Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 07:45
ThreadID: 136509 Views:1847 Replies:11 FollowUps:3
Sunday morning Church bells

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along.'



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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 07:53

Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 07:53
An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: Dr Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr Young: --- "Dr Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me ??

Dr Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr Young's mouth."

Dr Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!

Dr Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's your $1000 back."

Dr Young: "But this is only $500..."

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can

outsmart an old "Geezer " !!!!
AnswerID: 618075

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 07:56

Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 07:56
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTI ZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in his hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, . . . . circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
AnswerID: 618076

Reply By: RMD - Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 08:44

Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 08:44
“Staff Redundancies at Cricket Australia”.
Nearly all catering staff at Cricket Australia have been “let go”.
The large loss of funding from Sponsors of the sport has resulted in the staff levels being unable to be maintained.
Instead of the Fat Cats of Cricket Australia being able to”Dine” on the finest foods of the land, they now get sandwiches wrapped in GladWrap and a mug of Bushells tea. Grog is too dear for the new budget.
Only one catering staff member is now required to hand out the brown paper bags of sandwiches from the deli around the corner. A distinct saving.
Much worry is being felt amongst players as their contracts may also be in danger of being reduced.
Instead of the captain receiving 20 times a good wage each year for playing a few games, ie, more than 20 years pay in just one year and more than twice the Prime Ministers salary, and the subsequent “follow on” effect, ( using cricket terminology) will see players to have to play because they love the sport and not for the love of money.
It is possible actual sportsmen may and not gold diggers may be selected for future games.
It is funny what changes the application of a little abrasiveness can achieve.
AnswerID: 618077

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 09:34

Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 09:34
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.” The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The attorney tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple and says, “Ask him again!”
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!” The bookkeeper signs back: “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!”
The Godfather asks the attorney: “Well, what’d he say?” The attorney replies: “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
bill
AnswerID: 618078

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 09:39

Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 09:39
Two friends met at the neighborhood supermarket one day.
When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote. "Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping?" The other woman laughed.
“No,” the woman answered "But I asked my husband if he wanted to help me shop and he said no, I asked him if I could take the car and he replied that as long as I left him the TV, I could take whatever I wanted and get out of the house.
So I turned to the fashion channel and told him he had nothing to worry about. "

bill
AnswerID: 618079

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 10:13

Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 10:13
Dear Friends: Good morning and hope you are well. Well, this Fryday humor post deals with the wonderfully humorous errors we have all seen on Church Bulletins. The misuse of context, malaprops, faux paus, and just poor typing and lax of grammar make for some hilarious… um, notices. What is even funnier is these actually appeared in church bulletins! Praise be! Who says God does not have a sense of humor?
________________________________________
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
--------------------------
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.’
________________________________________
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 618081

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 10:20

Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 10:20
A set of jumper leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything?

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it, I'm having a real good time like I am"

A father was at the beach with his children when the four year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy what happened to him?"

"He died and went to heaven" the dad replied.

The boy thought for a moment and then said " Did God throw him back down?"
AnswerID: 618082

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 10:22

Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 10:22
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and
Family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
About you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the
Greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
Husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
Children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies,

"I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
AnswerID: 618083

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 10:26

Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 10:26
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat, a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
AnswerID: 618084

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 10:33

Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 10:33
An engineer dies and goes to Hell.

Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building
improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush
toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan,

"So, how are things going down there?"

Satan says, "why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning,
iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake -
he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven.
Send him up here immediately!

"Satan says, "No way, I really like having an engineer on the staff. I'm
keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to find a lawyer?"
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 618085

Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 11:28

Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 11:28
Repeat of last week?
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FollowupID: 889929

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 18:59

Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 18:59
An Australian Abrasives company specializing in sanding sheets, has reported sales of their popular yellow abrasive paper has suddenly declined, whilst sales of the white abrasive paper, similar in colour to "cricket whites" has seen a large increase in demand and sales.
Company staff are at a loss to explain the cause of the change in customer requirements apart from it's suitability for use in hand sanding situations.



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AnswerID: 618090

Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 19:20

Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 19:20
Gee Bill
That is copied from my text last week.
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FollowupID: 889939

Follow Up By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 19:48

Friday, Apr 06, 2018 at 19:48
Sorry about that was away never saw last weeks posts
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