Member - Lotzi (QLD) replied:

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here
so we can haul it home.'


The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only
be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send
her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word

'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

Fred G NSW replied:

This post has been read by the moderation team and has been moderated due to a breach of The Foul Language Rule .

Forum Moderation Team

jdwynn (Adelaide) replied:

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese would leave.

The Chinese realized that they had no other choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Ah Pek to represent them.

Ah Pek asked for one condition to be added to the debate. 'To make it more interesting', he said, 'neither side would be allowed to talk'.

The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came.

Ah Pek and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute. Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Ah Pek looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Ah Pek pointed to the ground at where he sat. The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Pek pull out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said: 'I give up. This man is too good. The Chinese can stay.'

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened?

The Pope said, First I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.

Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do???????

Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Pek. 'What happened?' they asked.

Well, said Ah Pek. First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here. I replied to him nick(!) off and not one of us was leaving.

Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here.

Yes, and then???' asked the crowd.

I don't know, said Ah Pek. He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!!!!!!!

Member - Michael J (SA) replied:

The family wheeled Grandma out onto the lawn in her wheelchair where activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her upright.
A grandson who arrived late came up to Grandma and said “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson.
“Bastards won’t let me fart!”

Member - Lotzi (QLD) replied:

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Kevin Rudd turned to the
Queen and said:



As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country
is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to
have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a
Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Rudd."

Rudd thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr.
Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you
are not an Emperor."

Before Rudd could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're
doing quite nicely as a Country."

Member - Lotzi (QLD) replied:

An Australian Love Poem

(Who said Australians weren't romantic?)

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer

Member - DW (NSW) replied:

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Have a great day

Andrea11 replied:

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says:"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "That's not a pig but a sheep, you idiot." The man says: "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

Andrea11 replied:

A Scotsman living in Sydney phones his Aussie dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
$220.- for an extraction, mate!"
$220.-?”, the man replies. “Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge, mate" replies the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, mate, but I could do it and knock $20.- off."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still withoot an anaesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to $180.-"
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, 'ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
"It'll be good for the students" mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you fifty bucks. But it will be traumatic, mate."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?

Maîneÿ . . . replied:

Just goes to show when you use a solar system you do have too much spare time on your hands, as you don't have to spend any time monitoring the battery condition, as with the other charging system

You can play with the Fly "ART"








Maîneÿ . . .

Member - Doug T (NT) replied:

Don't leave alcohol near your pumpkins............



.

Member - John M (NSW) replied:

This post has been read by the moderation team and has been moderated due to a breach of The Inappropriate Rule .

Forum Moderation Team

gopher replied:

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness

And kindness.

One afternoon, the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.


As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned

With tea and scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


A guy calls his mate the horse trainer and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His mate asks "How will I recognize him?"

That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment".

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
female horse.

"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her earzth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's ears the once over.

"Nith earzth, can I thee her eyeth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's eye’s.

"Nith eyeth, can I see her mouf"?

The trainer is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up

again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the trainer grabs him under his arms

And rams the midget's head as far as he can into the horse's twat, pulls him out

and drops him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing."Perhapth I should wephrase that:

Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?


--------------------------------------------------------------



P.S. ("Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!")


---------------------------------------------


TOP117. Grizzly Bears

If you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement:

In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country.

The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be careful because they don't scare Grizzly Bears.

Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears.

One can easily spot a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

---------------------------------------------

gopher replied:

A woman gives birth to a baby..... Afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, “I have to tell you something about your baby.”

The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong???”

The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”

The woman says, “A hermaphrodite… what’s that???”

The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the...er...features… of a male and a female.”

The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh my God! You mean it has a bleep ...AND a brain ???!!!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A husband is sitting with his wife at his 65th high school reunion. The husband kept staring at a drunken lady swigging a case of Miller Lite. The wife was getting jealous that her husband was staring at the lady instead of her. So she demanded “Do you know her!?!”. “Yes” said the husband calmly. “She’s an ex-girlfriend of mine. We split up when we were in 11th grade. And I heard she hasn’t been sober since.” he said. “My god!” said the wife. “Who would think that someone could go that long celebrating?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Last year I had all the windows replaced with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind and today I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

he was complaining that the work had been completed, a whole year ago, and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellooo,....................just because i'm blonde doesnt mean that i'm automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy told me, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! I told the contractor "its been a year!" there was only silence at the other end of the line so I just hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.


-------------------------------------------------

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

gopher replied:

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”