Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 06:05
ThreadID: 137101 Views:3060 Replies:9 FollowUps:12
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An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,

Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:

"Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 06:05

Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 06:05
A Drug Squad officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out a distant location.

The Drug Squad officer verbally exploded, saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...., on ANY land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?...... Do you understand???"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up and saw the Drug Squad officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's enormous Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that the officer would be gruesomely gored before he reached safety. The man was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge........ Show him your BADGE!!"
AnswerID: 620602

Follow Up By: Greg J1 - Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 13:18

Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 13:18
Give Malcom the badge. That’s the joke of the week!!!
1
FollowupID: 893089

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 07:10

Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 07:10





AnswerID: 620603

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 08:37

Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 08:37
I'm Coming...

Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it.
Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small miss.
Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed.
Every night my father asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?'
Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again,
keep dead quiet and don't answer".
The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and his eye is fine,
so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief, but the day after that Johnny
comes back with a severe black eye again.
"My goodness Johnny, why the black eye again?"
He tells her: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?...
and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother
started moving, you know at the same time, Mum was breathing erratically,
kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a demented hyena on the
bed"... Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you coming?'
Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?'
and my dad answered 'Yes'.

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me.!"
AnswerID: 620604

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 09:39

Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 09:39
The Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

bill
AnswerID: 620608

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 09:40

Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 09:40
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian,
WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?' The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, So I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong!

bill
AnswerID: 620609

Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 10:02

Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 10:02
AnswerID: 620611

Follow Up By: Gerard S - Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 10:42

Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 10:42
2
FollowupID: 893084

Reply By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 16:13

Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 16:13
MY WIFE WAS GOING THROUGH

HER WARDROBE, SHE SAID

“LOOK AT THIS, IT STILL FITS
ME AFTER 25 YEARS”

I SAID “IT’S A BLOODY SCARF!”
AnswerID: 620619

Reply By: Nomadic Navara - Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 17:30

Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 17:30
PeterD
Retired radio and electronics technician

Lifetime Member
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AnswerID: 620623

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 18:43

Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 18:43
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 620624

Follow Up By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 21:03

Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 21:03
Thats crazy Where was it .
Living like a millionaire on the pension

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0
FollowupID: 893094

Follow Up By: RobynR4 - Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 21:52

Friday, Aug 10, 2018 at 21:52
Ditto!!
What's the story behind that one?!
0
FollowupID: 893096

Follow Up By: Ozi M - Saturday, Aug 11, 2018 at 09:25

Saturday, Aug 11, 2018 at 09:25
Best yet !
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FollowupID: 893097

Follow Up By: batsy - Saturday, Aug 11, 2018 at 10:41

Saturday, Aug 11, 2018 at 10:41
I am not 100% sure of my information but I recall Hampton Transport/RTA bringing 5 double deck triples loaded with cattle out of a property in the top end of NT/WA in one operation to beat the wet. The sandy river bed was quite well known for bogging trucks. This was regarded as the best way to safely negotiate all units through the water course. Bob Young may have more accurate information coming from a background in the transport industry.
Cheers
Batsy
Every day vertical above ground is a bonus.

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Follow Up By: Nutta - Monday, Aug 13, 2018 at 18:50

Monday, Aug 13, 2018 at 18:50
that thing up front is a beast too!
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FollowupID: 893144

Follow Up By: Paul E6 - Monday, Aug 13, 2018 at 19:50

Monday, Aug 13, 2018 at 19:50
it may be the dodgy video or optical illusion, but are the wheels of the trucks not turning?
0
FollowupID: 893145

Follow Up By: Nutta - Monday, Aug 13, 2018 at 19:55

Monday, Aug 13, 2018 at 19:55
it was a bit grainy but id say its real, no reason not to be
0
FollowupID: 893147

Follow Up By: Bob Y. - Qld - Tuesday, Aug 14, 2018 at 10:18

Tuesday, Aug 14, 2018 at 10:18
Have seen this video before, probably on Facebook!

Nothing fake about it, though I'm not aware what River it is.

We did the same thing at Urandangie, in the early '80's, when a number of McIvers triples were caught at the 'Dangie Pub during a storm. It was too wet 'n greasy for them to get down to the Georgina River crossing, so we hooked the Cat D7 from Headingly Station onto the lead truck and stiff barred the rest of the trucks behind. Got off the ridge okay, but couldn't turn any corners, so ended up splitting them up again.

The main crossing became wet from trailers carrying water up the bank, so had to push most of them across the channel. Think we may have done this exercise on a couple of occasions, as I can remember pushing the trucks across the channels in the dark too.

That tractor in the video, a Steiger perhaps, would have had some serious grunt and handled the task easily.

Bob

Seen it all, Done it all.
Can't remember most of it.

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FollowupID: 893153

Follow Up By: Nutta - Tuesday, Aug 14, 2018 at 19:05

Tuesday, Aug 14, 2018 at 19:05
Sounds like bloody hard work!
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FollowupID: 893155

Follow Up By: Ron N - Monday, Aug 20, 2018 at 00:37

Monday, Aug 20, 2018 at 00:37
Geez, they're darned lucky the tractor didn't pull the front chassis crossmember out of the front Kenworth!! There's only a handful of rivets holding it in place!

Who recalls the new Brambles Mack getting the front end pulled out of it at Leinster, around 1991 or 1992?

The Mack was coupled to a 200 tonne platform float, and they loaded a huge excavator onto it.
To assist in loading the excavator, they dug a bit of a depression to lower the trailer as much as possible.

When it came time to pull out, the Mack ran out of traction trying to pull the loaded trailer out of the depression.
So some smart cookie decided to hook a D10 to the front of the Mack - using that handy pin in the centre of the front crossmember.

And someone else videoed it - pulling the entire front crossmember, radiator, grille, and guards, right off the rest of the truck!!

I don't know where the video ended up, but I think Channel 9 showed it at one stage.

Brambles management were not impressed, of course - the truck had only done about 5000kms.
But wrecked equipment was a weekly event with Brambles - they used to roll over a semi-tipper in Kalgoorlie, nearly every week, in those days.

Cheers, Ron.
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