Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 08:57
ThreadID: 137074 Views:2408 Replies:10 FollowUps:1
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How To Stop Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the
town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.
(You gotta love Frank!)

bill
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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 08:58

Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 08:58
Lost and Found

As her bus pulled away, a woman realised she had left my purse under the seat. Later she called the depot and was relieved that the driver had found her bag.

When she went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded her.
One man handed her pocketbook to her, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of her purse.

"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

As she started to put her belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch.

Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse.
And we'd like to see just how you do it."

bill
AnswerID: 620466

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 10:55

Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 10:55


AnswerID: 620469

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 11:29

Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 11:29






AnswerID: 620470

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 12:55

Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 12:55
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde .

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
AnswerID: 620473

Reply By: bazz - Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 13:04

Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 13:04
The dead cow lecture

First-year students at the 'Purdue School of Veterinarian Medicine' were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting, etc.

When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

AnswerID: 620474

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 17:01

Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 17:01
Don't you just love people who hack away...

After a busy day I settled down in the train from Waterloo for a nap as far as my destination at Winchester, when the chap sitting near mehauled out his mobile and started up:

"Hi darling, it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30
not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozy from
the typing pool, with the boss..... no darling, you're the only one in
my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart." etc., etc.

This was still going on at Wimbledon, when the young woman opposite
him, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice -

"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!"
AnswerID: 620480

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 21:11

Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 21:11
Looking for a good job on the Murray River ??

Sally Mulligan of Paddington NSW decided to take one of the
jobs that most Australians are not willing to do.

Sally applied for a job in a lemon grove and seemed to be
far too qualified for the job.

She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Adelaide and had
worked as a social worker and a school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any
actual experience in picking lemons ??"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said. "I've been divorced three
times, owned two Jeeps, voted twice for Labor, and once for Clive Palmer.”

She starts in the morning.
--------------------------------------

Two old guys talking:
"My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV"
"Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"
"Yup. … Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
---------------------------------

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 21:11

Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 21:11
Need a beer holder for the shower get one here

https://bit.ly/2KWmSzX

Warning Mature content


Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Follow Up By: tim_c - Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 09:30

Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 09:30
If only it had beer in it...
0
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Reply By: OutBack Wanderers - Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 21:20

Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 21:20
I believe in circumcision, it's no skin off my nose.

Darling, am I the first man to make love to you?

You could be.............let me check my photo albums.

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 21:29

Friday, Aug 03, 2018 at 21:29











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