BLACK Friday funnies

Submitted: Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 00:21
ThreadID: 136536 Views:2637 Replies:15 FollowUps:3
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I think I might have screwed up. Several of us local older sailors were asked to address a junior high gathering put on by the PTA.



I was the only speaker to show up, so I had the stage to myself.



I talked about staying in school, getting good grades and all that usual bullshit; and since I had plenty of time because those other guys didn't show, I threw it open for questions.



The last one asked was, "Can you give us a couple of your life's philosophical beliefs?"



I said, "That's an easy one. Looking back over my almost 7 decades, I believe I've spent close to 90% of my earnings on booze and whores. The rest I just wasted."



I was escorted out without getting to finish my last two rules to live by:



If it flies, floats, or bleep s, it's cheaper to rent it.


If it's got tits or tires, you're gonna have problems with it.


I hope they invite me back next year so I can finish.



They need to know this stuff!


...........,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,...............
During a dull Parliament House dinner, Chloe Shorten, the wife of the Leader of the Opposition, leaned over to chat with Governor- General Cosgrove
"I bought Bill a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Bill has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"

“Very impressive," said Cosgrove, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know", replied Chloe, “but neither does the parrot."

...............,,,,,,,,,,,, ...............
Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 06:29

Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 06:29
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'
Customer says , 'Female.'

Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?
Customer says , 'White.'

Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'
AnswerID: 618248

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 06:31

Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 06:31
A pollie boarded an airplane in Townsville with a box of frozen mud crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a local Politician, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in Brisbane, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the Politician who gave me the crabs in Townsville please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Politicians aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
AnswerID: 618249

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 08:47

Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 08:47
SKINNY DIPPIN’
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over as he hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!” The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.
” Holding the bucket up he said,”I’m just here to feed the crocodiles”……. Old men can still think fast.

bill
AnswerID: 618252

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 08:48

Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 08:48
A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: “**Buy one dog, get one flea**.”

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal”?

I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

Snowmen fall from Heaven //unassembled//.

bill
AnswerID: 618253

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 10:03

Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 10:03
A Queensland couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sex?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says , 'There's absolutely
nothing wrong with the way you have sex
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has sex with no problems,
pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry,
but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married so we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
AnswerID: 618255

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 10:04

Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 10:04
One hot summer day a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
The blonde said it was hers.

"Your dog seems to be in heat," the officer said.
The blonde replied, "No way, she's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand, your dog needs to be bred"

"No way," said the blonde, "My dog doesn't need bread, she isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand, your dog wants to have sex!"

The blonde looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead, I always wanted a police dog."
AnswerID: 618256

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 10:06

Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 10:06
Seamus & Bessie...

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry ,and was sueing the lorry company,
In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

Solicitor
'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' .

Seamus
'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...'

Solicitor
'I didn't ask for any details','Just answer the question.. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus
'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road....'


The solicitor interrupted again and said,
'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said,
'How badly are you hurt?'

'Now what the F**k would you have said'?
AnswerID: 618257

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 10:47

Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 10:47
our younger ones - up to no good

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break
something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!

The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"
AnswerID: 618259

Reply By: Graham G4 - Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 13:26

Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 13:26
After much deliberation I've decided NOT become an Organ Donor!

The reason being is that I've been offering my organ to my wife for 30 years and she doesn't want it so why would I give it to a complete stranger????
AnswerID: 618261

Follow Up By: Genny - Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 13:49

Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 13:49
Because the stranger will be grateful, of course!

Isn't it crazy how so many women hate letting hubby give the ferret a run, but go ballistic when you call in a subcontractor!
3
FollowupID: 890208

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 20:39

Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 20:39
Tell it as it is












Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 618267

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 20:43

Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 20:43
Formula 1 pitstops 1950 & todays

https://youtu.be/RRy_73ivcms

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AnswerID: 618268

Follow Up By: Nutta - Sunday, Apr 15, 2018 at 09:39

Sunday, Apr 15, 2018 at 09:39
That’s crazy
0
FollowupID: 890236

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 20:45

Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 20:45
A Bible study group was talking about what they would do in the event that their death was imminent.

The leader of the discussion said, "If we all knew when we would die, we would better prepare ourselves and use our time better ahead of the event."

"Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment.

Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"

A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and spread the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."

"Very good," said the group leader, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."

"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-law's house for the 4 weeks."

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-law's home?"

Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"

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AnswerID: 618269

Follow Up By: Ron N - Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 21:27

Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 21:27
Bill - I was expecting the punch line to be, "because that would give me 4 weeks taste of pure Hell! - and give me greater impetus, to make it to Heaven!"

Cheers, Ron.
2
FollowupID: 890215

Reply By: Bob Y. - Qld - Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 21:48

Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 21:48
During the War, a Yank & an Aussie were walking down George Street, in Sydney, where a bare-footed youth was selling newspapers,

"Watch me get a rise out of this young guy" the Yank told his companion.

"They're good shoes you've got there, young fellar. They'll never wear out!"

The youth looked the Yank up and down, and replied: "I don't know about that, mate! My arse is made out of the same stuff, and it's got a hole in it already."

Bob

Seen it all, Done it all.
Can't remember most of it.

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AnswerID: 618270

Reply By: Grizzle - Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 22:07

Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 22:07
WIFE:

“I’ve got blisters on my hands from the broom”


HUSBAND:

“Next time take the car, silly!”

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AnswerID: 618271

Reply By: Ron N - Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 22:38

Friday, Apr 13, 2018 at 22:38
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on UK television with British TV host Anne Diamond.

He used the word "manyana" (pronounced "man-yana"). Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow; Maybe the next day; Maybe the day after that; or perhaps Next week; Next month; Next year. Who really cares?"

The host turned to Albert Yumapingu from the Boolerooregong Tribe, who was also on the show.

She asked him if there was an equivalent term in the Aboriginal language.

"Nah", he replied, "We Aboriginals don't have a word to describe that level of urgency."


AnswerID: 618272

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