Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 08:58
ThreadID: 137812 Views:2468 Replies:12 FollowUps:0
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bill
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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 08:59

Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 08:59








bill
AnswerID: 623858

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 10:33

Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 10:33
Subject: Olympic Balls Ups...

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the
Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her
snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in
boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like
it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC
president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got
eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,
before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . .
Oh my God, what have I just said?"
AnswerID: 623859

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 10:39

Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 10:39
Church Ladies With Computers....

They're Back!
Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with computers.
These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

--------------------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:"I Upped my Faith, up yours"

Dunc
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Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 10:40

Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 10:40
You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.

Procter & Gamble had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty Crest toothpaste boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution – on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang.”


Dunc
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AnswerID: 623861

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 10:40

Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 10:40
Aphorism
is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner .

? I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.
Not to cause any trouble....but shouldn't that be an even number?


? I find it ironic that the colours red, white and blue stand for freedom,
until they are flashing behind you.


? When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.


? Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?


? America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote.


? You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.


? My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that!


? I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.


? Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.


? You're not fat, you're just easier to see.


? If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.


? I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.
Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"


? The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.


Now, don’t you feel better knowing what an aphorism is?
Dunc
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Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 10:42

Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 10:42
Some doctor on TV this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is
to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a
bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot
Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a
chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now.

Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss.
An telum,u blody luvum.!!
Dunc
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AnswerID: 623863

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 13:06

Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 13:06
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess"

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


At the regular Sunday morning service, the Minister announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.


Fred, who owns several car dealerships in Boston and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the minister stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.


John a successful businessman and lawyer, stands up and says, "If the minister will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!”.


More sighs and loud applause.


Sally, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the minister stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence.


The Minister, blushing, asks her: "Sally, you're a wonderful and holy lady Whatever possessed you to say that?"


Sally's 90-year old husband, Paul, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and Paul said: “Screw him!"
Dunc
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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 14:33

Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 14:33
Seven reasons not to mess with children………….

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
AnswerID: 623866

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 14:35

Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 14:35
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
AnswerID: 623867

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 14:37

Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 14:37
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days.
He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying,
"Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.
The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day.
Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'
Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.

Court is adjourned..."
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
AnswerID: 623868

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 14:38

Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 14:38
AnswerID: 623869

Reply By: ExplorOz Team - Michelle - Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 15:12

Friday, Feb 15, 2019 at 15:12
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies,
two in the front seat and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ..the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189.."
Michelle Martin
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