Good Friday Funnies

Submitted: Thursday, Mar 29, 2018 at 23:47
ThreadID: 136486 Views:2159 Replies:8 FollowUps:0
A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.



Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing

new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour

pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they

were very much in favour of it.



The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even

10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But

as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go

ahead and kick it up a notch.



The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was

still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and

was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for

50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.



Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the

husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.



The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband

continued to experience no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.



When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.

........ ,,,,..........,,,.......
Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback, and came upon a huge hole in the ground.


They approached it and were amazed at its size and depth.

The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second said, “There's an old gear box over there. Let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

Despite it being very heavy, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.

As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the under-brush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.

They were so mystified by this that they stood staring at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.

Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old gear box."

............ ,,,,,,,,,,.,...............
An engineer dies . . . and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.

The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

..........,,,,,,,,,,,,,,..............


Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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Reply By: Grizzle - Friday, Mar 30, 2018 at 07:32

Friday, Mar 30, 2018 at 07:32
A couple were dining in a fancy restaurant when the waitress spots the man sliding under the table whilst the woman seeming totally unconcerned.

As he slid completely under the table, the waitress went across and quietly whispered to the woman, “Excuse me but your husband has just slid under your table.”

“Oh no! He hasn’t” said the woman, “He has just walked in!”

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AnswerID: 617915

Reply By: RMD - Friday, Mar 30, 2018 at 08:43

Friday, Mar 30, 2018 at 08:43
An Australian Abrasives company specializing in sanding sheets, has reported sales of their popular yellow abrasive paper has suddenly declined, whilst sales of the white abrasive paper, similar in colour to "cricket whites" has seen a large increase in demand and sales.
Company staff are at a loss to explain the cause of the change in customer requirements apart from it's suitability for use in hand sanding situations.
AnswerID: 617916

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 30, 2018 at 09:54

Friday, Mar 30, 2018 at 09:54
Life’s Reflections
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but
when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but
anyone going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a
day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Australians is suffering from some form of
mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK,
then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if
you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry
isn’t your biggest problem.
13. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket
and said, “Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” I
said, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you
too”.

bill
AnswerID: 617917

Reply By: Ron N - Friday, Mar 30, 2018 at 10:16

Friday, Mar 30, 2018 at 10:16
This yarn is so old, it's actually a Steele Rudd joke; and it was retold by Bill Wannan in the early 1950's - so I think it's probably safe to retell it again - seeing as possibly three-quarters of the forum members and readers, weren't even born, when it was last retold!

The Drovers Tales

The drovers were camped on the riverbank for the night, and amongst them was young Charlie, a green youngster, on his first big drive.

Gathered around the campfire after dinner, the cattlemen took it in turns to tell tall yarns about amazing things that had happened to them.
Each of them, of course, strove to impress young Charlie with outlandish stories of happenings, that they swore were true, and had happened to them personally.

The night got longer and darker, and the tales got more frightening and more eerie. Bunyips and Min-Min lights and other strange happenings, featured large in the old drovers stories.

Then came Charlies turn. "Come on, Charlie, you're a North Queenslander and station-bred!" - you must have some strange experiences to relate?", said one of the old cattlemen, with a wink to the others.

"Gee", said Charlie, "I'm sorry fellas - but I haven't had the experiences that you old blokes have had! I couldn't relate any stories, like you can!"

"Oh, c'mon! You must have had one or two scary experiences?" said the old cattleman, with a sly wink to the other old-timers.

"Well", said Charlie slowly .. "Actually, as a matter of fact, yes, I can relate one thing that happened to me, that was pretty scary.

It all happened when I was just a young whippersnapper. Dad and I were working for Brown on the Woorgun Run, up in North Queensland at the time.

Mum had died some years before, so it was just Dad and I.
We were living by ourselves in an old humpy out back of the station, and it was real bad Myall Black country.

In fact, the Blacks were just terrible, out there! - violent, stealing cattle, and going on the warpath, spearing people ruthlessly, on a regular basis!

Charlies voice started to crack, and he wiped the back of his hand over his eyes. The old cattlemen listened intently.

"I can just see it all now, clear as yesterday!", he said.
"Early one morning, a big group of these wild Myall Blacks came out of the bush, screaming and yelling, and chucking spears!
Dad and I only just had time to jump out of bed, and the Blacks were at the door!!"

"They broke the door down, and ran a spear through Dad on the spot!
Then they grabbed me ... " and Charlies voice went a little strange ... as all the old cattlemen leaned forward.

"They dragged me outside ... I dunno how far. When they came to a clearing, they threw me on the ground like a dead kangaroo rat. I was so exhausted from fighting them, I couldn't get up!"

"Then these wild Blacks gathered a pile of dead wood - probably about 4 foot high - and they threw me on it, and set fire to the woodpile!!"

"I can see that all that smoke and flames, even now! - rising up around me - and me too weak, to even try and raise myself up!!"

Charlie paused, and stared up at the waning moon. The old cattlemen waited with concern on their faces.

"But .. but", said one of the old-timers eventually. "What happened? Didn't the fire burn you?"

"Nah", said Charlie, with a sly grin. "I wus too green to burn!"


AnswerID: 617918

Reply By: Grizzle - Friday, Mar 30, 2018 at 10:20

Friday, Mar 30, 2018 at 10:20

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AnswerID: 617919

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Mar 30, 2018 at 10:34

Friday, Mar 30, 2018 at 10:34
AMAZING HOME REMEDIES
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
TECH TIP : IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
AnswerID: 617920

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 30, 2018 at 16:07

Friday, Mar 30, 2018 at 16:07
Hope these haven't been on before....






bill
AnswerID: 617930

Reply By: equinox - Friday, Mar 30, 2018 at 22:41

Friday, Mar 30, 2018 at 22:41



Looking for adventure.
In whatever comes our way.

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