Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 06:09
ThreadID: 136155 Views:2696 Replies:10 FollowUps:5
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A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, then unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandanna, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
“We'll have a new one !!!
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 06:10

Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 06:10
Who invented the auto back up sensor ?

I bet you think it was Ford, maybe GM, how about Chrysler, No ? then how about Mercedes Benz, or possibly the French or Italians ?

No ! It was a Chinese farmer !

Lots of the newer cars have a Back-Up Sensor that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes in contact with something.

Surprising it was not developed by modern automotive engineers using the latest technology. It was disclosed recently that the first to develop the Back-Up-Sensor was a Chinese Farmer.

His invention was simple and effective. It emits a high-pitch squeal before the vehicle backs into something.

Here's his first prototype... .......

AnswerID: 616358

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 07:20

Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 07:20
Happy Australia Day!!

A lady walked into a Police Station, the desk Sergeant said, "Can I help you ?”
"Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault."
"Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road," she replied.
"Can you describe what happened ?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me."
"Could you give me a description of him ?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg."
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said the Sergeant.
"Yes," said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer".
"That's very observant," said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent ?"
"No," she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long."

.......,,, ,,, ........

Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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AnswerID: 616361

Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 07:20

Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 07:20
This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.

You will like this! ... And it is a true story!

A man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia )
received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating
that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by
return mail.
He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and
they would take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried
out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the
account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.
He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once
again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for
$0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was
yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as
good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he
Had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to
recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own
game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas
company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
writing cheque for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0..00
cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could
therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their
customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the
computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00
and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate
steps to recover the debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against
the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks
at the local courthouse that he was not joking.
They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties
he had been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome
was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or Show cause,
within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court
for consideration under Company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose
cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period
March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had
caused their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00.

Who employs these idiots?

This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.

AnswerID: 616362

Follow Up By: OBJ - Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 08:03

Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 08:03
Many of them enter Parliament.
FollowupID: 887722

Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderers - Sunday, Jan 28, 2018 at 20:54

Sunday, Jan 28, 2018 at 20:54
I've got in my cupboard 39 envelopes from Telstra telling me they owe me 1c.

The cost of printing, sending, stamp, wages, amounts to $12.00

Don't forget, your taxes are paying for this stupidity

Lifetime Member
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FollowupID: 887807

Follow Up By: Shaker - Sunday, Jan 28, 2018 at 21:21

Sunday, Jan 28, 2018 at 21:21
That sounds very cheap, it costs around $200.00 to get a letter sent by a legal firm!

FollowupID: 887808

Follow Up By: Zippo - Monday, Jan 29, 2018 at 16:14

Monday, Jan 29, 2018 at 16:14
If it's on the ABC webpile, then all I can say is that they have been had!

Unless I am very much mistaken, you won't get reticulated gas without a supply ("service") charge. So even with zero consumption you will NOT get a $0.00 bill.

Maybe someone can refute that?
FollowupID: 887828

Reply By: RMD - Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 08:57

Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 08:57
A Queensland farmer had been seen standing in the middle of his paddock each day for the last few weeks.
A neighbour approached him to ask why he was out there everyday, in the hot sun, in the same place .
The farmer said he was in the running to get the Order of Australia Medal,
Asked why he thought he was to receive such a prestigious award, the farmer replied,
“you get one if you are proven to be outstanding in your field”.
AnswerID: 616365

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 09:13

Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 09:13

AnswerID: 616366

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 09:51

Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 09:51
AnswerID: 616367

Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 10:38

Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 10:38
And they were wireless back then too!
FollowupID: 887725

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 14:13

Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 14:13
Do it yourself

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 616376

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 14:21

Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 14:21

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 616377

Reply By: Member - Blue M - Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 19:18

Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 19:18
AnswerID: 616383

Reply By: Member - Blue M - Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 19:26

Friday, Jan 26, 2018 at 19:26
A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a
beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends
over to look more closely, she farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up
right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the
form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman
greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been
there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the
price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just
looking at it, you're going to sh1t when I tell you the price.

A Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a sudden serious heart attack, and had immediate lifesaving
open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself
in the care of nuns at a catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going
to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a weak voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. "No money in the

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you with the cost?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated, and said loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are
married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
Well, I can think of one thing, the cowboy offered.

On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'A couple of minutes ago.'

AnswerID: 616384

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