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Oil change advice

Submitted: Wednesday, Dec 03, 2003 at 17:57

Mickl

Subject: Changing engine oil - woman's way & man's way

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Ultra Tune after driving 10,000klms since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent: Oil Change $55.00 Coffee $2.50 Total $57.50 Oil
Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter,kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $95.00.

2) Stop by Liquorland and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for $30.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end spanner.

9) Give up and use pliers.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: ! splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Swear.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up, crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) A mate shows up, finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in backyard instead of taking it to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to Liquorland buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first Litre of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower fuel.

29) Discover that first Litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid pliers tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorpan in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin swearing fit.

34) Throw stupid pliers.

35) Swear for additional 10 minutes because pliers hit Miss August (2002)

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts $95.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail
$1500.00 Beer $60.00 Total-- $4230.00 But! - at least you know the job was done and you know the job was done right!!!

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AnswerID: 39344   Submitted: Wednesday, Dec 03, 2003 at 20:50

Member - DOZER replied:

Hidden cost with Womans change....supposed to be done every 5000kms, motor lasts 60000kms and then its time to trade in for a new car.
Andrewwheredayathinkwer mike?
Reply 1 of 4
AnswerID: 39354   Submitted: Wednesday, Dec 03, 2003 at 21:27

cokeaddict replied:

Well done Mickl,
Brought back some memories while reading it, put a smile on my face too....cheers.

... Angelo :-)I love it when you talk DIRTY !
Reply 2 of 4
AnswerID: 39368   Submitted: Wednesday, Dec 03, 2003 at 22:32

Member - Toonfish replied:

And here i was thinking no one was watching me??????1999 NISSAN NAVARA DUALCAB
DIESEL 3.2 & SPRINGY CARLTON TOY
2 awestruck kids (dads driving!)
Reply 3 of 4
AnswerID: 39478   Submitted: Thursday, Dec 04, 2003 at 22:05

duncs replied:

Been there done that.

Updated version of mens way.

1 Pick up necessary bitw and pieces on way home from work.

2 Call mate who happens to be very good diesel mechanic.

3 Light bar-b

4 Mate arrives in field service van complete with more tools than you have ever dreamed of

5 Open 2 beers (1 for mate) and throw steaks on bar-b

6 Finish cooking steaks as mate drops car to the ground having completed oil change.

7 Serve steaks with another beer and proceed to have great evening with a good mate.

That reminds me. Time for and oil change.

Duncs
Reply 4 of 4
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