Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, May 18, 2018 at 08:08
ThreadID: 136724 Views:1950 Replies:8 FollowUps:9
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Mogga, who was visiting from Australia.

Mogga "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY....

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CURRY #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who Wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer When they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

CHILLI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CHILLI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILLI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone ice-cream.

CHILLI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILLI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report.
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, May 18, 2018 at 08:10

Friday, May 18, 2018 at 08:10
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 note fell out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 notes falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me

officer..

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back garden is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower display It used to really tick me off; kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., mate! Give me $20, or off it comes.

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
AnswerID: 618979

Reply By: RMD - Friday, May 18, 2018 at 08:23

Friday, May 18, 2018 at 08:23
In curry #3 wouldn't Mogga wish to call 000 instead of 911, seeing he was from Australia?
The local Natal Police number would be better.
AnswerID: 618981

Follow Up By: Alloy c/t - Friday, May 18, 2018 at 09:07

Friday, May 18, 2018 at 09:07
Bit pedantic ,,,, 911 - 000 ,we are in the age of mobile phones , try and find a 'rotary' dial now , even when we had them here in Australia how sensible was it to have '0' at the end of the rotary ? Three , yes 3 times for the 'dial ' to take its longest 'journey' .......
1
FollowupID: 891124

Follow Up By: Genny - Friday, May 18, 2018 at 11:46

Friday, May 18, 2018 at 11:46
Deliberately done that way to minimise the risk of children dialing emergency by accident.
0
FollowupID: 891128

Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, May 18, 2018 at 14:06

Friday, May 18, 2018 at 14:06
I thought it was quite funny, a person who is from Australia and now in India, is thinking of ringing a Police number in USA, thousands of miles away, when that person would logicaly think 000 long before thinking 911, both if which isn't local to where he is anyway.
What would LAPD do for him? Perhaps seeing it is curry related it is a hot line.
0
FollowupID: 891130

Follow Up By: Member - Bigfish - Friday, May 18, 2018 at 17:52

Friday, May 18, 2018 at 17:52
Seriously??????
2
FollowupID: 891133

Follow Up By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, May 18, 2018 at 20:52

Friday, May 18, 2018 at 20:52
Now I'm totally confused as to who to call if I'm on holidays in England.
Think I might just " call home ".
Dave.
0
FollowupID: 891136

Follow Up By: Frank P (NSW) - Friday, May 18, 2018 at 23:07

Friday, May 18, 2018 at 23:07
"Now I'm totally confused as to who to call if I'm on holidays in England."

This is supposed to be Friday Funnies, but since the question has been asked...

112 from a mobile or 999.Link
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FollowupID: 891139

Follow Up By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, May 18, 2018 at 23:24

Friday, May 18, 2018 at 23:24
Not a great movie fan then Frank. :)
Dave. "ET"
0
FollowupID: 891140

Follow Up By: Member - Boobook - Sunday, May 20, 2018 at 08:51

Sunday, May 20, 2018 at 08:51
OK speaking of Pedantic, it appears that the joke is South African. Natal is a province of South Africa, and the PMG referred to is Pietermaritzburg. The Capital of Natal.

So they would be calling 10177. Even if the person was an Aussie.

:-)
Tony
200 with 2012 Tvan Canning.
Happiness >= your perception of the events in your life minus your expectation of how life should be.

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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, May 18, 2018 at 09:11

Friday, May 18, 2018 at 09:11
Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

bill
AnswerID: 618982

Follow Up By: wozzie (WA) - Friday, May 18, 2018 at 12:45

Friday, May 18, 2018 at 12:45
2nd last one sounds like a "Centrelink" notice......
Dreamin' agin

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, May 18, 2018 at 10:28

Friday, May 18, 2018 at 10:28
The wife said, ‘here’s $50 get the dog a warm jacket and if there’s any money left you can buy yourself a beer’.





Google PizZA



CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizz

CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.

CALLER: OK … I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses
sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: OK! That's what I want ...

GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula
sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know?

GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.
According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source
which is against the law.

CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?

GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.
I’m going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you'll need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago …
Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 618983

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, May 18, 2018 at 10:30

Friday, May 18, 2018 at 10:30



Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 618984

Reply By: ExplorOz Team - Michelle - Friday, May 18, 2018 at 10:48

Friday, May 18, 2018 at 10:48
TEXT TO NEIGHBOUR

"Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Regards,Richard"

NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE:
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.
Michelle Martin
Customer Support - ExplorOz & ExplorOz Traveller

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Classifieds: Australian Historical/Pioneer/Autobiography, Travel Guidebooks
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AnswerID: 618985

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, May 18, 2018 at 16:52

Friday, May 18, 2018 at 16:52
Dingo Culling

The NSW Government and the NSW Greens party were recently presenting an alternative method to NSW Farmers for controlling that States rampant dingo population.
It seems that after years of the farmers using the tried and true traditional methods of shooting or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the male dingoes would then be castrated and let loose again. By doing this, the entire dingo population would be controlled.
This was actually proposed to the NSW Farmers and Graziers Association by the NSW Government and the NSW Greens. All of the farmers thought about this groundbreaking idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, one of the old farmers in the back of the conference room rose to his feet, tipped back his hat and said,

'Son, I don't think you understand our problem....Those dingoes ain't f...in' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'
AnswerID: 618991

Reply By: bazz - Friday, May 18, 2018 at 19:41

Friday, May 18, 2018 at 19:41
How to teach a dog to talk..
Lift tail ..
Rub with sand paper..
Ask dog how it feels ..?
Answer will be.........
....................................................................................................................................
"Ruff"
AnswerID: 618994

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