Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Apr 20, 2018 at 06:03
ThreadID: 136585 Views:2378 Replies:6 FollowUps:1
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A woman checked into a motel on her 60th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted skills. In the photo he had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed on, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now, how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Apr 20, 2018 at 06:04

Friday, Apr 20, 2018 at 06:04
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,

"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this ?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened it's heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work ?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.......

"Try doing it with the engine running."
AnswerID: 618422

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Apr 20, 2018 at 08:07

Friday, Apr 20, 2018 at 08:07
A LIST TO LIVE BY................

Many of us are between 65 and death, i.e. old. My friend sent me this excellent list for aging . . . and I have to agree it's good advice to follow.

1. It’s time to use the money you saved up. Use it and enjoy it. Don’t just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it. Remember there is nothing more dangerous than a son or daughter-in-law with big ideas for your hard-earned capital. Warning: This is also a bad time for investments, even if it seems wonderful or fool-proof. They only bring problems and worries. This is a time for you to enjoy some peace and quiet.

2. Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren, and don’t feel bad spending your money on yourself. You’ve taken care of them for many years, and you’ve taught them what you could. You gave them an education, food, shelter and support. The responsibility is now theirs to earn their own money.

3. Keep a healthy life, without great physical effort. Do moderate exercise (like walking every day), eat well and get your sleep. It’s easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy. That is why you need to keep yourself in good shape and be aware of your medical and physical needs. Keep in touch with your doctor, do tests even when you’re feeling well. Stay informed.

4. Always buy the best, most beautiful items for your significant other. The key goal is to enjoy your money with your partner. One day one of you will miss the other, and the money will not provide any comfort then, enjoy it together.

5. Don’t stress over the little things. You’ve already overcome so much in your life. You have good memories and bad ones, but the important thing is the present. Don’t let the past drag you down and don’t let the future frighten you. Feel good in the now. Small issues will soon be forgotten.

6. Regardless of age, always keep love alive. Love your partner, love life, love your family, love your neighbor and remember: “A man is not old as long as he has intelligence and affection.”

7. Be proud, both inside and out. Don’t stop going to your hair salon or barber, do your nails, go to the dermatologist and the dentist, keep your perfumes and creams well stocked. When you are well-maintained on the outside, it seeps in, making you feel proud and strong.

8. Don’t lose sight of fashion trends for your age, but keep your own sense of style. There’s nothing worse than an older person trying to wear the current fashion among youngsters. You’ve developed your own sense of what looks good on you – keep it and be proud of it. It’s part of who you are.

9. ALWAYS stay up-to-date. Read newspapers, watch the news. Go online and read what people are saying. Make sure you have an active email account and try to use some of those social networks. You’ll be surprised what old friends you’ll meet. Keeping in touch with what is going on and with the people you know is important at any age.

10. Respect the younger generation and their opinions. They may not have the same ideals as you, but they are the future, and will take the world in their direction. Give advice, not criticism, and try to remind them that yesterday’s wisdom still applies today.

11. Never use the phrase: “In my time.” Your time is now. As long as you’re alive, you are part of this time. You may have been younger, but you are still you now, having fun and enjoying life.

12. Some people embrace their golden years, while others become bitter and surly. Life is too short to waste your days on the latter. Spend your time with positive, cheerful people, it’ll rub off on you and your days will seem that much better. Spending your time with bitter people will make you older and harder to be around.

13. Do not surrender to the temptation of living with your children or grandchildren (if you have a financial choice, that is). Sure, being surrounded by family sounds great, but we all need our privacy. They need theirs and you need yours. If you’ve lost your partner (our deepest condolences), then find a person to move in with you and help out. Even then, do so only if you feel you really need the help or do not want to live alone.

14. Don’t abandon your hobbies. If you don’t have any, make new ones. You can travel, hike, cook, read, dance. You can adopt a cat or a dog, grow a garden, play cards, checkers, chess, dominoes, golf. You can paint, volunteer or just collect certain items. Find something you like and spend some real time having fun with it.

15. Even if you don’t feel like it, try to accept invitations. Baptisms, graduations, birthdays, weddings, conferences. Try to go. Get out of the house, meet people you haven’t seen in a while, experience something new (or something old). But don’t get upset when you’re not invited. Some events are limited by resources, and not everyone can be hosted. The important thing is to leave the house from time to time. Go to museums, go walk through a field. Get out there.

16. Be a conversationalist. Talk less and listen more. Some people go on and on about the past, not caring if their listeners are really interested. That’s a great way of reducing their desire to speak with you. Listen first and answer questions, but don’t go off into long stories unless asked to. Speak in courteous tones and try not to complain or criticize too much unless you really need to. Try to accept situations as they are. Everyone is going through the same things, and people have a low tolerance for hearing complaints. Always find some good things to say as well.

17. Pain and discomfort go hand in hand with getting older. Try not to dwell on them but accept them as a part of the cycle of life we’re all going through. Try to minimize them in your mind. They are not who you are, they are something that life added to you. If they become your entire focus, you lose sight of the person you used to be.

