Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Jun 01, 2018 at 06:00
ThreadID: 136789 Views:2650 Replies:9 FollowUps:2
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

You all have obsessions, he stated. I am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, Whisky.

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy.

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Grab Fanny and Willy, we're going home.
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jun 01, 2018 at 06:01

Friday, Jun 01, 2018 at 06:01
On a bitterly cold winter morning an Irish husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
AnswerID: 619275

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Jun 01, 2018 at 14:49

Friday, Jun 01, 2018 at 14:49
Do you believe in Genies?

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in. When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life. 'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?' She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey? You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

AnswerID: 619281

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jun 01, 2018 at 15:08

Friday, Jun 01, 2018 at 15:08
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Co. knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for the VaselineCompany. Have you ever used our product? She said, “Yes, my husband and I use it all the time.”
“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “What do you use it for?”
Mostly we use it for sex,” she said. The researcher was a little taken aback.
“Usually people don’t tell me that they use it for sex. Instead, they tell us that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to lubricate a gate hinge and manyother things, but very rarely sex. As a matter of fact, we know that most people do use it for sex.
I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank with me, can you tell me exactly HOW do you use it for sex?”
The woman said, “It’s no secret and I don’t mind telling you at all.
My husband and I have found that if we put it on the doorknob, it keeps the kids out.”

AnswerID: 619283

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jun 01, 2018 at 15:08

Friday, Jun 01, 2018 at 15:08
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop.
The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then realized that there's nobody behind the wheel!
The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life.
He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel.
The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.
Gathering strength, he gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes into a bar, asks for two shots of whisky, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying, but wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked in the same bar and one said to the other: "Look, Joe, that's the asshole that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

AnswerID: 619284

Reply By: Member - Paul B (WA) - Friday, Jun 01, 2018 at 18:28

Friday, Jun 01, 2018 at 18:28
It's late in the day, but not too late to wheel this one out again.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Paul B Kalgoorlie

Do your best, have fun & s/he with the most friends wins!

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AnswerID: 619287

Reply By: Member - Blue M - Friday, Jun 01, 2018 at 19:10

Friday, Jun 01, 2018 at 19:10

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore .....
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

New Book
A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant,
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy..."

Poor Lance Armstrong -
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike!

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick Bastard!!

Just got scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

So True
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you've been screwed.

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?"
"For god sakes , if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "
AnswerID: 619288

Follow Up By: Genny - Friday, Jun 01, 2018 at 20:56

Friday, Jun 01, 2018 at 20:56
Do you know what's different about a dead dingo and a dead lawyer on the road?

There's skid marks before the dingo.
FollowupID: 891542

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jun 01, 2018 at 20:41

Friday, Jun 01, 2018 at 20:41
Funny photo's

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 619290

Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderers - Friday, Jun 01, 2018 at 21:43

Friday, Jun 01, 2018 at 21:43
RAFLMAO, the beer was funny, and the salmon, peta, good one, it's stupid, how do you steer it? And you wouldn't want to catch anything bigger than a goldfish nor get a backwash from a passing speed boat

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FollowupID: 891544

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Saturday, Jun 02, 2018 at 18:59

Saturday, Jun 02, 2018 at 18:59
More Funny photo's

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 619316

Reply By: Member - John and Val - Sunday, Jun 03, 2018 at 13:42

Sunday, Jun 03, 2018 at 13:42

J and V
"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."
- Albert Einstein

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AnswerID: 619324

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