Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Mar 22, 2019 at 11:20
ThreadID: 138006 Views:2073 Replies:6 FollowUps:2
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Reply By: Member - PhilD_NT - Friday, Mar 22, 2019 at 12:36

Friday, Mar 22, 2019 at 12:36
Who remembers Telephonists coming across the line and saying "6 minutes, are you extending". Or occasionally slipping in "6 inches, are you extending".
AnswerID: 624555

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 22, 2019 at 13:01

Friday, Mar 22, 2019 at 13:01
Catholic Hairdryer

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.
However, instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK
to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those Teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.....

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside
her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?
Hide it under your Robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have
to Declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please

Watch your comments.......

bill
AnswerID: 624558

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 22, 2019 at 13:01

Friday, Mar 22, 2019 at 13:01
Subject: Useless Facts

There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S that there are real ones.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for
Blood Plasma.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark
attacks. (So, watch your ass)

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell
you? That women are going the 'right' direction?

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. [rubbish!]

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the
morning.

3.9% of all women do not wear underwear.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are 50 years of age or
older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Oh go ahead... the rest of these can wait...

Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!

On average, Americans eat 18 acres of pizza everyday.

The 3 most valuable brand names on earth (in order):

Marlboro, Coca Cola and Budweiser

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.

Walt Disney was afraid of... MICE!

PEARLS DISSOLVE IN VINEGAR!?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

bill
AnswerID: 624559

Follow Up By: Ron N - Friday, Mar 22, 2019 at 18:12

Friday, Mar 22, 2019 at 18:12
Please, Bill - I'd like the job of checking the percentage of underwear wearers! [;-)


Cheers, Ron.
0
FollowupID: 898074

Follow Up By: nickb - Friday, Mar 22, 2019 at 18:44

Friday, Mar 22, 2019 at 18:44
Hahaha!!! In theory good in practice not so. Put it this way, not many people spend much effort on personal hygiene, according to my nurse wife....

Nowadays you might find out too late that they aren’t female!!!!!!!!!!
1
FollowupID: 898075

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Mar 22, 2019 at 14:00

Friday, Mar 22, 2019 at 14:00
Was out walking with the wife and she stopped and said to me;

"You weren't even listening were you?"

I thought to myself - "that's a weird way to start a conversation".
AnswerID: 624562

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Mar 22, 2019 at 15:10

Friday, Mar 22, 2019 at 15:10
Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai.
After a year, only three Samurai applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly.
He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
"What a feat!" said the Emperor.

"Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly.
He drew his samurai sword and Swish! Swish! he fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor.

"How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

The Jewish samurai, 'Obi-wan Cohen', stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and Swoooooosh! flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room.
But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead," replied the Jewish Samurai !! "Dead is easy. but, circumcision...??"
AnswerID: 624563

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Mar 22, 2019 at 15:13

Friday, Mar 22, 2019 at 15:13
Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime – fishing.
I bought my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day down at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner, who it turned out, loves fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.
As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that I spend too much time out on the lake.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful fish you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught its twin brother!
So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice fish that we caught and showed the picture to my wife, hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby, or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,
Jack

P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two fish we caught.
AnswerID: 624564

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