Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 06:33
ThreadID: 136942 Views:2116 Replies:11 FollowUps:1
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When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 06:36

Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 06:36
Missing wife

A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:

Husband : Ive lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

Sergeant : What is her height ?

Husband : Oh, 5 something . .. .

Sergeant : Build?

Husband : Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant : Colour of eyes?

Husband : Never noticed.

Sergeant : Colour of hair?

Husband : Changes according to season.

Sergeant : What was she wearing?

Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don't remember exactly.

Sergeant : Did she go in a car?

Husband : yes.

Sergeant : What kind of car was it?

Husband : 2014 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door..

Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......Well find your car.
AnswerID: 619969

Reply By: Ron N - Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 10:01

Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 10:01
Australia has an increasing Muslim population, and the Lakemba Mosque is one of Australia's largest.

The Mosque had an open day, so anyone who wasn't a Muslim could go in, and see how Muslims worshipped.

I thought I'd check the place out. At the time, I was on crutches, because I had a minor knee injury from playing football too hard.

I sat down, and the Imam spotted me, came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:

"By the will of Allah and the wish of the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today!"

I told him I wasn't permanently paralysed, I only had a small knee injury, that would soon heal.

He laid his hands on me again, and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra:

"By the will of Allah and the wish of the prophet Mohammed - you WILL walk today."

Once again, I told him there was nothing seriously wrong with me.

After prayers I stepped outside - and bugger me, if he wasn't right! -

MY CAR WAS GONE!!!

AnswerID: 619974

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 10:12

Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 10:12
10 best Caddy Replies

IF IT'S IMPORTANT FOR CADDIES TO BE HONEST IN THEIR EXPRESSIONS TO HELP THE GOLFER FOR WHOM THEY ARE CADDYING, THEN THIS GUY IS GOOD AT HIS JOB.

10 best Caddy Replies:

# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 -- Best Caddy Comment .... Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

bill
AnswerID: 619975

Follow Up By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 13:50

Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 13:50
Golfer after 50m drive. " What am I doing wrong "
Caddy. " Your standing to close to the ball after you've hit it "
Dave.
6
FollowupID: 892315

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 10:13

Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 10:13
Heaven

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".:

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"

Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a
loyal American."

God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"
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Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

Bill
AnswerID: 619976

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 12:35

Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 12:35
The station owner had been away droving for 6 months. As he was riding back to the station he met one of the old workers who had been with him for years and he asked him how were things going on the station.
He said he had some bad news
"That old blue cattle dog died"
"How"
"We think it might have been some bad horse meat"
"Where did the dog get the bad horse meat"
"From your two race horses"
"What the race horses are dead how"
"From the fire"
"What fire"
"The fire that burnt the stable down"
"How did the the stable catch fire"
"We think it was a spark from the homestead when it burnt down"
"How did the homestead catch fire"
"Well we think one of the curtins must have blown onto a candle at the wake"
"What wake"
"The wake we were having for your wife"
"My wifes dead"
"Yes boss"

The drover was by now down on his knees weeping.
The old worker put his hand on his shoulder and said " I know how you feel boss I loved that old blue dog too"
AnswerID: 619978

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 12:37

Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 12:37
Have you ever wondering how yodeling began?

Many yeaSr ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow traveling through needs a place to stay for the night, so I told him he could sleep in the barn' replied her father.

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry" So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned, her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmers wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty...so she fetched a bottle of wine, took it up to the barn...and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone she broken into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye", she cried "We made passionate love last night!!"

"What" shouted the farmer and he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed at him, "I'm going to get you!!! You had sex with my daughter!!!"

The man looked back down the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHELADEEETOO"
AnswerID: 619979

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 16:38

Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 16:38
Funny photos











Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 619986

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 16:41

Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 16:41
Little johnny

Little Johnny and Silly Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. "My Father is better than your Father!" Billy

declared.

"No, he's not!" Johnny responded.

"My brother is better than you brother!" Billy said.

"He is not! He is not!" yelled Little Johnny.

