Friday funnies

Submitted: Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 05:33
ThreadID: 136979 Views:3434 Replies:11 FollowUps:48
This is what all of you 70+ year-olds, and those yet-to-be have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living centre

The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK.

She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.

A couple of hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts. I suggest you do the same.
Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 06:59

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 06:59
A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she asks....

'Yes,' he replies.

'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.

'It's best I stay here,' he says...................

'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says:

"Because I'm the goal keeper!!"
AnswerID: 620119

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 07:01

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 07:01
Jennifer, a manager at a local Mitre 10 store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.
Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?

'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir? she asked the second man.

'Hmmm let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.

A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.

''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.

'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.

When you flip that switch h, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than

an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man.

'Its hard to beat the speed of light, 'she said.

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.

What?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom,

but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit myself.

'Wally is now working at a Mitre 10 near you.
AnswerID: 620120

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 09:11

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 09:11
Pre-school children were asked the following question:
"In which direction is the bus pictured below traveling?"



Look carefully at the picture.

Do you know the answer?

The only possible answers are "left" or "right."



Think about it




Still don't know?





Okay, I'll tell you.







The pre-schoolers all answered "right"

When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling in the right direction?"

they answered:

"Because you can't see the door."



Feel pretty stupid now, don't you?

Me too.

bill
AnswerID: 620126

Follow Up By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 10:41

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 10:41
Me Too
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Follow Up By: Zippo - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 11:06

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 11:06
Who said the only possible answers are left or right?

Time to think outside the box. It's travelling away from you - that's the rear view and tail lights.
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Follow Up By: Allan B (Sunshine Coast) - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 11:15

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 11:15
.
Don't be silly. It is clearly an American bus.

It's going left.
Cheers
Allan

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Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 12:42

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 12:42
Since nearly ALL Orstrayan children have been brought up on a diet of American everything, the bus is definitely a Yankee bus, probably yellow in colour and the pre schoolers who answered "to the right", are the children of and the few remaining families in Oz who think like Australians.
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Follow Up By: Allan B (Sunshine Coast) - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 12:45

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 12:45
Yes, it was the yellow colour that was the give-away for me.
Cheers
Allan

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Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 13:03

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 13:03
Alan.
I noticed it was parked on the RHS of the road too, the diner is hidden by the bus.
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Follow Up By: Iza B - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 14:06

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 14:06
Does not seem to be travelling anywhere. Still in the same position on the screen for the last few minutes.
What would be wrong with an East or West answer? Or North or South? There are a lot more answers other than two. Basically, the question shows the pre-school kids are likely smarted than the person asking the question.

Iza
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Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderers - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 23:44

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 23:44
Why not to the left, same logic, you can't see the door, btw, it looks like my school bus, different colour though, it's on this side of the street going to the left, if it was going to the right it's in the wrong bloody lane
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Follow Up By: Michael H9 - Saturday, Jul 14, 2018 at 08:15

Saturday, Jul 14, 2018 at 08:15
I thought it was travelling down because it isn't on the road, there's nothing underneath it.
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Follow Up By: Stevemac - Saturday, Jul 14, 2018 at 11:46

Saturday, Jul 14, 2018 at 11:46
Can’t see the drivers door either
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Follow Up By: Nomadic Navara - Saturday, Jul 14, 2018 at 19:58

Saturday, Jul 14, 2018 at 19:58
Drivers door on a bus? What percentage of buses have them?
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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 09:14

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 09:14
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one, a
real sweet Potato, whom they called 'Yam.'

They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked because
she could get Mashed, get a bad name like 'Hot Potato,' and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, that no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her!

But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her
Shoestring cousins.

Mr.and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped.

Yam told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of
the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to Idaho P.U., that's Potato University, where the Big Potatoes come from.
When she graduates, she'll really be in the Chips.

One day Yam came home and said she was going to marry Ray Warren. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because
Ray Warren is just a commentator.

bill

PS. add Bruce McAvaney, Sam Kekovich, Eddie McGuire or your favourite.
AnswerID: 620127

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 10:20

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 10:20
Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense
Interesting but sadly, rather true.


