Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, May 04, 2018 at 06:05
ThreadID: 136647 Views:2463 Replies:9 FollowUps:7
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Only an Aussie could pull this one off !

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighborhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few meters, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, May 04, 2018 at 06:08

Friday, May 04, 2018 at 06:08
Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in The Vatican in Rome.

One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding a Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but put money only into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

One day, a procession came past, and it included The Pope. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David.

After a few minutes, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. "This city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. "In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite.

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
AnswerID: 618666

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, May 04, 2018 at 09:22

Friday, May 04, 2018 at 09:22
The story is told of a woman who bought a parrot to keep her company, but she returned it the next day.
“This bird doesn’t talk,” she told the owner.
”Does he have a mirror in his cage?”he asked. “Parrots love mirrors. They see their reflection and start conversation.
The woman bought a mirror and left. The next day she returned; the bird still wasn’t talking.
“How about a ladder? Parrots love ladders. The happy parrot is a talkative parrot
The woman bought a ladder and left. But the next day, she was back.
“Does your parrot have a swing? No? Well, that’s the problem. Once he starts swinging, he’ll talk up a storm
The woman reluctantly bought a swing and left.
When she walked into the store the next day, her countenance had changed.
“The parrot died,” she said.
The pet store owner was shocked.
“I’m so sorry. Tell me, did he ever say anything?” he asked.
“Yes, right before it died,” the woman replied.
“In a weak voice, it asked me, ‘Don’t they sell any food at that pet store?’”

bill
AnswerID: 618668

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, May 04, 2018 at 09:22

Friday, May 04, 2018 at 09:22
During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow.
The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars.
“That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.”
“Why’s that?” asked the state trooper that was talking to him
The farmer paused for a minute before he responded.
“Because knowing the federal government, they’d have decided to lower the highways.”

bill
AnswerID: 618669

Reply By: Life Member - Woodsy - Friday, May 04, 2018 at 09:44

Friday, May 04, 2018 at 09:44
Hi Malcom

True? Recent?

A good joke but been around for many years
Happy 4 wheeling

Woodsy

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AnswerID: 618670

Follow Up By: Malcom M - Friday, May 04, 2018 at 10:30

Friday, May 04, 2018 at 10:30
Who cares? You may not have noticed but its a humour page.
I've never heard it before. Guessing there's a couple of others here who also haven't.
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Follow Up By: tim_c - Friday, May 04, 2018 at 11:20

Friday, May 04, 2018 at 11:20
Can't it be humorous if it's true?
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Follow Up By: OBJ - Friday, May 04, 2018 at 19:30

Friday, May 04, 2018 at 19:30
First time I've heard it too ... Bit like tv repeats .. if you have not seen it before, it is not a repeat.
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Follow Up By: Nomadic Navara - Friday, May 04, 2018 at 19:44

Friday, May 04, 2018 at 19:44
At least it was not a joke repeated in the last month.
PeterD
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Follow Up By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, May 04, 2018 at 20:03

Friday, May 04, 2018 at 20:03
Good to see your on the case Peter.
Dave.
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Reply By: Ron N - Friday, May 04, 2018 at 09:55

Friday, May 04, 2018 at 09:55
Military life ...

There was a certain CO who made a point, at every parade, of stopping and asking various soldiers if they were happy in the Army.

One day he happened to stop in front of Robbo, the platoon comic, and asked him if he was happy.

Robbo grudgingly admitted to the CO that he was reasonably happy.

The CO nodded, and then said, "What were you in civvy street, Private?"

Quick as a flash comes the answer, "A bloody sight happier still, Sir!"




Then there was the day three soldiers presented at the RAP (Regimental Aid Post), reporting sickness.

"Well!", said the Sgt medic to the first bloke, "What's wrong with you?"

"I've got a crook guts and bad diaorrhea, Sarge", he replied.

"O.K.", said the Sgt, "Stand aside, and I'll do some tests".

"And what's the matter with you?", the Sgt says to the second bloke.

"I've got massive blisters on me heels, and I'm struggling to walk properly", says the second bloke.

"O.K.", said the Sgt, "Stand aside, and I'll find some ointment for them".

The Sgt comes to the third bloke and says, "Alright, where are you sick?"

And the third bloke shot back, "Well, Sarge, I'm just plain sick of the whole bloody Army!"







AnswerID: 618671

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, May 04, 2018 at 10:24

Friday, May 04, 2018 at 10:24
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said, 'Have you ever been f---Ed?'

The fellow said 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
AnswerID: 618674

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, May 04, 2018 at 10:25

Friday, May 04, 2018 at 10:25
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were..
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs.'
AnswerID: 618675

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, May 04, 2018 at 10:43

Friday, May 04, 2018 at 10:43












Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Follow Up By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, May 04, 2018 at 11:45

Friday, May 04, 2018 at 11:45
Think that first one might be a setup Bill.
Dave.
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Follow Up By: MUZBRY- Life member(Vic) - Friday, May 04, 2018 at 12:54

Friday, May 04, 2018 at 12:54
Looks true to me David
Muzbry
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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, May 04, 2018 at 10:45

Friday, May 04, 2018 at 10:45
Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.

So, today I went over to the local Pro Shop to get a 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.
When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, -"Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!
As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer. I still don't think I looked that bad!

Just need to wear underwear in future.
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