"My Mother is better than your Mother!" Billy continued.

A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my father say the same thing more than once."

---------------------------------------------------------

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know

the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and

says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't

say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug

--------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "Little Johnny, I want you to give me a sentence using the word 'geometry'.

Johnny: "The tiny seed grew and grew until it was finally big enough to say, 'Gee, I'm a tree!'"

-----------------------------------------------------

The teacher asked Little Johnny, "What's two and two?" He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, "Four, teacher?" She said, "Yes, that's right, but you counted on your

fingers.

"Put your hands behind your back and tell me what's three and three." He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, "Six, teacher?" She said, "Yes,

that's right, but you're still counting on your fingers.

"Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what's five and five." He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, "Eleven, teacher?"

-----------------------------------------------

A teacher wrote this sentence on the blackboard: 'I ain't had no fun in months!'

"How can I correct this?" she asked.

"Get a new boyfriend!" Little Johnny yelled.

------------------------------------------------

While sitting in the front row of a football match, Little Johnny's friend asks him where he got the tickets from.

"From my brother," replied Johnny.

"Awesome," said his friend. "And where is your brother?"

Little Johnny chuckled, and then said, "At home, looking for his tickets!"

---------------------------------------------------

The mayor spots Little Johnny walking a cow down the main road, and asks him where he's taking it.

"To the bulls to get her pregnant," replies Johnny.

The mayor is taken aback and tells him that his father would be better off doing that.

"Nah," Little Johnny replies. "I think the bulls are better qualified for that task!

-----------------------------------------------

One Sunday afternoon, a traveling salesman knocks on Little Johnny's front door.

"Is your dad home, son?" he asks.

"Nope, he's in the shower," replies Johnny.

"What about your mother?"

"Sorry, she's in there too."

"Oh, I see," said the salesman. "Do you think they'll be out any time soon?"

"I doubt it," replied Johnny. "Right before they went in, dad asked me to get him some Vaseline, but I handed him the super glue instead!"

------------------------------------------------

One morning, a firefighter came to Little Johnny's classroom to give a safety presentation.

He held up a smoke alarm and asked the class if anyone knew what it was.

Little Johnny immediately raised his hand, and the firefighter called on him to answer.

"That's the bell that tells mom that supper is ready!"

------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny's dad came up to him one day to have a chat about the birds and the bees.

"Please stop, dad! I really don't want to know!" yelled Little Johnny.

Confused by this sudden outburst, his dad asked him what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Johnny sobbed. "At age six you told me the Easter Bunny didn't exist. At seven, you told me the truth about the tooth fairy, and at eight you stripped away my

belief in Santa Claus. If you now tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, then I've got nothing left to live for!"
Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 619987

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 17:17

Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 17:17
(Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of140 or
higher.) Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local café. When
theysat down, one of them discovered that the salt shaker contained pepper &
thepepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two
bottles without spilling any &using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a
job for Mensa minds. The group debated the problem, presented ideas & finally
came up with abrilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw & an empty saucer.
They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution."Miss," they
said, "We couldn't help but notice that the pepper shakercontains salt & the salt
shaker…. “ but before they could finish, the waitress interrupted, "Oh! sorry
aboutthat." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles &
switchedthem. There was dead silence at the Mensa table. Kinda reminds ya of
the government, doesn't it. Don't confuse IQ and education with common sense.
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 619993

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 17:19

Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 17:19
A husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all
very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
>
>
> "Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running
late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and
didn't have time to get you a gift."
>
>
> "Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together
today."
>
> Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad". I
just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for
you".
>
> "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
>
> Just then the daughter,a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy
Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy
packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."
>
> After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I
have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this,
we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and
I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get
married."
>
>
> The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
>
> "Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"
>
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 619994

Reply By: OutBack Wanderers - Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 21:29

Friday, Jul 06, 2018 at 21:29
The husband asked his wife what would she do if he won Powerball.
She said, I'd take half and leave you.
So he says, I won ten quid last night, here's a fiver, now p*** off

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AnswerID: 620006

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