Friday Funnies

Hairs & Fysh replied:

Proof that Jesus was Australian:

* He wore thongs.
* He was a chippy, who like all good union members didn't work on Sundays.
* His favourite past times were fishing, camping, going 4-wheel donkeying, and most of his mates were fishermen.
* He seemed to know a lot of prostitutes.
* His mates all had nicknames: The Rock, The Doubter, Simon Peter, The Baptist, so on and so forth.
* The only time he went to church as a young bloke he got into a fight.
* He was a champion surfer, it was like he could walk on water.
* He did a mean barbeque, 5000 people rock up, no wuckers throw a few fresh caught fish on the barbie, some buns and a bit of mum's potato salad (it's in the Gospel of Thomas, trust me) and bob's your uncle.
* No one is exactly sure where he was earning his quid from but he had a mate in the tax office so it was all sweet.
* And to top it all off, he turned water into alcohol and if that isn't an Australian miracle I don't know what is!

Thumbs UpThanks 0

Whitewulf replied:

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then travelled all across America , Europe, England , Japan , New Zealand
In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived at the Gold Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son this is God's country - it's a local call'. Thumbs UpThanks 0

kimberleybloke replied:

OSAMA BIN LADEN AT THE PEARLY GATE.

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defence!" He delivers a kick to Osama's knee.

Osama is subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurls him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
Thumbs UpThanks 0

Maîneÿ . . . replied:

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, says St. Peter, but I’ve orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, says St. Peter, but we have our rules', and with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne, also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning...
Today you voted.'

Thumbs UpThanks 0

Member - bill j (VIC) replied:

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: "Father ..... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."



The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."



"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'



The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."



"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."



"And what is that?" asked the priest.



"Should I tell her the war is over?''

Thumbs UpThanks 0

Member - bill j (VIC) replied:

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.

HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG,

SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.

THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.

BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN,

GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS

HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE.

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY...

I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES,

BUT BILLY WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR TOMATO SAUCE!"

Thumbs UpThanks 0

brushmarx replied:

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known
proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's
hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.
Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are
first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!


1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to
blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you
See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!


26. Better late than Pregnant




Thumbs UpThanks 0

Member - bill j (VIC) replied:

Difference between Grandfathers and Grandmothers

This is funny even if you are not a grandparent.

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers is? Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special
Effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would
Take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some
Bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday
However, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at
All. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take
Their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see
A single ass hole, dumb bastard, dip sh*t or horse's ass anywhere we
Went today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?


Thumbs UpThanks 0

Maîneÿ . . . replied:

Scientists Discover New Element
Oxferd University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet know to science. The new element, Governmentium ( symbol = Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentiums’ mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to be neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administration (symbol = Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons!

Maîneÿ . . . Thumbs UpThanks 0

Hairs & Fysh replied:

Bad council behavior

Thumbs UpThanks 0

Sir Kev & Darkie replied:

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".






Thumbs UpThanks 0

bbuzz replied:

The Overworked and Underpaid

Overworked? The population of the U.S.A. is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That means 133 million to do all the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do all the work. Of this there are now 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 Million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do all the work. You and me. And you're just sitting here at your computer reading jokes.

Unusual Pets

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the pit bull Jesus."


Its Scary



A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.......
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...
faster...
faster...
BUMP...
BUMP....
BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,slams and locks the door behind him ...
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on the heels of the terrified man.....
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ... his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin.
Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition.

The coffin stops....

Thumbs UpThanks 0