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.'
AnswerID: 620130

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 10:21

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 10:21
A bunch of blokes are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
BLOKE: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
BLOKE: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
BLOKE: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
BLOKE: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$70,000"
BLOKE: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
BLOKE: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
BLOKE: "Bye! I love you, too." The bloke hangs up. The other blokes in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
AnswerID: 620131

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 10:50

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 10:50
Funny pics













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AnswerID: 620134

Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderers - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 23:53

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 23:53
We're On a Road to Nowhere

annnnnnnnnnnnddddddddd must remember that Free Friday, lol
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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 11:04

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 11:04
What's got 4 legs and an arm?

A happy Rottweiler!!
--------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
--------------
When George W. Bush was asked if he knew what Roe vs Wade was, he replied it was the decision that George Washington needed to make when he planned for his army to cross the Delaware.
--------------------------
A sergeant in a parachute regiment took part in several night time exercises. Once, he was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet and looked a bit pale, so the sergeant struck up a conversation

"Scared, Lieutenant?" he asked.

"No, just a bit apprehensive." the lieutenant replied.

"What's the difference?" asked the sergeant

The lieutenant answered, "The difference is I'm scared with a university education."
Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 620135

Reply By: Member - Blue M - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 12:07

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 12:07
Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three
Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maori's buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maori's.

They all board the train.
The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Maori's cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Maori.

"Watch and learn bro," answers an Aussie .

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three Maori's cram into another nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------

Irish Logic
Twelve year old Danny Murphy doesn’t look a bit like his parents or his siblings so his mother, Mary Murphy, decides to do a DNA test.
She is shocked to find out that the boy is actually from completely different parents and exclaims to her husband, Pat.

“Pat, I have something very serious to tell you!"

Pat replies, "Yes?”

Mary says, "According to the DNA test results, Danny is not our son."

Pat replies, "Oh yes, don’t you remember when we were leaving the hospital and were getting into the car,
you noticed that our baby had pooped in his pants.
You said, 'Pat please go and change the baby, I’ll wait for you here in the car with the other children.'
So I went and got another one."


------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------

Modern Woman:

Assertive Women’s Conference.

Notes from the meeting:

The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said 'During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.

Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.

After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.'

(The crowd cheered).

The second lady from Russia , stood up and said, 'After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.

The first day, I saw nothing.

After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.

(The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia , stood up and said, 'Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washin his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.

(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued. 'Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye.'
AnswerID: 620139

Follow Up By: Iza B - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 14:14

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 14:14
When were jokes about domestic violence ever funny? Attempts at jokes around racial stereotypes only say negative things about those who post them.

Iza
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FollowupID: 892471

Follow Up By: Aussie1 - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 15:03

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 15:03
For goodness sake "lighten up" I only saw it as quite humorous and don't expect to become a worse person for the experience of reading it. Stay happy and enjoy your travels.
7
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Follow Up By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 17:02

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 17:02
Spend a bit of time around some remote communities Aussie1 and you will find there's not to much to " lighten up " about on this front.
Dave.
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FollowupID: 892476

Follow Up By: Aussie1 - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 19:00

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 19:00
Hi David, You may be interested to know I have spent a lot of my working life in and around "remote communities". However I respect your comment but, I find it necessary to add it to my book of "useless information". Safe travels mate and stay safe.
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Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 19:52

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 19:52
The “joke “ as such, is a sober reminder of the way Aboriginal women bear the brunt of almost all issues which arise far to often in communities. The men need to be brought to account.
3
FollowupID: 892482

Follow Up By: Shaker - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 21:39

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 21:39
There was an Englishman, an Irishman & an Australian ......
Oops, sorry racial stereotyping again!

A big percentage of jokes can be seen to upset somebody, be it racial, gender or denigrating the disabled. I don’t think anybody here is out to be deliberately offensive in Friday Funnies, if they were the Moderators would do their job.
"Jesus loves you"
Nice to hear in church, but not in a Mexican prison!

