Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Sep 07, 2018 at 06:09
ThreadID: 137208 Views:2652 Replies:8 FollowUps:2
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**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**

**This is Daddy.**

**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy..**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause, Daddy says,**

**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway..'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

Then Daddy says,

**'Swimming pool? ............**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

*No, I think you have the wrong number.........
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Sep 07, 2018 at 06:12

Friday, Sep 07, 2018 at 06:12
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
He plowed a lot_!

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump;

he began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on & on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, & then nod his head in agreement, but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute; then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, he asked him why he nodded his head & agreed with the women but always shook his head & disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked; or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement;'

'And what about the men_?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'
AnswerID: 621063

Reply By: MUZBRY- Life member(Vic) - Friday, Sep 07, 2018 at 07:57

Friday, Sep 07, 2018 at 07:57
A man went tothe doctor and after the examination the doctor said " I cant find anything wrong with you.. It must be the drink" The man said " Thats ok ill come back when you are sober"
Muzbry
Great place to be Mt Blue Rag 27/12/2012

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AnswerID: 621064

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Sep 07, 2018 at 09:04

Friday, Sep 07, 2018 at 09:04
Sex On Mars

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc..

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips... He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen...

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively lon g.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples re-join their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
AnswerID: 621065

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Sep 07, 2018 at 10:24

Friday, Sep 07, 2018 at 10:24











AnswerID: 621067

Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Sep 07, 2018 at 10:47

Friday, Sep 07, 2018 at 10:47
AnswerID: 621069

Reply By: OBJ - Friday, Sep 07, 2018 at 11:41

Friday, Sep 07, 2018 at 11:41
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman:
‘Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?’
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.’
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman’.
The barman says, ‘I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..’.
The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, ‘We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.’ The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, ‘Are you sure I will like it?’
The masses’ bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, ‘Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll
love it.’
‘Ok’, says the rabbit, ‘I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.’
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves….
..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, ‘Who are you?’, to which he is answered, ‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.’
The barman says, ‘I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.’
The rabbit says, ‘Yes I know.’
The barman said, ‘I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.’
The rabbit said, ‘Yes, you promised me that I would love it.’
The barman said, ‘You never came back, what happened?’
‘I DIED’, said the rabbit.
‘NO!’ said the barman. ‘What from?’
After a short pause. The rabbit said…
‘Mixin-me-toasties.’
AnswerID: 621070

Follow Up By: Mick O - Saturday, Sep 08, 2018 at 09:13

Saturday, Sep 08, 2018 at 09:13
That was truly worth waiting for. Good one Jack.
''We knew from the experience of well-known travelers that the
trip would doubtless be attended with much hardship.''
Richard Maurice - 1903

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Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Sep 07, 2018 at 18:24

Friday, Sep 07, 2018 at 18:24
The wedding ceremony came to the point where the Minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child.

She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor. The congregation was aghast as the pen dropped.

The Groom’s jaw dropped as he stared disbelievingly at the approaching young woman and child.

Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet in the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted.

The Best men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The Minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?”

There was absolute silence in the church.

The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back."

Dunc
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AnswerID: 621072

Reply By: OutBack Wanderers - Saturday, Sep 08, 2018 at 00:13

Saturday, Sep 08, 2018 at 00:13
Tonight I'm selling my budgerigar, going cheep

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AnswerID: 621079

Follow Up By: RMD - Saturday, Sep 08, 2018 at 08:27

Saturday, Sep 08, 2018 at 08:27
Nothing succeedes like a Budgie with no beak.
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FollowupID: 893601

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