Friday funnies

Submitted: Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 00:10
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The Irish Mating Call

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................


You'll like this









NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 06:15

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 06:15
Some have asked what I've been doing in retirement.
Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house.
It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.
It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim. The City Council told me;
Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!
So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque."
Work starts on Monday. And here is the best part, it's going to be tax exempt!

I love this country. Its the government that scares me.
AnswerID: 623383

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 06:23

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 06:23
Since nearly everyone has an interest in education I thought this may explain the changes in teaching from the middle of last century through to the middle of this.

1. Teaching Maths In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ?
Yes or No

4. Teaching Maths In 1990s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2000s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).

6. Teaching Maths In 2050

100 . 80 .
AnswerID: 623385

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 06:25

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 06:25
The Parking Inspector

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a parking inspectors funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too bloody late pal, I've already done the paperwork!"
AnswerID: 623386

Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 06:30

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 06:30
This post has been read by the moderation team and has been moderated due to a breach of The Inappropriate Rule .

Forum Moderation Team
AnswerID: 623387

Reply By: Member - DickyBeach - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 06:42

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 06:42
Go to Google and search on ASKEW
AnswerID: 623388

Follow Up By: Nomadic Navara - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 06:54

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 06:54
Warning, you must use Google, other search engines such as DuckDuckGo do not produce the same results.
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Follow Up By: Nomadic Navara - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 09:02

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 09:02
When you have done the search on ASKEW, use that page to search for it again. You can get all wonderful results if you keep going.
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Follow Up By: Gbc.. - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 09:29

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 09:29
Nice one google.

Does the old “find chuck Norris” search still work?
0
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Follow Up By: Member - DickyBeach - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 10:24

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 10:24
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Your search - Chuck Norris - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:

Run, before he finds you.
Try a different person.
Try someone less dangerous.
1
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Reply By: Member - DickyBeach - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 06:42

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 06:42
Mr and Mrs Smith and Mr and Mrs Ball were sitting by the pool.
Splash; little Jimmy fell in.
They all rushed to help.
Fortunately for him, Jimmy was pulled out by the Smiths.
AnswerID: 623389

Reply By: Member - DickyBeach - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 06:43

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 06:43
Police Officer: Now then, your Royal Highness, explain how the accident happened.
Prince Philip: Well, I drove out of the gates and swerved to avoid a pheasant.
Police Officer: You mean you swerved to avoid a peasant.
Prince Philip: Don't be stupid man. Why on earth would I swerve to avoid a peasant?
AnswerID: 623390

Reply By: Member - DickyBeach - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 06:44

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 06:44
AnswerID: 623391

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 08:32

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 08:32
A good Bloke.....:


The Missus and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said.

Being the good Aussie bloke that I am, I thought :

"Bugger it, I'll give her a treat !"

So we walked past it again!


bill
AnswerID: 623393

Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 13:17

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 13:17
True Scottish Blood.
1
FollowupID: 896585

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 08:33

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 08:33
The Yellow Toad

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda ticked off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier
if he were green like the other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy
godmother.

He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says,
"Toadra-capokus! You're green!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute!
My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he also encounters the very same fairy godmother. He
implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like all the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account
that the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says:"Bearus-cadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries. They remain purple. He says:
"My Wang is still purple!" She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... Just follow the Yellowdick Toad"

bill
AnswerID: 623394

Follow Up By: BobR4 - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 10:20

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 10:20
This site needs a GROAN button??
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FollowupID: 896582

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 09:45

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 09:45
This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last

letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One

night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the

letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. "Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way, mon, I

work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.'"

------------------------------------------

Bug flew into a barn

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug

flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Eat the watermelons

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS

CONTAINS CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads:

"NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

--------------------------------------------------------------

I flattened your cat

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and*splat*...

he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the

housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know

this might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."
"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?"
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like this"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like*before* you hit him?"
At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed"Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"

---------------------------------------------------------------

Pig misunderstanding

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated

that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

---------------------------------------------------------------

And God created woman.
She had two arms, two legs and three breasts.
And it was good.

And God asked woman what she would like changed about herself.
And she asked for her middle breast to be removed.
And it was good.

She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob...

And God created man.
Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Follow Up By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 19:57

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 19:57
custom made slippers
very clever



Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 13:04

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 13:04
AFTERNOON QUICKIE

The only way to get away with an afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment, was to send him out on the balcony with an ice cream and tell them about the goings on in the neighborhood.

“There is a car being towed out of the parking lot” he shouted.

He began his commentary and his parents put their plan into action.

“An ambulance just drove by” “The Anderson's have some visitors”
“Matt's riding a new bike”. “Looks like the Sanders are moving”. “Jason is on his skate board”.
After few minutes silence he called out

“The Coopers are having sex”.

Startled, his mother and father shot up in bed and the father tentatively asked, ”How do you know the Coopers are having sex?”.

“Cos Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony having an ice cream”.
AnswerID: 623397

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 13:09

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 13:09
Dunc
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Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderer - Sunday, Jan 27, 2019 at 00:57

Sunday, Jan 27, 2019 at 00:57
How many thumbs up?

5, yep, that many times, very clever

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Reply By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 13:16

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 13:16
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Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 15:43

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 15:43
Subject: Home schooling
Most of our generation of 60+ wereHOME SCHOOLED in many ways



1 My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."



2 My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."



3 My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"



4 My father taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."



5 My mother taught me MORE LOGIC

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."



6 My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."



7 My father taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."



8 My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."



9 My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"



10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."



11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."



12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"



13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."



14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"



15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."



16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."



17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"



18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."



19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"



20. My father taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."



21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."



22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."



23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"



24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.



25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"



This should only be sent to the over 60 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents..
Dunc
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Follow Up By: Shaker - Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 16:05

Friday, Jan 25, 2019 at 16:05
If they did believe it, they would wonder why why we didn’t spend our lives in therapy & counseling.

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