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Follow Up By: Dublediff - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 22:10

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 22:10
I agree with the sentiment regarding domestic violence, and yes the joke may have been inappropriate. Iza, you might have been a little heavy handed with your comment. amongst friends, as I hope we all are with a common interest in exploring this grand land we call home, you could have phrased your critique in a less aggressive manner. There is never room for personal attacks here!
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Follow Up By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 22:36

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 22:36
It's a sad day when Australians can't have a laugh once a week on a website that has a specific thread dedicated to laughter !!
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Follow Up By: Member - Blue M - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 23:18

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 23:18
My goodness gracious me, I never thought in my wildest dreams (and I do have a few) that what I put up as a joke would but classed as offensive to some.

I read the funnies every week and get a bit of a chuckle out of most of them.

Iza B, David M and RMD, I am sorry I have touched a sore point for you all.

Because of this, and because I can no longer tell the difference between what is, or could be classed as joke and a touchy/feely point for others, I shall never post a joke again, not that I did much anyway.

Cheers



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Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderers - Saturday, Jul 14, 2018 at 00:30

Saturday, Jul 14, 2018 at 00:30
I'm Irush, Ireesh, Iwish, Iwash, Irish and I use to make water tanks but it only lasted 2 weeks.
I put the over-flow at the bottom of the tank

Heavens to betsy, I've heard practically every Irish joke ever printed I even bought Irish Jokes # 3, book two to follow, still got it.

I haven't said one bad word to anybody on here when making fun of my ancestry, the above joke was aired at least 50 yrs ago, I can give you a copy if you like, this before domestic violence was an issue.

I remember my father kicking my mother whilst she laid on the kitchen floor, protecting us kids from his violent drunken behaviour, probably explains why I don't drink alcohol, it seems to turn ppl into horrible monsters.

Back in the 60's the coppers view, she probably deserved it, as they watched my father lay into her again after another drunken brawl outside the RSL, he use to scream, she's my wife and I can f'**** do what I like and the bloody coppers walked away saying this, I know all about domestic violence, but I heard the above joke using just another non-descript coloured person (white).

Since this is a 4WD site and we see the original owners of this land, all we doing is copying the same joke used by other countries racial violence, you can replace the same Aboriginal stereo type to an American Negress or a white Australian woman, unfortunately Blue ran with the Australian Aboriginal, if he used the American female Negro, I doubt he would get the same reception
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Follow Up By: Bob Y. - Qld - Saturday, Jul 14, 2018 at 07:56

Saturday, Jul 14, 2018 at 07:56
Blue,

As I write, there have been 1414 views of this week's Friday Funnies, so I wouldn't let 3 complaints deter you from posting further jokes, as rare as they may be.

Good on yer, Gazz!

Bob

Seen it all, Done it all.
Can't remember most of it.

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Follow Up By: Member - Bigfish - Saturday, Jul 14, 2018 at 17:52

Saturday, Jul 14, 2018 at 17:52
Sounds like we have some real political correctness police out there. I,ve spent 20+ years working in remote and very remote communities. Like any community there are issues. Most black fellas I know know how to laugh at themselves and others. There are jokes on here every week poking shite at all races, sex,s, ages, disabilities, vocations, intellect etc.... Stop ya bloody whinging and get on with life. Sick of goody two shoes shooting down other people because they were offended by a joke or comment that was not meant to be taken seriously. This the joke section....
13
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Follow Up By: Member - Outback Gazz - Saturday, Jul 14, 2018 at 18:07

Saturday, Jul 14, 2018 at 18:07
Couldn't agree more Bigfish !


You only need to read Geoff M's ( VIC ) joke titled


" Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense "

And as Geoff says - Interesting but sadly, rather true.



Happy, humorous, unoffended and safe travels


Gazz
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Follow Up By: Genny - Saturday, Jul 14, 2018 at 19:16

Saturday, Jul 14, 2018 at 19:16
Even the Rangas are starting to get sensitive.

