Friday funnies

Submitted: Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 02:13
ThreadID: 137879 Views:2785 Replies:9 FollowUps:2
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1. My goal for 2019 was to lose just 2 kilo's. Only 3 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. November 6, 2019 will be the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 2 kilo's on Saturday night.
15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.


Have a great day Bushy.
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 06:22

Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 06:22
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.

They had to use an Out-house, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The Out-house was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that out-house into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the Out-house into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing.

Finally, The Outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the Outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son," ? The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's Father wasn't in that cherry tree."
AnswerID: 624120

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 06:27

Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 06:27
The Maori Clock

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

A talking Australian clock...seriously?

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

"F***in Hell, It's ten past three in the morning !!!'
AnswerID: 624121

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 08:59

Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 08:59
Advice

Someone once asked me, "what is your job?"

I replied, "I am my wife's s*xual adviser."

Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by
that?"

"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my f****** advice,
she'll ask me for it."

bill
AnswerID: 624124

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 09:00

Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 09:00
Kitty Kat!:

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.

"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed.
"Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband.
He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted
lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food.
With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food,
stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in
horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage!
You can make this for me any day."

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband
the same dish.

She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're
going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the
clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding
him cat food every week would do him in!
How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him.

He fell off the window sill while he was licking his balls!"

bill
AnswerID: 624125

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 09:01

Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 09:01
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.


Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it
too.

10) You are probably going to send this on to see who else falls for it.

"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."

bill
AnswerID: 624126

Reply By: Member - John and Val - Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 09:57

Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 09:57
J and V
"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."
- Albert Einstein

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AnswerID: 624127

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 10:05

Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 10:05
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”

The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”
AnswerID: 624129

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 11:17

Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 11:17
What can a man do with three naked women?







bill
AnswerID: 624131

Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 12:41

Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 12:41
What is his name, is it Tiger?
0
FollowupID: 897543

Follow Up By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 13:49

Friday, Mar 01, 2019 at 13:49
Just a Pussy Cat
0
FollowupID: 897544

Reply By: The Explorer - Saturday, Mar 02, 2019 at 11:05

Saturday, Mar 02, 2019 at 11:05
A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
To penetrate this great unknown it would be necessary to first pass over the inhospitable regions described by Wells, Forrest & Giles - Carnegie 1896

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AnswerID: 624136

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