Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Jun 15, 2018 at 06:53
ThreadID: 136846 Views:2252 Replies:9 FollowUps:0
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The Sheer Nightgown....

A husband walks into David Jones to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks ( she's no dummy ), 'I have an idea.

It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep

The $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500 they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jun 15, 2018 at 06:55

Friday, Jun 15, 2018 at 06:55
An English lawyer went duck hunting near Truro . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Cornwall . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
AnswerID: 619577

Reply By: Life Member-Doug T NSW - Friday, Jun 15, 2018 at 08:02

Friday, Jun 15, 2018 at 08:02
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists,
finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British."
One week later, the state's Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia , reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia's Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely stuff all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian, doesn't it?
A Gift from Andrea.

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AnswerID: 619580

Reply By: RMD - Friday, Jun 15, 2018 at 09:46

Friday, Jun 15, 2018 at 09:46
Funny, seeing he was serious, but not so funny in reality.

Tax payers well spent.

Well doesn’t this little gem give you comfort for the future.

Subject: read this sentence and cry, can you honestly believe this.
The future Treasurer of Australia (Chris Bowen) actually said these words:

"The PBO has clearly shown that the unfair Turnbull Government tax cuts offer no benefit to those who don’t pay tax.
This is plainly unfair that people should not get a tax cut just because they don’t pay tax".
AnswerID: 619587

Reply By: oldfart1953 - Friday, Jun 15, 2018 at 10:11

Friday, Jun 15, 2018 at 10:11
Smile for the day



A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.



Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob".



Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young-looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.



"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob and have always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems:



First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."



The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags. those are your tits."



She said, "No point asking about the beard then….”.

AnswerID: 619588

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jun 15, 2018 at 10:31

Friday, Jun 15, 2018 at 10:31
The light turned yellow, just in front of him.


He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.
-------------------------------------




Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 619590

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jun 15, 2018 at 14:49

Friday, Jun 15, 2018 at 14:49



bill
AnswerID: 619600

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jun 15, 2018 at 14:50

Friday, Jun 15, 2018 at 14:50
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure
he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

bill
AnswerID: 619601

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jun 15, 2018 at 14:51

Friday, Jun 15, 2018 at 14:51
Overworked? The population of the U.S.A. is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That means 133 million to do all the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do all the work. Of this there are now 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 Million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.


That leaves just two people to do all the work. You and me. And you're just sitting here at your computer reading jokes.

bill
AnswerID: 619602

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Jun 15, 2018 at 16:20

Friday, Jun 15, 2018 at 16:20
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, So he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was to remove his testicles. "No way!" replied Wiremu. "I'm gittin a sicund upinyun.

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that having his testicles removed was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you hev Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "We're gonna hev to cut off your b*lls."

"Phew, thenk god for thet!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie b*st*rds wanted to take me test tickets off me!"
AnswerID: 619603

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