Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 07:34
ThreadID: 137385 Views:2470 Replies:11 FollowUps:2
New Wife !

One evening, after the honeymoon, Dick was working on his Harley in the garage.His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said...

"Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage.
You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment,
they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space.

And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it.
I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment, "

"And what's the use of that vintage hot rod?

Dick got a horrified look on his face.

She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"EX-WIFE?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Dick replied, "I wasn't..."
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Reply By: OBJ - Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 07:36

Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 07:36
Harley Davidson Closing Plant Due to Declining Sales
Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles.
However Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.
A recent study was done to find out why?
Here are some of the reasons why Millennials don't ride motorcycles:
1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
3. Can't use two hands to eat while driving.
4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.
6. Need to actually get out of your room.
7. Might need to converse with someone face to face.
8. Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.
9. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
10. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.
11. They are allergic to fresh air.
12. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
13. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
14. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.
15. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
16. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
17. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
18. Motorcycles don't have a seat built like a couch.
19. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
20. They would have to use leg muscle to use the side or centre stand.
21. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.
22. It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
23. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.
24. Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.
25. Have to pass a test for road rules, driver's license and suchlike. What's a test?
26. Have to go to the gas station to fill up and put air in the tyres plus do general maintenance. That sounds like exercise!
27. Unlike on a sceen game when you hit something you may actually die.
AnswerID: 621761

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 08:20

Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 08:20
I just watched a dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I thought to myself,
"Wow; dogs are easily entertained."
Then I realised, I just watched my dog chase its tail for ten minutes.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bill
AnswerID: 621763

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 08:20

Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 08:20
A Summer Romance ... between the sheets.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body... you sensed my indifference, so you applied your
hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........

Another mosquito !

bill
AnswerID: 621764

Reply By: Member - John and Val - Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 08:33

Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 08:33
Colin

Colin Knows Everyone

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them"...
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise"...? "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"...
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch"...

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else"... Colin says.. "President Trump"... His boss quickly retorts. "Yes"... Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington"... And off they go.

At the White House, Trump spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"...
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope"... His boss replies.
"Sure"... Says Colin. "My folks are from Argentina, and I've known the Pope a long time"... So off they fly to Rome...
Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope"... and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened"...?



His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the bloody hell is that on the balcony with Colin"...?
J and V
"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."
- Albert Einstein

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AnswerID: 621765

Reply By: Member - PhilD_NT - Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 09:42

Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 09:42
A Man marries a Woman and hopes she will never change. A Woman marries a Man with the intention of changing him.
AnswerID: 621767

Follow Up By: Erad - Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 12:12

Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 12:12
When a woman marries a man, she only has to remember 3 things for the wedding ceremony and ever after:
Aisle, Altar Hymn (I'll Alter Him)....
3
FollowupID: 894384

Follow Up By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 12:15

Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 12:15
The three rings of marriage
.
.
.
.
.
First there is the engagement ring
.
.
.
.
.
Second is the wedding ring
.
.
.
.
.
.
Then comes the suffering !!





4
FollowupID: 894385

Reply By: Member Kerry W (WA) - Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 10:32

Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 10:32
Earlier in the year 2018, the Lord came unto Noah, and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Tax department seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."
Kerry W (WA)
Security is mostly a superstition. It doesnt exist in nature. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.
-Helen Keller

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AnswerID: 621768

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 10:36

Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 10:36
Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.

He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said, "I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, "You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"

So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask.

"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30 years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

She was still feeling bloated from lunch, so she was fearful of farting in front of her date, who hadn’t arrived yet.

It wasn’t long before she actually did let one out, but she managed to cover up the sound with a fake cough.

She continued waiting for her date to arrive, but wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Certainly, madam. Which way was it headed?"

------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar.

He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck.

When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!

The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:

Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

"I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

"Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager.

"Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"

-----------------------------------------------

Two dogs

Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone's yard.

The driver says, "That is great. My wife and I do that every night."

The passenger replies, "My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.”

The driver says, "Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set."

The next morning they're cruising along and the driver asks, "How was it?"

The passenger answers, "It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks."

The driver looks at him funny and says, "Ten drinks?"

The passenger says, "Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!"

---------------------------------------------------

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.

"Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"Well you're 75 years old now, Jack, why don't you take my brother Scott along?" suggested his wife.

"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," his wife pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."


Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 621769

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 10:48

Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 10:48
st signs









Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 621770

Reply By: BobR4 - Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 10:54

Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 10:54
I've just heard that people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.
AnswerID: 621772

Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 17:31

Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 17:31
Can't remember exactly what I posted last week..apologies for any double ups.
AnswerID: 621773

Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 22:47

Friday, Oct 26, 2018 at 22:47
If you don't like any of these...you're entitled to be offended
AnswerID: 621776

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