At least we'll always be able to give it to those sheep-shaggers across the Tasman.

And so .....

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi:
"G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and
keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: (in a panic) " Don't believe a word he says, that sheep's a bloody liar.."

------------------------
To my horror, I then found these!

What do you call an Aussie who scores well in an IQ test?
A cheat.

What do you call an Aussie with half a brain?
Gifted.

If Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a room, and you tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it first?
The blonde - the other two don't exist

What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

What do you call a field full of Australians?
A vacant lot.

A man was on a flight from New Zealand to Australia. When he arrived at customs at Sydney Airport he was asked by the official "do you have a criminal record" to which the Kiwi replied "I didn't know you still needed one"!

Now that I've offended myself, I'll flounce off .............. :)
5
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Follow Up By: 76lifted - Saturday, Jul 14, 2018 at 22:13

Saturday, Jul 14, 2018 at 22:13
Sheesh some people need to chill out.

Cant anyone say anything without offending someone.

Cheers jed

2
FollowupID: 892511

Follow Up By: Baz - The Landy - Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 08:22

Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 08:22
Anyone that can find a joke about domestic violence funny is no better than the perpetrater's of domestic violence in my opinion - it has nothing to do about political correctness.

If you have a daughter, go and look her in the eye and tell her you find domestic violence funny...!

"The standard you walk past is the standard you accept. If you see it you own it, if you walk away you condone it..." And that is the reason I commented...

Baz - The Landy

“Those who don’t think
it can be done shouldn’t
bother the person doing it…”

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Follow Up By: Member - Bigfish - Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 09:04

Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 09:04
I suggest you stop looking at the funnies Landy. Huge majority of these funnies are posted on here with no intent to sensationalize, condone or support racism, bigotry, sexism, violence, inequality, discrimination, blah,blah,blah... Black humour is often used as a means of coping with everyday negativity which most of us have no control over. Please show us one poster who supports domestic violence, racism etc. I,ve been on this earth long enough and know political bullshite when I see it. By the way,...my wife and her daughter were victims of domestic and sexual violence from previous partner. Dont tell me how to act or how to think or tell me that I am as bad as a perpetrator.
Quote..."The standard you walk past is the standard you accept. If you see it you own it, if you walk away you condone it..." I,ve seen tonnes of crap in Aboriginal communities that I can do nothing about....just because I cannot do anything about it does not mean I condone it. Maybe you should try another mantra to live by...something that is realistic.
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FollowupID: 892513

Follow Up By: Michael H9 - Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 12:23

Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 12:23
I was looking at the Three Stooges on Youtube the other day and Moe hit Curley on the head with a hammer then poked him in the eyes. It was funny. My wife is a blonde, say no more about that. I'm on a Pommy car forum and they are adamant that Aussies are sheep shaggers, not Kiwis no matter how many times I tell them they're wrong. Just about all humour either denigrates someone, makes a fool of someone or causes someone pain, so get over it. Fair dinkum, the world as it stands is becoming the joke.
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FollowupID: 892516

Follow Up By: Member - Bigfish - Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 12:33

Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 12:33
Michael H9......Very hard to make the pommy soap dodgers listen to anything.
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FollowupID: 892517

Follow Up By: Alloy c/t - Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 17:40

Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 17:40
Did you here the one about the Pope ? Oops, cant tell that one [ might upset the Catholics ] ...Umm did you hear the one about 'little Johnny' and the cow ? Nah cant tell that one either [ might upset people called John or cows if in ear shot ] ..
Yes domestic violence is NOT a Joke , but as long as it is actually TALKED about
even as a joke it brings the problem to the fore , as it should be , we ALL know it is unacceptable .....vocalisation stops the 'hiding' [ double meaning intended ].....
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FollowupID: 892520

Follow Up By: ModSquad - Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 12:14

Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 12:14
A positive stance against domestic violence is well supported by other forum members, and as said above by Alloy, furthering the cause of pushing back against domestic violence is far better served by a spirited conversation on the subject and wide spread support for how unacceptable it is.
This is far better outcome than censoring or moderating a post.
Regards
The Squad
Moderation is just rules

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Follow Up By: Member Kerry W (WA) - Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 13:49

Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 13:49
Am I missing something here?
But how easy is it to get into trougle these days?
How often do we (older?) Australians get caught out, taking the mickey, having a laugh at ourselves or laughing instead of crying, because we are just that bit innocent or naive. Meaning no harm, but certainly making light of a bad situation.

