done,

The Bee with a smile on its face camly replied "BP"

Member - Brian H (QLD) replied:

Recently I took a look at my wife and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.

Brian

Borderline replied:

Church was in full swing..... Pews were packed. Suddenly, Satan appeared at
the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the
front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from
the evil incarnate. Soon everyone had left the church except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming
oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So
Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man
replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope,
sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you? with a
word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in
an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying,
AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "and
you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than
a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The
man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Mr Fawlty replied:

I really enjoy the humour on Friday - I think our hosts should be applauded for allowing it to continue....

Twelve of the finest double-entendres that were
Aired on British TV & Radio.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava
from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when
Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is a really a
lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah,
isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox
of the Oxford Crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer)
is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them . Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time
Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much
better today after getting a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a
male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come
in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie
Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick
likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Dustin replied:

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f**king widow."

Member - Matt M (ACT) replied:

A man was fishing. He began his outing with a 25kg Kingfish on the first drop and a 20 lb snapper on the second.
On the third drop he had just scored his first ever King Terakihi When his mobile rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving, what was shaping up to be, his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital.

He ended up catching several personal bests, and all in all, had his best days fishing by far. He was jubilant....
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept Fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last!"

"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .

The doctor snickered and said, "Just f *ck ing with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's appendage and notices there's a
Nicorette patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your appendage."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

Des Lexic replied:

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day
>>>>>and
>>>>>most of
>>>>>
>>>>> the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking
>>>>>anymore
>>>>>tonight
>>>>>
>>>>> Paddy"
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> Paddy replies "Olroight Mick, I'll be on me way then."
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls
>>>>>flat
>>>>>on
>>>>>
>>>>> his face. Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the
>>>>>stool
>>>>>and dusts
>>>>>
>>>>> himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls
>>>>>flat
>>>>>on
>>>>>
>>>>> his face. Shoite, Shoite!"
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he
>>>>>can
>>>>>just
>>>>>
>>>>> get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He
>>>>>belly
>>>>>crawls to the
>>>>>
>>>>> door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his
>>>>>head
>>>>>outside and
>>>>>
>>>>> takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and
>>>>>takes a step
>>>>>
>>>>> out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
>>"Bi'Jesus...
>>>>>I'm
>>>>>
>>>>> fockin' focked," he says.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls
>>>>>to the
>>>>>
>>>>> door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door
>>>>>and
>>>>>shimmies
>>>>>
>>>>> inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No
>>>>>fockin'
>>way".
>>>>>He Crawls up
>>>>>
>>>>> the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it
>>>>>to the
>>
>>>>>bed." He
>>>>>
>>>>> takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
>>>>>He
>>>>>says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room
>>>>>carrying a
>>>>>
>>>>> cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a
>>>>>bit to
>>>>>drink last
>>>>>
>>>>> night?".
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' bleep . But how'd
>>>>>you
>>>>>
>>>>> know?"
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> "Mick phoned, You left your wheelchair at the pub."
>>>>>
>>>>>

Member - Charlie (WA) replied:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the personnel managers door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. he complains that she is incredibly slow and that the whole line is backing up, putting the entire line behind schedule.
The personnel manager decides that he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they are really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a small piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. I'm sorry, he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.....YOUR JOB IS TO GIVE ELMO TWO TEST TICKLES!

Twinkles replied:

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think .

JJ replied:

A Blonde in the Casino

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand Euros (Eu.20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY -


Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

************************************************************************

THE RABBIT

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and
gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on
the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and
killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the
contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off
down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops
down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops
another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...

(Now get ready for this?)

(Ready?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is definitely a Cranston Blonde Joke!)

(You know you could just click off
and not read the punch line....)

(You can still delete it)

(OK, here it is...)

It says, "Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."