Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 00:03
ThreadID: 137749 Views:3348 Replies:15 FollowUps:16
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Embarrassing Robbery!!

A thief entered a house in mid-afternoon.

He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the
jewellery and money.

The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want.
You can kill me also.

But please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”

Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
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Reply By: Nomadic Navara - Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 00:06

Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 00:06
Pontiac Advert Circa 1950's...there was truth in Advertising in that era...!

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AnswerID: 623566

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 06:10

Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 06:10
A BIBLICAL STORY

A woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says;
"Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She then hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the police."

Adam ate the apple, too.

Men will never learn.
AnswerID: 623567

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 06:12

Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 06:12
World Survey

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
AnswerID: 623568

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 06:13

Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 06:13
Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.

He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared. .

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie

"As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." .

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.

"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life forme?" the Prince asked. .

The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.

"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.

Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.

"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo.

"But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo.

"You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,

"Let's have another look at the dog."
AnswerID: 623569

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 08:32

Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 08:32
Sack

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every now and then, a $50
bill fell out onto the footpath.

Noticing this, a cop stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $50 bills falling Out of that bag."

"Oh, rats! Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my yard is right next to the baseball stadium parking lot.

On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a hole in the fence, right into my garden.

It used to really annoy me and kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the most of it?'

So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my shears.

Every time some guy sticks his dingus through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $50, or I cut off your
johnson!"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays"

bill
AnswerID: 623570

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 08:33

Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 08:33
A young city bloke inherited a cattle station. On taking up residence he soon discovered that cattle were being stolen in considerable numbers, and it was obvious that the cattle duffer was his neighbour.

He discussed the matter with another local who said, “Be careful. He’s a tough bastard and he is likely to shoot you if you accuse him of pinching your steers.”


The young bloke had a good think and sent off a letter. The letter ended with the sentence, “I would appreciate it if you would refrain from leaving your hot branding iron lying around where my foolish cattle can sit on it.”

bill
AnswerID: 623571

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 08:42

Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 08:42


bill
AnswerID: 623572

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 08:44

Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 08:44
How can anyone NOT want grandchildren?















bill
AnswerID: 623573

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 08:49

Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 08:49
"I can't handle it any more," I said to the doctor. "It's been five years since the accident and my wife still won't have sex with me. She's cold and indifferent and, no matter what I try, she just says she's too tired and goes to sleep. What should I do?"
"Well," said the doctor." The first thing you could try is to stop referring to your son as 'the accident'".....lol
Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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Reply By: OBJ - Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 08:51

Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 08:51
AnswerID: 623575

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 10:12

Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 10:12
Farm Life
A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? " he asks.
Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, " You gonna tell him or should I ?
AnswerID: 623577

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 10:26

Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 10:26












Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 12:40

Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 12:40
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lions' cage
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.

An ABC reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter, addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars.
I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replied, 'I'm an SAS soldier just returned from Afghanistan and a Liberal party supporter.'
The ABC journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

‘SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.’
That pretty much sums up the ABCs media's approach to the news these days.
AnswerID: 623580

Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 15:07

Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 15:07
That above is Reality.
Twisters in America happen to be tornado events, in Australia the events are everyday and very dangerous promoting communism, the twisters here are the ABC. The parents and grandparents of staff in the ABC fought in wars to keep communism/socialism out of the country. ABC invites it in, actively promotes it. I wonder how proud the parent and grandparents are of the precious journalists constantly working against our country.
The Sense has left them, the only thing left is LEFT.
Sorry, not a Friday Funny but a Friday Serious.
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Follow Up By: Member - johnat - Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 19:19

Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 19:19
Cannot help but ask how the ABC journalist's story ended up in the paper.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 22:15

Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 22:15
Jonat
That is an easy one, Poetic licence is all it takes.
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Follow Up By: Nomadic Navara - Saturday, Feb 02, 2019 at 09:08

Saturday, Feb 02, 2019 at 09:08
"Cannot help but ask how the ABC journalist's story ended up in the paper."

Simple, someone with fascist leanings who is antagonistic towards the ABC changed the subject of the non joke from someone else to "an ABC journalist."
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Follow Up By: OBJ - Sunday, Feb 03, 2019 at 20:47

Sunday, Feb 03, 2019 at 20:47
I thought this was the Friday Funnies.
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Follow Up By: jbhorne@bigpond.com - Sunday, Feb 03, 2019 at 23:10

Sunday, Feb 03, 2019 at 23:10
I don’t know why I read the follow ups as usually only moronic comments
By people who have no sense of humour,wish they would stop reading this page
Jeff
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Follow Up By: Member - johnat - Monday, Feb 04, 2019 at 19:58

Monday, Feb 04, 2019 at 19:58
Hey, Jeff ... feel free not to read them then. Nobody forces you to.
As for moronic comments ... Ha Ha! Pot, kettle!
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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Follow Up By: Member - Outback Gazz - Monday, Feb 04, 2019 at 20:32

Monday, Feb 04, 2019 at 20:32
It is now MONDAY !!!!!!!
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Follow Up By: Bob Y. - Qld - Tuesday, Feb 05, 2019 at 00:43

Tuesday, Feb 05, 2019 at 00:43
Would that be Moronic Monday perhaps, Gazz?

Bob

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Can't remember most of it.

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Follow Up By: Glenn C5 - Tuesday, Feb 05, 2019 at 10:29

Tuesday, Feb 05, 2019 at 10:29
HA HA. I'm laughing my arse off at you lot. Best funnies ever.
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Follow Up By: Member - johnat - Tuesday, Feb 05, 2019 at 19:09

Tuesday, Feb 05, 2019 at 19:09
Nothing slow about Gazz, is there! He's well on top of the whole calendar thing!
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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Follow Up By: Member - Outback Gazz - Tuesday, Feb 05, 2019 at 19:20

Tuesday, Feb 05, 2019 at 19:20
Hey johnat

I'm sure you understand that my comment / reply was about some pedantic's on this forum still carrying on about trivial poo posted three days earlier in a section called " friday funnies "

I wish my biggest problem in life was how some made up story supposedly got posted by an ABC journalist !!!

Cheers

Gazz
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Follow Up By: jbhorne@bigpond.com - Tuesday, Feb 05, 2019 at 19:28

Tuesday, Feb 05, 2019 at 19:28
Gazz
Apparently someone needs to get a life ,nothing better to do.
Jeff
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Follow Up By: Member - johnat - Tuesday, Feb 05, 2019 at 19:36

Tuesday, Feb 05, 2019 at 19:36
Too true, Jeff - need a mirror to find him? ;)

Or do you need a humour transplant?
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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Follow Up By: jbhorne@bigpond.com - Tuesday, Feb 05, 2019 at 19:49

Tuesday, Feb 05, 2019 at 19:49
Not going to bite.
Jeff
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Follow Up By: Nomadic Navara - Tuesday, Feb 05, 2019 at 20:37

Tuesday, Feb 05, 2019 at 20:37
This happens frequently when these right wingers post something that is more of a political statement than a joke.
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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 12:41

Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 12:41
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, then graduate and medical degrees in his home town, and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.
As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted stentoriously. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberating down the hall!
He was appallingly embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Brown and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Brown?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but a very embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I'll bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?
AnswerID: 623581

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 16:49

Friday, Feb 01, 2019 at 16:49
THE CLOCK!
A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter.
"The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill Shorten’s clock?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied, up there, "We're using it as a ceiling fan.
Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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