Our larrikinism has been a national trait and certainly as a good hearted nation we have earned love and respect globally.

Its obvious people of late are more stressed and disconnected than ever.
Is it because we are "not sure" anymore if we should be laughing and playing or are we encouraged to cry more often?

I know this is a bit off track but it says something about political correctness, creating uncertanty, in good people, of what is appropriate and what is not!!

My Dad (who happened to be the best grandfather any kids could ask for) in his mid 80s was on a boring train trip a few years back in north Qld, had a couple of little girls running up and down the isle (same age as his 2 granddaughters) they were looking at him and trying to get his attention and he was sure they would like to talk to him. Afterwards he told me "You know those kids were so happy and playful but I thought I'd better not talk to them, in case people thought I was one of those strange men they talk about these days". This coming from a man fittingly described as "one of the last true gentlemen" and a WW2 veteran, made me quite sad.

Just my thoughts...








Kerry W (WA)
Evil flourishes when good men do nothing.
~Edmund Bourke

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Follow Up By: Member - David M (SA) - Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 15:46

Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 15:46
I was wondering how long it was going to take you to work out a way to handle this thread without offending anyone. Well done Mod's. :)
Dave.
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FollowupID: 892566

Follow Up By: Member - PhilD_NT - Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 16:30

Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 16:30
Now all we need to top this off is a thread on workplace practical jokes for replies about workplace bullying.
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Follow Up By: Aussie1 - Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 16:40

Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 16:40
Good to notice we have more of those who appreciate "Monty Python" humour that don't :) Good thing they can't stop us thinking what we like, heavens to bestsy, I would never see the light of day again. Yes, I know, I'm a bad bad person.
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FollowupID: 892568

Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderers - Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 18:59

Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 18:59
Workplace practical joke,

I was standing in the front row of the three lines of Gnr's, when the Sgt-Maj asked for a volunteer for 2 weeks of range sentry, unbeknown to me, everybody knew about it except me.

Without much adoo the whole three ranks took three steps back and left me standing there by myself.

I looked to the left, I looked to the right, NOTHING to see.

I'll get you bastards, you just wait

Thank you Gnr Magrath, said the Sgt-Maj.

There you have it, my workplace incident
2
FollowupID: 892575

Follow Up By: Member - PhilD_NT - Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 20:05

Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 20:05
Workplace practical jokes?

Should I have suggested this so long after Friday because it's likely to be a long list?

This ranges from Apprentices being sent to the storeman for long weights, left handed tools, buckets of compressed air, buckets of welding sparks and similar things. There's locked personal tool boxes being drilled for pumping full with expanding foam or grease. Not me for any of these though.

At one place I was sent to the takeaway place nearby for smoko orders that staff had written out. The older lady in the shop said that I would have to go to the Chemist for one part. I had no idea what she meant and went back to work and just said that whoever it was would have to go for it themselves. They had written Rendells Pessaries with the hope of embarrassing me. Didn't work.

In the 1st year as a Trainee we were in groups of 12 for classroom work. Signing on was with the old fashioned card showing time for arrival/departure. Our Instructor would use the cards to have one of us select 2 to sweep up at the end of the day. A card would last 2 weeks and every day in one period one person would be picked as one of the 2 and couldn't figure out his bad luck. New fortnight and new card and he still was 1 of the 2 selected every day. He knew something was up but still didn't find out. The Instructor had been covering up the names but it was as simple as someone has slightly clipped each corner of his card for the 1st fortnight. For the 2nd fortnight he had arrived so early on the 1st day and therefore the card machine marked the time in a different colour and it stood out. Don't think he ever caught on. Hell I'm old, that was 50 years ago this year.

