Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Jul 20, 2018 at 09:18
ThreadID: 137006 Views:2794 Replies:10 FollowUps:2
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The Donald.....

Is this guy a 5 year old or what?

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Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Jul 20, 2018 at 09:27

Friday, Jul 20, 2018 at 09:27
Keep it to yourself...

I'd met a sweet man and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
Baked Beans.
Some months later, and as it happens on my birthday,
my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the
countryside. I had no choice but to call home and leave a message on
our machine to say that I would be late because I had to walk home. On
my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was
more than I could stand. With more than a mile still to walk, I
figured that I would walk off any ill effects of the Beans, so I
stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed a large
order of Baked Beans on Toast.
All the way home, I made and released gas.
Upon my arrival, my most concerned husband said how
sorry he was I'd walked such a long way but he said 'Darling I have a
surprise for dinner tonight!'
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the
dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my
blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the
blindfold until he returned and went to answer the phone.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me
and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was
out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight and let
one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck
running over a skunk. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air
around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off again
in total three more. The stink was bad like cooked cabbage!!!
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in
the other room, when eventually the telephone farewells signaled the
end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my
napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling
very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when
my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I
had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve
dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'
I fainted!!
AnswerID: 620238

Reply By: Member - Vaughn (QLD) - Friday, Jul 20, 2018 at 10:11

Friday, Jul 20, 2018 at 10:11
If you don't know where you'e going any road will get you there!

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AnswerID: 620240

Reply By: RMD - Friday, Jul 20, 2018 at 11:20

Friday, Jul 20, 2018 at 11:20
As instructed by Ron N last week!

Scientific researchers are not using laboratory Rats any more for experimentation and testing. Lawyers now feature as the subjects in the testing, because there is some things the Rats just won't do.
--- --- ---- --- ---

Lawyers are also used for testing because eventually some of the research staff begin to develop an emotional attachment to the Rats.
AnswerID: 620243

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jul 20, 2018 at 11:31

Friday, Jul 20, 2018 at 11:31
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.


The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel it may benefit!

Now, just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or Merlot...
AnswerID: 620245

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jul 20, 2018 at 11:34

Friday, Jul 20, 2018 at 11:34
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie says, 'I am very curious.Tell me more about this wall, mate.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Aussie sits down on his Esky, cracks a beer, rolls himself a cigarette, smiles and says:
'Fill it with water.'
AnswerID: 620246

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jul 20, 2018 at 12:32

Friday, Jul 20, 2018 at 12:32
AnswerID: 620248

Reply By: Greg A6 - Friday, Jul 20, 2018 at 13:41

Friday, Jul 20, 2018 at 13:41
AnswerID: 620253

Reply By: OBJ - Friday, Jul 20, 2018 at 14:12

Friday, Jul 20, 2018 at 14:12
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ and 'Then I saw her face'

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Red-heads, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Bankstown .

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years
AnswerID: 620255

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jul 20, 2018 at 21:09

Friday, Jul 20, 2018 at 21:09

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 620263

Reply By: OutBack Wanderers - Saturday, Jul 21, 2018 at 22:52

Saturday, Jul 21, 2018 at 22:52
Gee's I thought, didn't they read last weeks jokes, same-o same-o, and the first one off the rank, I was about to reply, didn't you read last weeks joke, we ALL read it the first time.

Started scrolling down and I thought, I've read all these last week, then noticed the date and sheeplishly clicked back, scrolled up and found Fridays funnies for this week

My wife keeps telling me, I'm losing it

I think I've gone past that stage, I've completely lost it.

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AnswerID: 620277

Follow Up By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Sunday, Jul 22, 2018 at 10:40

Sunday, Jul 22, 2018 at 10:40
And I Thought i was the only one.
Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Follow Up By: Member - Trevor_H - Monday, Jul 23, 2018 at 12:05

Monday, Jul 23, 2018 at 12:05
It is when you think they are all new that you have a problem you don't know about. Takes me a long time to read ALL the Fridays Funnies!
FollowupID: 892701

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