O.M.G. - I’ve missed Friday

Submitted: Friday, Mar 29, 2019 at 09:33
ThreadID: 138076 Views:2642 Replies:5 FollowUps:10
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O.M.G. - it has finally happened. Someone stole Friday Funnies.

I knew they were popular, but I wouldn’t have thought someone would steal them.

Please bring them back - I can’t start my weekend until you do!

Cheers

Anthony
VKS 3539
Work - a 40 hour interuption to my weekend!
Too many places - too little time

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Mar 29, 2019 at 10:33

Friday, Mar 29, 2019 at 10:33
Will this do!

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won,

so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again,

so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari

you guessed it, her share of the lotto winnings.

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm

bath while she gets undressed.

When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely

enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we"


----------------------------------------------------------

Me: I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, ‘What’s the Wi-Fi password?’

Bartender: 'You need to buy a drink first.'

Me: 'Okay, I’ll have a beer.'

Bartender: 'We have Molson’s Canadian on tap.'

Me: 'Sure. How much is that?'

Bartender: '$8.00.'

Me: 'Here you are. OK now, what’s the Wi-Fi password?'

Bartender: ' "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst”; No spaces and all lowercase.'

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 624683

Follow Up By: Member - ACD 1 - Friday, Mar 29, 2019 at 10:37

Friday, Mar 29, 2019 at 10:37
Thanks Bill

My face feels kinda funny and my mouth is twitching - I think I’m about to smile.

The weekend is looking up!

Cheers

Anthony
VKS 3539
Work - a 40 hour interuption to my weekend!
Too many places - too little time

Member
My Profile  My Position  Send Message

2
FollowupID: 898170

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Mar 29, 2019 at 10:38

Friday, Mar 29, 2019 at 10:38










Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 624684

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 29, 2019 at 13:03

Friday, Mar 29, 2019 at 13:03
Not last year or this year either but.....

Darwin Awards:

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without
further ado, here are the latest
Darwin Awards:

Eighth Place:

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet
of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place:

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily
run.

Sixth Place:

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for
protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the
bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on
the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not
reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to
free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place:

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the
ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the
long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed
into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place:

Sylvester Briddell, 26, was killed as he won a bet with
friends, who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into
his mouth, and pull the trigger.

Third Place:

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the
front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the
store. The shop was full of customers, and a uniformed officer was standing
at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a
hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several
customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at
the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot
wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else
was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION:

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving
around at 2 A.M., so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the
window, to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the
window was closed.

AND THE WINNER IS....

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one
of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge
in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had
brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end
around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted
40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He
miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two
nearby fishermen.
Bingham's foot was never located.

bill
AnswerID: 624687

Follow Up By: tim_c - Friday, Mar 29, 2019 at 13:39

Friday, Mar 29, 2019 at 13:39
Re: Third Place
47 expended cartridges and only 23 gunshot wounds ... so, less than half of the shots fired actually hit their mark. It's incredible that no one else was injured!
1
FollowupID: 898176

Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Mar 29, 2019 at 14:33

Friday, Mar 29, 2019 at 14:33
They might have had a total of 24 blanks in some chambers/magazines to scare attackers and the real ones came later, still a cartridge but no projectile.
0
FollowupID: 898178

Follow Up By: Glenn C5 - Friday, Mar 29, 2019 at 15:22

Friday, Mar 29, 2019 at 15:22
Maybe 2 bullets going in the same hole ??
0
FollowupID: 898179

Follow Up By: Ron N - Sunday, Mar 31, 2019 at 00:01

Sunday, Mar 31, 2019 at 00:01
Surprisingly, most of the reports of the idiotic "Darwin Award" deaths are true - but very old.

But the gunshop robber story is well and truly exaggerated, in line with most emailed jokes.

The robber was only shot by the police officer and one of the shop employees.
The police officer fired his 9mm semi-automatic pistol, the shop clerk fired a 10mm Auto pistol.
The robber fired a .38 calibre semi-automatic pistol - but he fired rounds into ammunition stored on the counter, causing that ammunition to explode - thus creating the report that 7 different calibre slugs were found in the shop.

The robber was only hit 4 times, 3 times in the chest, and once in the arm.
No customer fired their weapons, even though it appears some drew their weapons.

Stupid gunshop robber

2006 Darwin Awards - Snopes

Cheers, Ron.
0
FollowupID: 898202

Follow Up By: jbhorne@bigpond.com - Sunday, Mar 31, 2019 at 09:31

Sunday, Mar 31, 2019 at 09:31
What does it matter if true or not.
It is in the jokes section ,you and others are the reason no one
can be bothered posting a joke these days.
Go somewhere else don’t bother reading the jokes,
Let people enjoy them for what they are..
Jeff
0
FollowupID: 898204

Follow Up By: Steve in Kakadu - Sunday, Mar 31, 2019 at 15:29

Sunday, Mar 31, 2019 at 15:29
Gee Jeff

You are well balanced, you have a chip on both shoulders.
6
FollowupID: 898209

Follow Up By: tim_c - Sunday, Mar 31, 2019 at 17:12

Sunday, Mar 31, 2019 at 17:12
Thanks Bill & Ron, I enjoyed the joke, and it's interesting to hear what is said to have actually happened
For me, the thought of bring anywhere near a crazy gunman while another gunman is trying to defend himself from the former is quite unnerving, particularly if there is a lot of ammunition flying around not administering justice.
1
FollowupID: 898211

Follow Up By: Zippo - Sunday, Mar 31, 2019 at 21:29

Sunday, Mar 31, 2019 at 21:29
Re third place ...

They certainly are a trigger-happy bunch over there.

3
FollowupID: 898219

Follow Up By: Nutta - Wednesday, Apr 10, 2019 at 22:50

Wednesday, Apr 10, 2019 at 22:50
the 8ft hole, how long would that take to dig by hand if machinery took an hour? don't think so!!!!
0
FollowupID: 898441

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 29, 2019 at 13:05

Friday, Mar 29, 2019 at 13:05
Subject: Biology test

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The
question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the
ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an 'A' ...

bill
AnswerID: 624688

Reply By: tim_c - Friday, Mar 29, 2019 at 14:09

Friday, Mar 29, 2019 at 14:09
Have a look at this...

THE FAIR DINKUM AUSSIE MOTORING DICTIONARY
AnswerID: 624691

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