Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 05:43
ThreadID: 136881 Views:2314 Replies:10 FollowUps:1
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A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please!", the man says.
The shop assistant climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he would really like two loaves.
After she retrieves the second loaf of bread and descends the ladder, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 05:46

Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 05:46
PENSION WORRIES

Worried your pension will run short?
So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you - what do you do?

Senior Health Care Solution
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot 2 MPs and 2 illegal immigrants!
Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!
New teeth? - No problem.
Need glasses? - Great.
New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart?
All covered.
And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).

And who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax any more.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?

No wonder the rest of the worlds population cant get here fast enough!
AnswerID: 619745

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 05:47

Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 05:47
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

I buy a drink and drop a capsule in and sit here waiting for the arsenic dissolve.

Then some asshole shows up and drinks the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"
AnswerID: 619746

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 07:10

Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 07:10
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a bloody good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

What part of broke do you not understand?"
AnswerID: 619747

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 07:10

Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 07:10
Beer Warning To All Men

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.
AnswerID: 619748

Follow Up By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 14:11

Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 14:11
TEA IS AN EVIL SUBSTANCE !


Tea is much more dangerous than beer.
Please avoid drinking tea.


I discovered this last night. I went to the pub for lunch yesterday and had about 20 beers while my other half was home drinking tea. You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home at 2 a.m. this morning !
I was happy, silent and peaceful and headed straight for bed as she shouted at me all night long and was still agro and shouting when I got up a little while ago.

Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, just don't drink it !
3
FollowupID: 892061

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 07:21

Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 07:21
WHATS IN A WORD?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and

"Is that one word or two?"

AnswerID: 619749

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 09:03

Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 09:03
Feeling lucky
https://youtu.be/TojvlS_SmAU


I thought a vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant
but apparently it just changes the colour of the baby.
Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 619751

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 09:14

Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 09:14
When purchasing a bicycle....no matter how cute you are...be SURE to consider
the colour of the seat












Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 619752

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 09:17

Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 09:17
As we progress through the year 2018, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Nigeria, Romania, Singapore, Malaysia and Uzbekistan ..

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a $1.00 coin dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a s*x molester waiting
to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.,
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their
hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 3m out of the toilet.
********************************************************************************************
bill
AnswerID: 619753

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 09:18

Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 09:18
Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy's barn door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front
of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in
the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something s*xy to a tractor'."

[Don't make me come splain this to you! ---Read the last line again, slowly--out loud.]

bill
AnswerID: 619754

Reply By: Member - Paul B (WA) - Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 09:40

Friday, Jun 22, 2018 at 09:40
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, as passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. "That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
Paul B Kalgoorlie

Do your best, have fun & s/he with the most friends wins!

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AnswerID: 619755

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