Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 07:59
ThreadID: 136083 Views:2367 Replies:12 FollowUps:3
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A guy is not getting along with his wife. He thinks maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. He notices that it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud,

"Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot."

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird. "

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 -- just make an offer."

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day he comes home from work and the parrot says, "pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."

"What?" says the guy. "What?"

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"Oh No!" the guy says, "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to kiss her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down ..."

The parrot pauses for a long time.

"Then what... what happened next... WHAT HAPPENED?" says the frantic guy.

"I don't know," says the Parrot, "that's when I fell off my perch."
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 08:00

Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 08:00
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappearand I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.

He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"
AnswerID: 616037

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 09:00

Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 09:00
At White House dinner, Melania Trump said to (Mayor of New York) Andrew Cuomo;

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"

“Very impressive," said Cuomo, "but, you do realise he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know", replied Melania, “but neither does the parrot."

........,,,,,,,.........

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.
cid:84EA6A32-D023-4DDC-8898-B22136CDDD56
He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance in the church basement.

Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear
his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies,

'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight,
cid:0E3D7824-AD0E-4DB7-84D4-879FC839646D
But how do you know?

Luigi answers,

'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.
cid:20D9444F-9D89-44FE-B775-7EE5C7B7F5FF

How do you like them?

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,
' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?

Rosa answers,

'Yes, Luigi , I do,

But how do you know that?

He replies,

'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face
turns red...

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,

Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,

Please, please, tella me this true!

Carmela smiles coyly and answers,

'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'

Luigi gasps,

'Thanka God ....

I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Armani leather shoes......................!' ..









Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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AnswerID: 616038

Reply By: Greg A6 - Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 09:05

Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 09:05
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore.

She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.

"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage.

And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews,

I'll have all the money I could ever want.

I would like to get rid of these love handles, though.

Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

Poof! And just like that...... her ears were gone.
AnswerID: 616039

Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 09:33

Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 09:33
Why do they say - " a dog is a mans best friend " ?
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Because dogs don't talk !
AnswerID: 616041

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 09:37

Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 09:37
A nurse pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and says “Great. Some asshole has my pen.”

bill
AnswerID: 616042

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 09:38

Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 09:38
ou have to read this next one OUT LOUD! OK?
No, don't squib.
It won't hurt you or cause embarrassment.

So, scroll down and start reading.... OUT LOUD!!!!





A nun met a Scotsman one day, and as he was sporting a kilt, curiosity
got the better of her and she asked him what was under it.

"You'd better have a feel for yourself", he tells her, so she went ahead and delved in.

"Ugghh!!" she said, "It's gruesome!"

"Aye lass," he replied happily, "It just grew some more...!"

bill
AnswerID: 616043

Follow Up By: Glenn C5 - Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 10:16

Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 10:16
Ok buzz, its a good joke but it was in last weeks funnies.
0
FollowupID: 887273

Follow Up By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 10:21

Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 10:21
Sorry. I keep the good ones.
Have to mark them as read.....

bill
1
FollowupID: 887275

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 12:06

Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 12:06
How did they get here and how to get them down









Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 616045

Reply By: Member - Blue M - Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 13:08

Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 13:08
Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play Hi Fi music in women’s Breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------

I used to think I was just a regular person, but I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist.

I am mostly non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

I was christened by my parents (who were married in a church), which now labels me as an infidel.

I am older than 65 and retired, which makes me useless.

I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

I (and most of the folks I know), acquired a fair education without student loan debts and little or no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of an odd underachiever.

I believe in the defence and protection of the country for and by all citizens and I honour those who served in the Armed Forces, which now makes me a right wing-militant.

Please help me come to terms with the new me… because I'm just not sure who the hell I am anymore! I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these seemingly abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking! I just can't imagine or understand what's happened to me so quickly!

Funny …it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years!

As if all this nonsense wasn’t enough to deal with… I’m not sure anymore which restroom to go into.............

HELP!! WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME???

WARNING!! THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!!
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------

A SHORT, BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met
before, but who were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned
to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
over sharing a room, they were both very
tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and
gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you
be willing to reach into the closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for
tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own furken blanket!'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End.

AnswerID: 616046

Follow Up By: tim_c - Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 14:36

Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 14:36
You sound a lot less confused about who you are than all the people who are calling you those things.
0
FollowupID: 887281

Reply By: Member - Blue M - Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 13:29

Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 13:29
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME... YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.’

The older lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her

'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..’!

So! The older lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome Prince

The Prince returned the older Lady's kiss.

Suddenly the older Lady felt herself TRANSFORMING from her kiss

Now can you GUESS what the older Lady turned into?

COME ON GUESS!



*


*


*



She turned into the first Travelodge she could find!!!!



She's older.....

NOT BLOODY DEAD!!!!!
AnswerID: 616047

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 13:41

Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 13:41
Some light reading for the New Year.



bill
AnswerID: 616048

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 15:12

Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 15:12
Sound Familiar...

A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his animals in remote territory
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation
system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution
photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the Jackeroo and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the
Jackeroo.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Jackeroo says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why
not?'
'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows .. this is a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'
AnswerID: 616049

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 21:37

Friday, Jan 12, 2018 at 21:37
Want to know about BITCOIN ?????

A lot of monkeys lived near a village.??

One day a merchant came to the village to buy these monkeys!

He announced that he will buy the monkeys @ $100 each.

The villagers thought that this man is mad.??

They thought how can somebody buy stray monkeys at $100 each???

Still, some people caught some monkeys and gave it to this merchant and he gave $100 for each monkey.??

This news spread like wildfire and people caught monkeys and sold it to the merchant.??

After a few days, the merchant announced that he will buy monkeys @ $200 each.

The lazy villagers also ran around to catch the remaining monkeys!

They sold the remaining monkeys @ $200 each.??

Then the merchant announced that he will buy monkeys @ $500 each!

The villagers start to lose sleep! ... They caught six or seven monkeys, which was all that was left and got $500 each.

The villagers were waiting anxiously for the next announcement.??

Then the merchant announced that he is going home for a week. And when he returns, he will buy monkeys @ $1000 each!

He asked his employee to take care of the monkeys he bought. He was alone taking care of all the monkeys in a cage.

The merchant went home.

The villagers were very sad as there were no more monkeys left for them to sell it at $1000 each.

Then the employee told them that he will sell some monkeys @ $700 each secretly.

This news spread like fire. Since the merchant buys monkey @ $1000 each, there is a $300 profit for each monkey.

The next day, villagers made a queue near the monkey cage.

The employee sold all the monkeys at $700 each. The rich bought monkeys in big lots. The poor borrowed money from money lenders and also bought monkeys!

The villagers took care of their monkeys & waited for the merchant to return.

But nobody came! ... Then they ran to the employee...

But he has already left too !

The villagers then realised that they have bought the useless stray monkeys @ $700 each and unable to sell them!

The Bitcoin will be the next monkey business

It will make a lot of people bankrupt and a few people filthy rich in this monkey business.

That's how it will work.......................... ....!!!
Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 616053

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