jdwynn (Adelaide) replied:

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Kiwi & "Mahindra" replied:

The Amazing Fartman!!


Good morning Bros, Good morning JD, Good morning Kev....oh your not up yet!!!

Good morning Bucky and God morning Viv....on the count down!!

Member - Luke (SA) replied:

Today's jokes [1.31.08]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.




A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing for
her would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop.
She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she figured she'd
just walk around until she found just the 'right one.' She went past
the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past the
preening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils,
and past the colorful fish.

Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she was
looking for. She decided to go around the store again.

On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the bottom
of the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad. When she looked in, he
WINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself! She couldn't
believe it. She rather quickly went back to the other pets on
display.

Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darling
kittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the sleek gerbils,
and the darting fish. Nothing really, really did it for her. She was
starting to get discouraged. So, she figured one last time around,
just in case she missed something.

Going by the barrel again, she took another peek. There was that
nasty toad, and this time, he puckered up & threw her a kiss!!
This was almost too much for the poor widow and she just about
ran over to the other pets.

She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her, but
not one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds or
golden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed right for her.
Totally discouraged by now, the widow decide to go home.

On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. As
she furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most beseeching
look, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. He even
sniffed a bit. This was too much for our widow, she started heading
for the exit in a hurry.

All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably just as
lonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that no one
would probably buy him, especially not with all the other nice pets
available.

So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take the
toad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she got to
her car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and proceeded to
drive home.

As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming from the
box. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the toad
might need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What could it
hurt?)

She would glance over at the toad from time to time, and he kept
winking at her and throwing her kisses. She finally thought,
"oh heck, what could it hurt?" and she leaned over and KISSED him!

And POOF! He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE!!!

And do you know what our poor widow turned into?

The first motel she came to!




1. Vote:
Category: Miscellaneous Send this joke to a friend

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of
his, also a mute. In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been
doing. The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving bleep . I
can talk now."
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a
specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment
program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.
Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They
got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent
damage. The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy,
and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replied the specialist."Kindly go into the next room, drop
your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaked in carrying a
broomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he
'sent it home' with a deft swipe of the mallet.
The mute jumped from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
"VERY good," smiled the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we work on 'B'."


2. Vote:
Category: Medicine Send this joke to a friend

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





One day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses. As
they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible. He stops his horse and
turns around. He says "Hey Paco, you bleep your pants?" Paco says "No, Pablo,
I did not bleep my pants." He believes him and they keep riding. As they go
on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Pablo
stops his horse and turns around. He then says "Paco, Are you sure you did
not bleep your pants?" Pablo says "Yes Pablo, I am sure I did not bleep my
pants." He says "Ok." They keep going and now the smell is getting to be
unbearable. Pablo is swatting the flys away. Pablo stops his horse and gets
of his horse. He then says "Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your
pants. Paco, I thought you said you did not bleep your pants?" Paco replies
"I thought you meant today!"


3. Vote:
Category: Travel Send this joke to a friend

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises
coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked
down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to
the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom
light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and
saw his father removing a used condom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.
His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell
his son.
I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice."
replied his father.
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said,
"Well, what are you doing? bleep ing them?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


One day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses. As
they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible. He stops his horse and
turns around. He says "Hey Paco, you bleep your pants?" Paco says "No, Pablo,
I did not bleep my pants." He believes him and they keep riding. As they go
on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Pablo
stops his horse and turns around. He then says "Paco, Are you sure you did
not bleep your pants?" Paco says "Yes Pablo, I am sure I did not bleep my
pants." He says "Ok." They keep going and now the smell is getting to be
unbearable. Pablo is swatting the flys away. Pablo stops his horse and gets
of his horse. He then says "Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your
pants. Paco, I thought you said you did not bleep your pants?" Paco replies
"I thought you meant today!"

Ron173 replied:

IRISH LOVE STORY


An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma
of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.


He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the
railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.


With laboured breath, he leaned against the
door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's
agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for
there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left
this world a happy man?



Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the
edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife
with a wooden spoon ......
.........

.........



"F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

Member - Duncan W (WA) replied:

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn-out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about.... "What time of night to be getting home is this?.... Where have
you been?"

"Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it"..... And ON and ON and ON.....

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub.... Pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged
himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client... . James
Wright.... Had been granted a stay of execution after all AND Wright would
not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said..... To which he whirled
around and screamed......

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN.... DON'T YOU EVER STOP!


THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Member - Luke (SA) replied:

Blonde jokes

Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,

"Where did you get that?"
The pig replied,
"I won her in a raffle!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin,

"For best results, put on two coats".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:

"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.


The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,

"I think they could be bird tracks."

The second blonde went to look and said,

"No, I think these are deer tracks."

They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,


"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,

"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied

"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Member - Luke (SA) replied:

One blonde can make a difference! At least that is what the blonde in this joke thought.

She was tired of everyone thinking that blondes were stupid, and she didn't like all these jokes. To end the injustice, she decided to prove to the world that she was smart.

In order to prove herself, she chose to memorize the capital of every Australian state. It wasn't an easy task, but she was determined and eventually managed to do it.

A few days later she was in a bar, and heard a couple of men laughing at a blonde joke. This was the perfect opportunity to start righting all the wrongs that had been done to blondes in the past - she would set these men straight!

Marching over at a rapid pace she announced,
"It isn't true that all blondes are stupid, and I will prove it. Just ask me the capital of any Australian state, and I will tell you what it is."

Although a little surprised, the men did challenge her and asked,
"Ok, how about Victoria"

The Blonde, after pausing for a moments thought, proudly gave the answer,
"V"!

Mr Fawlty replied:

9 WORDS WOMEN USE





(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are

right and you need to shut up.



(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more

minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.



(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end
in fine.



(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!



(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement

often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you
about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)



(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.



(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just
say
you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless
she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking
you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ..... that will bring on a
'whatever').


(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!



(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's

wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.


I'll probably get banned for this one...
A recent survey in England asked the following question:

Are there too many foreigners in this country now ?

Answers:

20%: YES

10% : NO

70% : ???? ????? ??????? ??????

Mr Fawlty replied:

9 WORDS WOMEN USE





(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are

right and you need to shut up.



(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more

minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.



(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end
in fine.



(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!



(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement

often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you
about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)



(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.



(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just
say
you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless
she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking
you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ..... that will bring on a
'whatever').


(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!



(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's

wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.


I'll probably get banned for this one...
A recent survey in England asked the following question:

Are there too many foreigners in this country now ?

Answers:

20%: YES

10% : NO

70% : ???? ????? ??????? ??????

Mr Fawlty replied:

9 WORDS WOMEN USE





(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are

right and you need to shut up.



(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more

minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.



(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end
in fine.



(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!



(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement

often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you
about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)



(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.



(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just
say
you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless
she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking
you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ..... that will bring on a
'whatever').


(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!



(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's

wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.


I'll probably get banned for this one...
A recent survey in England asked the following question:

Are there too many foreigners in this country now ?

Answers:

20%: YES

10% : NO

70% : ???? ????? ??????? ??????

Mr Fawlty replied:

9 WORDS WOMEN USE





(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are

right and you need to shut up.



(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more

minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.



(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end
in fine.



(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!



(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement

often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you
about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)



(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.



(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just
say
you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless
she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking
you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ..... that will bring on a
'whatever').


(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!



(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's

wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.


I'll probably get banned for this one...
A recent survey in England asked the following question:

Are there too many foreigners in this country now ?

Answers:

20%: YES

10% : NO

70% : ???? ????? ??????? ??????

Kiwi & "Mahindra" replied:

Say it again Faulty....!!!

Kumunara (NT) replied:

The secret to a happy marriage:

The Wife replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon" she explained . "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my Husband's horse stumbled and he almost fell off. My Husband looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my Husband quietly said, "That's twice."

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My Husband quietly removed a revolver and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at him, "What's wrong with you, ! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, Are you crazy? He looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."