Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 06:12
ThreadID: 137271 Views:2837 Replies:10 FollowUps:0
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy"

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Brian."
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 06:13

Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 06:13
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.

He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang

like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then.

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his widow."
AnswerID: 621318

Reply By: RMD - Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 07:34

Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 07:34
Reporter for the Uk Daily Mail Australia headlines about a shark attack in the Whitsundays.

“Woman bitten by shark on holiday”

Australians have been stunned to find out sharks actually go on holidays. They thought they bite anytime, day or night.
Perhaps a working shark, not on holidays, doesn’t bite. Researchers are trying to determine how to recognise those shark species on recreational bite duty and working sharks

Maybe the reporter has the credibility of a vegetarian shark!
AnswerID: 621319

Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 10:03

Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 10:03
This post has been read by the moderation team and has been moderated due to a breach of The Foul Language Rule .

Forum Moderation Team
AnswerID: 621321

Reply By: Ron N - Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 10:05

Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 10:05
DENTISTS .....

A man and his wife rushed into the dentist, and the husband asked if the dentist, if he would pull a tooth immediately, if they paid double the going rate.

"We've got a 'plane to catch in the next half-hour. We're running late. Don't worry about wasting time with all that anaesthetic preparation and crap, just rip it out!"

"Well", said the dentist, "You do realise that if I do that, it'll hurt like hell?"

"To hell with the pain", said the hubby, "Just rip the bloody thing out!"

"O.K.", said the dentist, "You certainly have some courage. I'll do it. Just show me which tooth it is".

The husband promptly turned to his wife and said, "Hop up into the chair, Myrtle, and show him which one it is!"




"Why are you screaming?", said the dentist. "I haven't even started drilling yet!"

"I know!", yelled the patient. "But you're standing on my feet!!"



The old farmer with an abiding fear of dentists, asked his neighbour what the new dentist was like, knowing he'd just paid him a visit.

"Well, let's put it this way", said the neighbour, "You remember last week, when I stepped on the rake, cracked myself in the head with the handle, fell over backwards, and landed on the rabbit trap?"

"Yep"

"Well, that was the first time, since I visited that new dentist, that the pain in my jaw didn't bother me!"

AnswerID: 621322

Reply By: Ron N - Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 10:10

Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 10:10
DOGS ......





CATS .......

AnswerID: 621323

Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 12:31

Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 12:31
AnswerID: 621325

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 15:56

Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 15:56
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses ?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think very irrationally ???

Ever wonder why ?

It's because she smells like a new Ute.
AnswerID: 621326

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 15:58

Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 15:58
THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....'
AnswerID: 621327

Reply By: aussiedingo (River Rina) - Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 16:34

Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 16:34
"the only thing constant in my life is change"




Member
My Profile  My Position  Send Message

AnswerID: 621328

Reply By: RMD - Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 21:25

Friday, Sep 21, 2018 at 21:25
New Road Rules (mobile phone use while driving)
TASMANIA. Their new rule states!

“The only time it is legal to touch a mobile phone when driving is if it is mounted within a vehicle and can be used without touching it”.

Apparently you can touch it but you can’t touch it. Please explain! Maybe if you have two heads you can dedicate one to the driving task and one to phone touching and usage. That would appear legal.
AnswerID: 621330

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