Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, May 25, 2018 at 06:02
ThreadID: 136757 Views:2422 Replies:11 FollowUps:7
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor,

"We're getting granite counter tops."
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, May 25, 2018 at 06:03

Friday, May 25, 2018 at 06:03
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path. "

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk."

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught
AnswerID: 619134

Follow Up By: MUZBRY- Life member(Vic) - Friday, May 25, 2018 at 07:26

Friday, May 25, 2018 at 07:26
Gday
A married mans prayer::
Dear God, you gave me childhood.. you took it away.
You gave me youth:: you took it away.
You gave me a wife..its years now- just reminding you ....
Muzbry
Great place to be Mt Blue Rag 27/12/2012

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Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderers - Friday, May 25, 2018 at 23:50

Friday, May 25, 2018 at 23:50
The wife wakes up in the middle of the night and notices her husband is not beside her, so she puts on her slippers and leaves the bedroom. As she descends the stairs, she thought she could hear weeping coming up from the basement.

She steps down into the basement following the sounds and there in the corner was her husband crying.
she goes over to him and asks, whats the matter?

The husband cries, remember when your father said to me at our wedding, if you hurt my daughter, I'll kill you

I would've been released today

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Reply By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, May 25, 2018 at 07:25

Friday, May 25, 2018 at 07:25
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.

"We're sorry, Mr. O’ Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O’Flynn asked.

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. O’ Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O’ Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. O’ Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"

The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
AnswerID: 619137

Reply By: MUZBRY- Life member(Vic) - Friday, May 25, 2018 at 07:29

Friday, May 25, 2018 at 07:29
Gday
A borer slithered into a pub and yelled... where's the bar tender
Muzbry
Great place to be Mt Blue Rag 27/12/2012

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AnswerID: 619138

Reply By: Member - John and Val - Friday, May 25, 2018 at 08:28

Friday, May 25, 2018 at 08:28
J and V
"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."
- Albert Einstein

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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, May 25, 2018 at 08:47

Friday, May 25, 2018 at 08:47
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how vassah de treepa?”

Luigi said, “Everytinga vassah perfecto except for da traina ride down.”
“Whadda you mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni.”

“Well, we boarda da train at Granna Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she packa bigga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice salami and cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga vassah okey dokey until we getta hungry and open uppa da luncha basket.

The conductore comma by, wagga hissa finger at us an say, ‘no eat in dissa car. Musta use a dining car.’
“So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a bigga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hissa finger and say, ‘No drinka in dissa car. Musta use a club a car.’

“So, we go to club car. While drinkin vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he wagga hissa finger again and say, ‘No smokin in dissa car. Musta go to smokin car.’ We go to smokin car and I smoka my biga cigar.

“Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hissa voice, ‘Nofolka Virginia!n Nofolka Virginia!’
“Next time, Ima gonna takea da bus!”

bill
AnswerID: 619140

Reply By: Member - Paul B (WA) - Friday, May 25, 2018 at 09:18

Friday, May 25, 2018 at 09:18
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen a lift) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go and get your Mother."
Paul B Kalgoorlie

Do your best, have fun & s/he with the most friends wins!

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Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderers - Friday, May 25, 2018 at 23:55

Friday, May 25, 2018 at 23:55
I saw that skit on The Beverly Hillbillies, when Jethro watched the elevator, turns to his son and says, Go get Granny. Lol

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, May 25, 2018 at 13:11

Friday, May 25, 2018 at 13:11
Shopping at Ikea with my boyfriends parents

My boyfriends Mom say's to him

"let Jenny pick out your ceiling fan

since she'll be theone looking at it."

--------

'Mom' You guys don't give your brother enough credit

He exercises daily, eats three meals a day and spends time outside.

He has never been so disciplined.

Me 'Mom he's in jail.'
--------------------------------------------


The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.

"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says the husband.

"I just feel more comfortable this way," the wife responds.

"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues the husband.

The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo.

"I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture
then heads for the shower himself.

He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.

"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands the wife.

The husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.

"What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks the husband.

The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again.

"I'll have it ENLARGED."

-----------------------------------------

Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life
not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"

Assistant replies: "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."

Pharmacist says: "He seems to be fine now."

Assistant replies: "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough!"

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 619151

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, May 25, 2018 at 13:13

Friday, May 25, 2018 at 13:13
Broken Hill, Australia, after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.
An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humanity.

Dear Broken Hill High School,
God bless you for the beautiful wireless I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon.
I am 87 years old and live at the St Anne's Nursing Home for the Aged
All my family has passed away so I'm all alone.
I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own wireless; but, she would never let me listen to it.
She said it belonged to her long dead husband,
and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her wireless fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces.
It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to ef off.
God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Edna
Brought a tear to your eyes I bet.
Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 619152

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, May 25, 2018 at 13:31

Friday, May 25, 2018 at 13:31
Why Women live longer that men











Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: The Explorer - Friday, May 25, 2018 at 15:37

Friday, May 25, 2018 at 15:37
I sent one final shout after him to stick to the track, to which he replied “All right,”.That was the last ever seen of Gibson - E Giles 23 April 1874

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AnswerID: 619158

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, May 25, 2018 at 17:09

Friday, May 25, 2018 at 17:09
60+ deodorant.


For Seniors
60 plus deodorant.

I got this new deodorant today.The instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom".
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells awesome!
AnswerID: 619161

Follow Up By: Member - ACD 1 - Friday, May 25, 2018 at 17:25

Friday, May 25, 2018 at 17:25
Given I have my 80 year old Mother in Law staying with us at the moment That has to be the "Joke of the Year".

Cheers

Anthony
VKS 3539
Work - a 40 hour interuption to my weekend!
Too many places - too little time

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Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderers - Saturday, May 26, 2018 at 00:07

Saturday, May 26, 2018 at 00:07
Is she single?

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Follow Up By: Member - ACD 1 - Saturday, May 26, 2018 at 12:56

Saturday, May 26, 2018 at 12:56
Actually she is!

Very wealthy widow with a yearning for travel.

I showed her your profile pick and she is very keen to hook up!

Attached are her Tinder profile pics.



Send me your phone number and I'll pass it on to her.

Cheers

Anthony
VKS 3539
Work - a 40 hour interuption to my weekend!
Too many places - too little time

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Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderers - Sunday, May 27, 2018 at 17:51

Sunday, May 27, 2018 at 17:51
I don't care much for money so your inheritance is safe.

H'mmm not a big fan on cigars, on his last show in England, Groucho Marx walked out on stage, said my five Dr's told me to give up smoking cigars, they all dead, and then puff's on his cigar.

Standing ovation, he got and not a swear word in sight

I take it she's a good cook other wise you wouldn't be here.
would she (name please) like to travel to the gathering at Kilcowera station in Oct. Just me an my Scruffy are going, could do with some conversation as the dog is not much as a talker like myself.

Since I need Viagra just so I don't piss on my slippers, there'll be no hanky panky since there is only one bed and Scruffy gets very upset when sharing, she even growls at me if I happen to move on her side, does your Mother growl too?

With a bit of encouragement I could pass my number through message, of course I don't want every Tom, Dick an Harry looking at my phone number on this forum

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