friday funnies

Submitted: Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 07:31
ThreadID: 136353 Views:2959 Replies:13 FollowUps:9
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Actual writings on hospital charts:
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.


Have a great day Bushy.
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Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 08:03

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 08:03
Whilst not an actual joke - this true story is laughable.


A friend of mine who lives in a large regional town helps out with the "work for the dole scheme" and a few weeks ago he had some new recruits so to speak. They have a project they are working on and were all given safety glasses to wear. Well one of the "new recruits" when putting his safety glasses on poked himself in the eye with the arm of the glasses which caused him to have blurred vision. This blurred vision lasted for a couple days and the young lad is all ok.


A report had to be filed and the end result now is - before anyone puts on safety glasses they have to do an in house course on - wait for it " How to put on safety glasses "

Whilst that is funny I think the funny bit is that the course doesn't go for 5 minutes, not 15 minutes, not half an hour but ONE WHOLE HOUR lol ha ha ha lol ha ha lol


So fellow travelers - if you are driving somewhere today and going to wear sunglasses, please be careful when putting them on :)
AnswerID: 617286

Follow Up By: tim_c - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 12:33

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 12:33
I thought you were going to tell us that the result was a new policy that required all 'recruits' to ensure they are wearing eye protection before attempting to put on safety glasses.
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Reply By: RMD - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 08:23

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 08:23
Ansell, the makers of Computer Virus Protection, has experienced a sudden down turn in sales.
It seems the ACT community is using less of their Virus Control product than in previous times where it was very popular and used frequently within the office computers.
The product is commonly loaded onto hard disks to protect the user and computer from unexpected consequences.

After it was pointed out to parliament the floppysition had a distinct problem with the product, as many were using the product installed on hard disks, but it is reported they were using the hard disks in the wrong computers.
The PM has outlawed the practice and set guide lines for correct use of all hard disks and parliamentary computers.
It was also noted a current office member from a shortened union company, had previously not equipped his large capacity hard disk with a suitable protection system and the consequences of that is still growing. This was claimed by users as not being relevant but the situation has similar ongoing effects to other internal troubles.
Although the share price of Ansell Virus Protection has declined, it is expected the sales volume will soon be restored as the proper use of the Anti Virus protection is only to be applied to the correct hard disks and used solely in parliamentary sanctioned computers.

They are PC after all and the nation wouldn't have it any other way.
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Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 08:50

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 08:50
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Reply By: OBJ - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 08:50

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 08:50
Every once in a while somebody gets it right. This word is not yet found in the Oxford dictionary so it was "Googled" and discovered as a recently "coined" word found on T-shirts on eBay:
Read this one over slowly and absorb the opinions within the definition! I love this word and believe that it will become a recognized English word. Finally, a word to describe our Future.


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Reply By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 08:59

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 08:59
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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 09:35

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 09:35
What are cats?

Cats do what they want, when they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they are not happy.
When you want to play they want to be left alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave their hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are tiny, little women in cheap fur coats.

bill
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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 09:36

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 09:36
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

bill
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Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 10:55

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 10:55
G'day BB
Long before tottoos became a cult, look at me, expensive accessory thing, I saw a Vererinary surgeon remove the full length of his arm from inside a very sick cow.
His arm, sheathed in a big condom with integral glove, was absolutely covered in blood and shite in strange patterns.
Everytime I see someone with tattoos, footbrawlers too, it looks like they are either apprentice vets or been playing in the milking shed where one gets sprayed with dark matter as it attaches to the human form. Sometimes when facing the other way.

Strange things humans.

Back in early times a sailor who sailed around below Africa, Cape of Good Hope (we make it) AND returned to England was seen of a sailor or repute, hence a ring in the left ear, he was the Man.
If he also sailed, and survived the bottom of Chile, Cape Horn, he had a ring added to right ear too. Then oozed credibility as a sailor.
Now, everything, male/female or other, has metal bits in and hanging from all regions. To be different of course. I wonder what dangers they had to endure.
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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 11:08

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 11:08
Our World Today...

It’s been snowing all night. So the morning goes like this;

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 The nanny of the neighbours complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.

8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.

8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.

8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.

8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : "Yeah, if it's up yours"

8:45 Local TV news crew shows up after I'm arrested for "threatening" the police. Reporter asks if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am thereafter referred to a sexist.

8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.

9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.


Moral to the Story: There is no moral to this story. It’s just the world we live in today!

----------------------------------------


I JUST discovered my age group!

I am a Seenager (Senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 55-60 years later.

I don't have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own ipad.

I don't have a curfew.

I have a driver's licence and my own car.

I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store. I like the wine store best.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren't scared of anything
they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared?

And I don't have acne.

Life is Good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager.

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.

People do not decline mentally with age; it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains.

Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem; it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.


SO THERE!!
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Follow Up By: Member - johnat - Saturday, Mar 10, 2018 at 21:52

Saturday, Mar 10, 2018 at 21:52
"Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem; it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise."

It's called "The Hereafter" - as in "I'm here but what did I come in hereafter?"
Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive

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Reply By: Graham G4 - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 13:03

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 13:03
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2tGmeGETTs
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Reply By: The Explorer - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 14:54

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 14:54
The 16th of November was a red-letter day, for on it we crossed the last sandridge - in lat 19°20’ – leaving the desert behind us. D Carnegie 1896

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Follow Up By: Mick O - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 15:30

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 15:30
Man, don't give up your day job. That's bad :-)
''We knew from the experience of well-known travelers that the
trip would doubtless be attended with much hardship.''
Richard Maurice - 1903

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Follow Up By: The Explorer - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 15:45

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 15:45
Thanks

Cheers
Greg
The 16th of November was a red-letter day, for on it we crossed the last sandridge - in lat 19°20’ – leaving the desert behind us. D Carnegie 1896

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Follow Up By: The Explorer - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 15:52

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 15:52
PS: telling bad jokes isn't illegal ..is it?
The 16th of November was a red-letter day, for on it we crossed the last sandridge - in lat 19°20’ – leaving the desert behind us. D Carnegie 1896

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Follow Up By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 20:17

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 20:17
Not yet but...

watch this space!

bill
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Follow Up By: The Explorer - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 20:28

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 20:28
The 16th of November was a red-letter day, for on it we crossed the last sandridge - in lat 19°20’ – leaving the desert behind us. D Carnegie 1896

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 15:47

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 15:47










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Reply By: RMD - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 20:54

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 20:54
DANGER ALERT

After recent heavy rains in Sydney there is Muddy Grass everywhere, watch your step, as it will be pretty yukky for quite a while and some areas may never improve or return to normal
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Follow Up By: Paul E6 - Saturday, Mar 03, 2018 at 23:32

Saturday, Mar 03, 2018 at 23:32
SBS seem intent on repeatedly keeping us informed about this muddy grass situation.
Well, it IS sbs after all.
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Reply By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 23:12

Friday, Mar 02, 2018 at 23:12
Donald and Murphy saw a poster saying tree fellers wanted.... "Ah that's a shame" said Murphy, "if only Seamus was here we coulda got that job."
Dave.
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