Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 06:20
ThreadID: 137163 Views:2618 Replies:11 FollowUps:2
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Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 1, 2012

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 2, 2012

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 3, 2012

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: November 4, 2012

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 5, 2012

RE: The Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!!!

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: November 6, 2012

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!

Joan
Back Expand Un-Read 3 Moderator

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 06:21

Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 06:21
Daughter: "Daddy, I am coming home to get married. Take out your cheque book. Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia and he lives in the UK . We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessings good wishes and a big wedding."

Father: "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you are fed up with your husband....sell him on Ebay".
AnswerID: 620858

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 07:03

Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 07:03
AnswerID: 620859

Follow Up By: Member - John T (Tamworth NSW) - Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 07:29

Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 07:29
Geoff,
Surely I do ‘t Need to change the battery that often. LOL

Cheers
John T (Lifetime Member)
VKS-737 Mobile 2619
Selcall 2619
"Argue for your limitations and sure enough they're yours" - Richard Bach in "Illusions"

Lifetime Member
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7
FollowupID: 893306

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 09:37

Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 09:37
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Giuseppe in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Giuseppe?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an SMS to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Annabella, naked with Francesco Gasperi in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Giuseppe!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Annabella would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

" Giuseppe. I told you there must be a simple explanation!......she never got your SMS."

Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

Lifetime Member
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AnswerID: 620864

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 09:39

Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 09:39
The only cow in a village in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 roubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 roubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side. The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked,
"Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?
"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

Lifetime Member
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AnswerID: 620865

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 09:41

Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 09:41
This year's winner is:
"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day." - Adam Rowe

Runners up were:

"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse

"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel

"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt

"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan

"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh

"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse

"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff

"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman

"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx

Last year's winner was: "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change." - Ken Cheng
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

Lifetime Member
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AnswerID: 620866

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 09:43

Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 09:43
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom . . . and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

Lifetime Member
My Profile  My Blog  Send Message

AnswerID: 620867

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 10:56

Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 10:56
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a
mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask
over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love
all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a
raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I
opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we
had wild s*x all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings,
stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he
said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Not that any Forumites would even think of saying that......

bill
AnswerID: 620868

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 11:06

Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 11:06


bill
AnswerID: 620869

Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 18:08

Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 18:08
Some adult humour.
AnswerID: 620872

Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 18:37

Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 18:37
AnswerID: 620874

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 19:34

Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 19:34
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.
AnswerID: 620875

Follow Up By: nick g1 - Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 19:58

Friday, Aug 24, 2018 at 19:58
On that note
There's a new drug for lesbians
It's called
trycocksagain
2
FollowupID: 893320

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