18. If you’ve been offended by someone – forgive them. If you’ve offended someone - apologize. Don’t drag around resentment with you. It only serves to make you sad and bitter. It doesn’t matter who was right. Someone once said: “Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Don’t take that poison. Forgive, forget and move on with your life.

19. If you have a strong belief, savor it. But don’t waste your time trying to convince others. They will make their own choices no matter what you tell them, and it will only bring you frustration. Live your faith and set a Godly example. Live true to your beliefs and let that memory sway them.

20. Laugh. Laugh A LOT. Laugh at everything. Remember, you are one of the lucky ones. You managed to have a life, a long one. Many never get to this age, never get to experience a full life. But you did. So what’s not to laugh about? Find the humor in your situation.

21. Take no notice of what others say about you and even less notice of what they might be thinking. They’ll do it anyway, and you should have pride in yourself and what you’ve achieved. Let them talk and don’t worry. They have no idea about your history, your memories and the life you’ve lived so far. There’s still much to be written, so get busy writing and don’t waste time thinking about what others might think. Now is the time to be at rest, at peace and as happy as you can be!

............., ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,. ...............
Chicken Taxes

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."

"The woman says, "Ok, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is."

Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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AnswerID: 618424

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Apr 20, 2018 at 08:25

Friday, Apr 20, 2018 at 08:25
A Fix For That Snoring

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual..the wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's' testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

Very confused, he walks back into the bedroom, and he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were ... or what we did. But, by God, we took first and second place.
AnswerID: 618426

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Apr 20, 2018 at 13:23

Friday, Apr 20, 2018 at 13:23
The story is told of a woman who bought a parrot to keep her company, but she returned it the next day.
“This bird doesn’t talk,” she told the owner.
”Does he have a mirror in his cage?”he asked. “Parrots love mirrors. They see their reflection and start conversation.
The woman bought a mirror and left. The next day she returned; the bird still wasn’t talking.
“How about a ladder? Parrots love ladders. The happy parrot is a talkative parrot
The woman bought a ladder and left. But the next day, she was back.
“Does your parrot have a swing? No? Well, that’s the problem. Once he starts swinging, he’ll talk up a storm
The woman reluctantly bought a swing and left.
When she walked into the store the next day, her countenance had changed.
“The parrot died,” she said.
The pet store owner was shocked.
“I’m so sorry. Tell me, did he ever say anything?” he asked.
“Yes, right before it died,” the woman replied.
“In a weak voice, it asked me, ‘Don’t they sell any food at that pet store?’”
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Co. knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for the VaselineCompany. Have you ever used our product? She said, “Yes, my husband and I use it all the time.”
“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “What do you use it for?”
Mostly we use it for sex,” she said. The researcher was a little taken aback.
“Usually people don’t tell me that they use it for sex. Instead, they tell us that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to lubricate a gate hinge and many other things, but very rarely sex. As a matter of fact, we know that most people do use it for sex.
I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank with me, can you tell me exactly HOW do you use it for sex?”
The woman said, “It’s no secret and I don’t mind telling you at all.
My husband and I have found that if we put it on the doorknob, it keeps the kids out.”
AnswerID: 618434

Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderers - Friday, Apr 20, 2018 at 20:37

Friday, Apr 20, 2018 at 20:37
If only parents of kids who have a swimming pool, applied vaseline to the fence surrounds, hard to climb over a greasy fence

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Reply By: Ron N - Friday, Apr 20, 2018 at 19:50

Friday, Apr 20, 2018 at 19:50
Here's another one of Bill Wannan's famous yarns ....

During the Great Depression of the early 1930's, a sideshow man was forced to sell his well-trained monkey, with great regret, to keep himself fed and clothed.

The buyer was the town barber, who took the monkey home. Unfortunately, the cheeky monkey indulged in much havoc in his home - and under threat of divorce, the barber was forced to relocate him to his shop.

This turned out to be a good move, as the monkey turned out to be excellent entertainment for waiting clients - and also brought more clients in, as everyone wanted to see the barbers monkey and his tricks.

In the art of mimickry, the monkey had no equal. He was quick to copy everything the barber did.
One day, a big Irishman came in for a shave, and the barber started to lather him up.

Halfway through, the barber was called away to the shop counter - and the monkey promptly grabbed the brush, and continued with the lathering, much to the big Irishmans surprise.

But when the monkey picked up the cut-throat razor, it galvanised the big Irishman into jumping up, and speaking out.

"Now, look here, me bhoy! Ye kin lather to yer hearts desire! - but yer Father will have to do the shavin' .. !!

Cheers, Ron.
AnswerID: 618440

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Apr 20, 2018 at 20:42

Friday, Apr 20, 2018 at 20:42
Kim Jong Un

After numerous rounds of, "We don't know if Kim Jong Un is still
alive," Kim Jong Un himself decided to send Donald Trump a letter in
his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

The Donald opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line
of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H.

The Donald was baffled, so he e-mailed it to the Foreign Secretary and
his aides who had no clue either,

so they sent it to the FBI. None could solve it at the FBI,

so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps
Intelligence for help.

Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply,

"Tell The President, he's holding the message upside down."
Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 618443

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