I did once make up a bolt/nut setup that has a short length of rod welded part way in to the nut. When tightened up in a toolbox latch it looked like it had been welded up afterwards. Good for watching someone uselessly hacksawing the bolt off when it only needed a pair of spanners and a bit of elbow grease.
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FollowupID: 892577

Follow Up By: Member - David M (SA) - Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 20:27

Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 20:27
"I'm a bad bad person." That you are Aussie 1 therefore I fart in your general direction. :)
Dave.
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Follow Up By: Colcam42 - Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 23:42

Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 23:42
After all this, I think that the Irish Joke about changing the baby is the funniest I've read here for some time. Now I know what happened......
Thanks for the laugh, don't get too many at 75
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FollowupID: 892582

Follow Up By: Aussie1 - Wednesday, Jul 18, 2018 at 09:37

Wednesday, Jul 18, 2018 at 09:37
Yep, good one David :):):) Now we are getting into the "spirit".
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FollowupID: 892588

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 16:06

Friday, Jul 13, 2018 at 16:06
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all wanna be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said,
"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a side profile of his face!
You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde,
stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you ? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
Didn't you hear what I just told the last applicant?
This is side picture profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but....."
He flashed the photo for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual features about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did... This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooo!
With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 620142

Follow Up By: 76lifted - Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 17:44

Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 17:44
This is racist towards blondes and is making light of thier day to day struggles. ;)

Cheers jed
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FollowupID: 892521

Follow Up By: Member - ACD 1 - Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 19:02

Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 19:02
It can't be racist - blonde isn't a race...

...a disability maybe?

Cheers

Anthony
VKS 3539
Work - a 40 hour interuption to my weekend!
Too many places - too little time

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Follow Up By: 76lifted - Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 19:07

Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 19:07
Yeah thats true but neither is islam :)

Cheers jed
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FollowupID: 892529

Follow Up By: Member - ACD 1 - Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 19:36

Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 19:36
Sorry mate it was supposed to be a humorous comment - not antagonistic!

Cheers

Anthony

VKS 3539
Work - a 40 hour interuption to my weekend!
Too many places - too little time

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Follow Up By: 76lifted - Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 19:58

Sunday, Jul 15, 2018 at 19:58
Sorry mate just read the disability bit

Lmao !!!!!!

Cheers jed
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FollowupID: 892532

Reply By: Ron N - Monday, Jul 16, 2018 at 23:41

Monday, Jul 16, 2018 at 23:41
What we really need is some lawyer jokes. No-one gets upset or offended by them. [;-)



A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, any place, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? Which law firm do you work for?"



An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer.
"Mr. Peterson," she says. "Would you classify yourself as honest?"
"Honest?!" replies Peterson. "Let me tell you something about my honesty.
My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny, right after I held my first case."
"That's very impressive. And what was your first case?"
"It was when Dad sued me for the money".



The lawyer tells the accused, “In the latest developments, I have some good news, and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is - your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol level is 3.8.”



A lawyer calls his favourite client, a CEO of a huge multinational corporation.
"I have some good news, and some bad news for you".
The CEO says, "I've had a rotten day, give me the good news first".
The lawyers says, "The good news is, your wife has just invested $10,000 in 5 pictures that will eventually turn out to be worth $2,000,000!"
The CEO says, "That's great news! That's made my day! So, what's the bad news??"
The lawyer says, "The bad news is - the 5 pictures are of you, in bed with your secretary!"



What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.


Cheers, Ron.
AnswerID: 620200

Follow Up By: Member - PhilD_NT - Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 00:43

Tuesday, Jul 17, 2018 at 00:43
Then there's the joke many of them are having on us by calling themselves the Criminal Lawyers Association.
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FollowupID: 892558

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