Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 06:15
ThreadID: 137845 Views:2634 Replies:11 FollowUps:2
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Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Bozeman , Montana , awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show.. And the third is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East, newly arrived at Montana State University ...

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes..

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks. "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'".
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 06:23

Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 06:23
Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed around.

Since they get the chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect all the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origen and cashed in.

This is done by the Chip Monks.
AnswerID: 624017

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 06:23

Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 06:23
The Adjutant

In the great days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an outpost in Africa to relieve the retiring Colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches without crusts, etc) that protocol decreed, the retiring Colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, hes my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this Regiment. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hump-backed, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of ..."

Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your personnel file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to farck off."
AnswerID: 624018

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 09:43

Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 09:43








bill
AnswerID: 624023

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 09:45

Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 09:45
The Agony of Aging.......
On the morning that Daylight Saving Time ended I stopped in to visit my
ageing friend.
He was busy covering his Willie with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You dumb old bugger! - You're supposed to turn your clock
back!

bill
AnswerID: 624024

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 09:47

Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 09:47
I want to go to the other guy's funeral!!

A Cardiologist's Funeral:

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart.... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the
eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then
closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own
funeral... I'm a Gynaecologist!'

The priest fainted!

bill
AnswerID: 624025

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 11:28

Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 11:28
A cocky suckin on a bundy on a hills hoist.
Now thats Australia for ya








Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 624028

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 11:29

Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 11:29
Aboriginal Tracker Somewhere between Karratha and Onslow

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.

On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian

Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous!

Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in

the middle of the road, an Aborigine.. He had one ear pressed to the white line

whilst his left leg was held high in the air! The tour stopped and the guide and

the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide,"what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Baliant Ute.

It's a red one… the left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack, and him got

bloody dents in ebery panel. There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.

There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

"God man, that is amazing. How do you know all that?," asked one.

The Aborigine replied......... "I fell out off the thing about half an hour ago!"
Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: Ron N - Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 12:32

Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 12:32
Malcolm M's joke about the Las Vegas Churches, led me to remember this one ....


A monastery in the English countryside has fallen on hard times, and the monks decide to open a restaurant selling only fish and chips, to raise their income level.

A visitor to the monastery comes across two monks working in the monastery kitchen, in preparation for the restaurant’s grand opening.

The first monk is preparing the fish, the second one is peeling and slicing the potatoes.

“Aren't you guys supposed to be in the Church, carrying out religious devotions?” asks the visitor.

“No, not us”, says one monk - “Because I am the Fish Friar, and he is the Chip Monk.”


AnswerID: 624030

Reply By: ExplorOz Team - Michelle - Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 13:39

Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 13:39
For today's Dads -
Michelle Martin
Customer Support - ExplorOz & ExplorOz Traveller

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AnswerID: 624032

Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 16:40

Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 16:40
When I met my missus 32 years ago she was a nymphomaniac.

Now after 30 years of marriage the "nympho" part has gone

but the " maniac " part is still here !!!
AnswerID: 624035

Follow Up By: batsy - Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 19:23

Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 19:23
Wow you like to live dangerously.
Cheers
Every day vertical above ground is a bonus.

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Follow Up By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 20:15

Friday, Feb 22, 2019 at 20:15
All good batsy

I love her from the heart of my bottom, sorry I mean from the bottom of my heart !

Not only that - she has a heart of gold - trouble is it's still ticking lol


Sad and true part is I just love the outback, the bush, the remoteness, camping etc etc but her idea of roughing it is a motel with no room service !!

Many of our holidays are spent apart but we still do the joint thing regularly where she can get the " Princess " treatment !

Works well for us and in fact we are heading OS next week to one of her favourite destinations !! So all is good


Cheers and beers

Gazz
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