Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 07:47
ThreadID: 136200 Views:2715 Replies:12 FollowUps:14
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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 07:49

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 07:49
In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see the Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; the Prime Minister and Treasurer would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, The Prime Minister commented to the Treasurer, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly will help our images and might even get me re-elected as Prime Minister. After all, ...I'm IN IT TO WIN IT".
The Treasurer agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took the Prime Minister's hand in his right hand and the Treasurer's hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally The Prime Minister spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said The Prime Minister . "Amen", the Treasurer said .
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."
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Follow Up By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 11:40

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 11:40
Geez, lucky you weren't specific about who the PM/Treasurer were.

The audience is touchy today!

bill
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Follow Up By: Genny - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 15:09

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 15:09
Don't think it'd matter bbuzz. Birds of a feather .....
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Reply By: Member - Balvenie Pastoral - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 08:02

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 08:02
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Follow Up By: Member - Bigfish - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 09:35

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 09:35
Loved it!!
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Follow Up By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 20:56

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 20:56
Same here goodone
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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 08:42

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 08:42







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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 08:44

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 08:44
A ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government 'Welfare' officials sent to interview him.

One official said to him: "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You have seen his wars and his technological advances. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."

The elder nodded in agreement. The official continued: "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the whitefella go wrong?"

The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute and then he calmly replied: "When whitefella found the land, blackfellas were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty kangaroo, Plenty fish, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex."

Then the elder leaned back and smiled: "Only whitefella bloody stupid enough to think he could improve a system like that".
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Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 08:52

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 08:52
A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said.

'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,

'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.

'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 09:02

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 09:02
None of his classmates liked him because of his silliness and clumsiness, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, “You’re driving me mad, Tyrone.”
One day Tyrone’s mom came to school to check on how he was doing.
The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never she seen such a boy in her entire teaching career.
The mom was shocked at the feedback and, wanting to give her son a fresh start, withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Suddenly, her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died .
The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.


Oh don’t tell me you seriously thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon.


Well maybe you did if you voted for Trump or Howard or ....

bill
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Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderers - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 10:04

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 10:04
I'm still waiting for ALL the Hollywood movie stars, Samuel Jackson, Cher, Taylor Swift who promised to leave the USA if Trump wins.

Trump won, but his hypocrites remain, and 75% of Americans supported his State of the Union address

I wish ppl like Australians get off Trumps back, he won, get over it

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Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderers - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 10:06

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 10:06
And I voted for PM John Howard, the best PM this country ever had, he left his term in surplus, then Labor got in and now we are in debt

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Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 10:35

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 10:35
Yes that is true. Labor has stuffed Australian finances each and every time they are in power. Takes a special sort of skill to do that.
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Follow Up By: Member - PhilD_NT - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 10:47

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 10:47
RMD, come to the NT and see it all happening and we have a Council sacked for the same level of competence.
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Follow Up By: Frank P (NSW) - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 11:08

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 11:08
Is Friday Funnies an appropriate platform for political discussion?

Hmmmmm ..... yes, given the lot we are blessed with, I think it is :-)
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Follow Up By: Member - PhilD_NT - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 11:40

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 11:40
With the number of times the local Lord Mayor's and the Councillors/Aldermen have been portrayed as Clowns in the media and especially by the resident NTNews cartoonist there could not be a more fitting place to discuss them. It is rather disparaging though to genuine Clowns to put them in the same category.

Bugger, this Topic is supposed to be funny not depressing :-(
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Follow Up By: Member - dublediff - Saturday, Feb 10, 2018 at 21:34

Saturday, Feb 10, 2018 at 21:34
I hate politcal jokes, they usually get elected!
Of all the things that I have lost I miss my mind the most!

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Reply By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 09:14

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 09:14
At last, confirmation of 'Murphy's Law' with a wonderful Irish explanation:


Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor, and lo behold.......and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of the universe that buttered toast
ALWAYS ls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the Parish to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the Priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. He won't say what it is, but asks
Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the Priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some
buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy.

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "Dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.
It's a miracle.... but wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter
to the Bishop, and, he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people (a)round to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the Archdiocese but by scientists
sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared.
There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen,
quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be
very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out."

"Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle', because they think .. . .





Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"


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Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 11:00

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 11:00
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Canberra.
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.
'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase.
Dunc
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Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 11:03

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 11:03
In a recent posting of the Washington Post newspaper a winning neologism (newly coined word or expression) was

Pokemon - A Rasterfarian proctologist
Dunc
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Follow Up By: eerfree - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 17:55

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 17:55
And also spotted that, Innuendo is an Italian suppository.

Bob
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Follow Up By: Zippo - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 20:29

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 20:29
Bigamist - an Italian tourist's impression of London.
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Follow Up By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 21:01

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 21:01
Bigamist - is Italian for Fog
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Reply By: Nomadic Navara - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 15:35

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 15:35
PeterD
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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 18:05

Friday, Feb 02, 2018 at 18:05
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"

The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."
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Reply By: bazz - Saturday, Feb 03, 2018 at 11:46

Saturday, Feb 03, 2018 at 11:46
I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she

and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.


She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a

male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.



I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes.
I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"


The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my Sister."


When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:


* 1/3 ownership in the store,

* a company pickup truck,

* a king size bed and

* $3,000 a month in living expenses."
AnswerID: 616624

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