Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 06:05
ThreadID: 137692 Views:2926 Replies:12 FollowUps:1
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'well pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

"God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 06:07

Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 06:07
The Genie

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle Box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.

Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing.

Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
AnswerID: 623266

Reply By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 07:59

Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 07:59
An Irish Story - The Cruel Sea ...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff,
Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.

"We're sorry, Mr O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear
wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O' Flynn asked.

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news,
some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear
first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we
found your poor wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up,
she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen
clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we
feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news,
then what's the really great news?"

The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
AnswerID: 623268

Reply By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 08:01

Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 08:01
The Yorkshire Dales - 'Three Kick Rule.' . . .
An English lawyer went duck hunting in The Dales. He shot and dropped
a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on
his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded,
"I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve
it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not
coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in
England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in Yorkshire. We settle small disagreements like this
with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I
get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three
times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed
work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing
from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third
kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very
slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his
jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part) The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the
duck."
AnswerID: 623269

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 10:24

Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 10:24
Amazing, simple home remedies:

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins.
Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

You need only two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
AnswerID: 623271

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 10:29

Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 10:29
AND WHO SAID WOMEN CAN'T FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS..................

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two
men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on
the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from
her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with
blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
AnswerID: 623272

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 10:31

Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 10:31


AnswerID: 623273

Follow Up By: Steve in Kakadu - Saturday, Jan 19, 2019 at 10:58

Saturday, Jan 19, 2019 at 10:58
Engineering flow chart, just to add.

If you cant fix it with a hammer, it is an electrical problem.
1
FollowupID: 896436

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 11:20

Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 11:20
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communicationsnetwork 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the
following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely, bugger-all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

Makes me feel bloody proud, to be an Australian!
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

Lifetime Member
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AnswerID: 623276

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 11:21

Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 11:21
A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthesia shot.
“No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaimed.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, “I can’t do the gas thing.
Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!”
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
“No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills”
So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.
“What are those?” he asked “Viagra,” she replied.
“I’ll be damned,” said the patient, “I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer”
“It doesn’t,” said the dentist, “But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out”
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

Lifetime Member
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AnswerID: 623277

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 12:54

Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 12:54













Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 623278

Reply By: RMD - Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 12:59

Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 12:59
Ode to the Spell Checker

Eye halve a spaling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It planely marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin know sea

Eye strike a key and tipe a word
And weight four it to say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me straight a weigh

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rare lea ever worng

Eya have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the way
My chequer tolled me sew.
AnswerID: 623279

Reply By: Ron N - Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 13:17

Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 13:17


AnswerID: 623280

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 18:57

Friday, Jan 18, 2019 at 18:57
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
"MEN NEVER LISTEN"
Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 623283

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