Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 00:35

Member - Borgy.. (SA)

UP & DOWN SEX
>
> At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
> struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
>
> Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the
> next day.
>
> The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
> fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
>
>
>
> They were sailing down the river when suddenly there was a fork in the
> river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
>
>
>
> 'Do you want to go up or down?'
>
>
>
> All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
> passionate love to the man
>
> Right there in the boat !
>
>
>
> When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, what he
> had just experienced.
>
> The best sex that he'd had in years.
>
>
>
> They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came
> upon another fork in the
>
> River.
>
>
>
> He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'
>
>
>
> There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
>
> And made wild passionate love to him again.
>
>
>
> This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing
> again the next day.
>
>
>
> She said yes and there they were the next day, in the boat when they came
> upon the fork in
>
> River, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
>
>
>
> The woman replied, 'Down.'
>
>
>
> A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the
> river when he came upon
>
> Another fork in the river and he asked the
>
> Lady,'Up or down ?'
>
>
>
> She replied, 'Up.'
>
>
>
> This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
>
> 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up
> or down you made mad
>
> Passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
>
>
>
> She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought
> the choices were
>
> bleep or drown
>
>
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AnswerID: 304055   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 04:31

jdwynn (Adelaide) replied:

Well this should insult just about everyone in the world.........

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, so you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows because you're sobering up and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINA CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy... .

IRISH CORPORATION: You have two cows...or is it three? What matters? Aren't you well off to have even one
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Reply 1 of 12
FollowupID: 570143   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 07:26

Kumunara (NT) posted:

All too true!!!
Life's great and it just keeps getting better
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FollowupID: 570156   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 09:36

Saharaman (aka Geepeem) posted:

Hey jdwynn, you forgot to include capitalism !!!!


CAPITALISM - you have two cows, you sell one and buy a BULL !!


He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.
(Muhammad Ali)
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FollowupID: 570177   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 11:20

Member - Matt M (ACT) posted:

NZ - You have two cows, trade them both for one sheep with enough left over for the honeymoon.

Sorry.
Life's a beach....
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FollowupID: 570232   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 16:04

Member - Russnic [NZ] posted:

Hey Matt
you are so out of touch. the only sheep that were left have gone over the ditch
Takes about a 1000 sheep all sex's too buy one cow (female)
All the rest have gone to Aus to help raise the IQ level.
Russ
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FollowupID: 570253   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 17:13

didiaust posted:

Aussie version

You have 1 cow - but brag and believe you have 2. You invite all ya friends over - ram a rod through beast and have a spit roast .

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AnswerID: 304059   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 06:31

CLC50 (QLD ) replied:

Walking the Dog

A 5 year old girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk
down the street and back?"

Mum replies, "No, dear, she's on heat."

The little girl replied,"no she's not sat on anything warm, so can I
take her for a walk"

Mum replies " no it's not that kind of heat, its her season time"

What does that mean?" asked the child.

Mum replies, "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle
for a walk down the street and back? I asked Mum, but she said that
Belle was on heat and to come to you to tell me what that meant."

As her dad was busy working on an old car he was restoring, which
wasn't going too well, he was in no mood to explain the ins and outs
of what on heat meant and the 50 WHY questions that would go with it.
He sighed, thought for a moment and said, "Bring Belle over here!"

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside
with it to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep
Belle on the leash and only go once down the street and back again."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with just the
leash, and no dog.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"


The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the
block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Have a Great Day
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Reply 2 of 12
AnswerID: 304061   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 06:55

didiaust replied:

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...


"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yes, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
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Reply 3 of 12
FollowupID: 570181   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 11:39

arrano posted:

Someones been listnening to Kerry O'Keefe on the ABC
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FollowupID: 570182   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 11:47

ob posted:

EXCELLENT!!! :-)))))))))))))))
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AnswerID: 304062   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 07:12

Kev & Darkie replied:

The Little Fire Fighter
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station then he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her tom cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the tom cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but I wouldn't have a siren."
I am a genius in disguise, it's a bloody good disguise...no one would ever know!
Lifetime Member: My Profile  My Blog  Send Message
Classifieds: Trak Shak Camper
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AnswerID: 304063   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 07:13

Kev & Darkie replied:

"Hello, is this the police?
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house. "Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?" "Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?" "Yep."
"Happy Birthday", maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate!!!!
I am a genius in disguise, it's a bloody good disguise...no one would ever know!
Lifetime Member: My Profile  My Blog  Send Message
Classifieds: Trak Shak Camper
Moderator
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Reply 5 of 12
AnswerID: 304064   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 07:24

Member - Craig M (QLD) replied:

Only a Queenslander could pull this one off!

An allegedly true story from Mount Isa in Queensland.

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.

Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'


'I doubt it,' said the man,

'tonight I'm the designated decoy'.
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FollowupID: 570215   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 14:38

Member - Cruiser (NSW) posted:

That ones been around since the introduction of RBT in NSW 30 odd years ago.

Cheers,

Cruiser
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AnswerID: 304065   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 07:28

Member - Roscoe ET (QLD) replied:

Saturday morning Jimmy got up early, dressed quietly,made his lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage and hooked up the boat to the Toyota. He proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour, the wind was howling so he pulled back into the garage, turned the radio on and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

So he went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There he cuddled into his wife's back, now with a different anticipation,and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible"

His loving wife of 20 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that sh#t?"
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AnswerID: 304066   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 07:29

Kumunara (NT) replied:

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. ‘Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really root, I'll have nothing left to live for.'
Life's great and it just keeps getting better
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AnswerID: 304067   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 07:38

Member - Doug T (FNQ) replied:

Go to the link to see my Friday funny...have the volume turned up a bit.


The Mole Story

.
My sadly Missed Mate
Dusty, 8/6/1996 - 20/1/2010
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Reply 9 of 12
AnswerID: 304081   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 08:49

brushmarx replied:

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the bleep terproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo...


"Defrost the chicken ".

Haven't been there, and not done that.....yet.
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FollowupID: 570158   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 09:46

Bware (Tweed Valley) posted:

LMAO
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FollowupID: 570178   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 11:29

Member - Matt M (ACT) posted:

Its a good story, but......... Mythbusters did this one with their 'Chicken Gun'. Funny as hell but the end result was that it really didn't matter if it was frozen or not, big damage either way.
Life's a beach....
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FollowupID: 570185   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 11:52

ob posted:

I,ll bet you love popping the baloons at the kids birthday party too:-0
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FollowupID: 570200   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 12:52

Bware (Tweed Valley) posted:

LMAO
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AnswerID: 304147   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 13:59

Member - Paul Mac (VIC) replied:

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...





Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.



Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there

LOL

Cheers
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AnswerID: 304179   Submitted: Friday, May 16, 2008 at 17:15

Member - Nev (TAS) replied:

A young man calls on his new girl for a first date. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."
After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her butt.

Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"

"No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response. "That's how they communicate!, Mum was simply saying, "Are you going to get this asshole a drink?" and Dad was replying, "No, screw him - I'm watching the match."






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Reply 12 of 12