friday funnies

Submitted: Friday, May 10, 2019 at 08:14
ThreadID: 138307 Views:2354 Replies:14 FollowUps:5
5 pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember. . .

1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.


This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay $600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE AUSTRALIAN CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours? It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this - You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...... It creates a hostile work environment.

Have a great day Bushy.
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Reply By: Glenn C5 - Friday, May 10, 2019 at 08:25

Friday, May 10, 2019 at 08:25
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing..

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.'
AnswerID: 625462

Reply By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, May 10, 2019 at 09:02

Friday, May 10, 2019 at 09:02
Heart Stopper.
Dave.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LONT1oboJrs
AnswerID: 625463

Reply By: Glenn C5 - Friday, May 10, 2019 at 09:10

Friday, May 10, 2019 at 09:10
A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London.
She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.
'Begorrah, Colleen,' says her mother. 'Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?'
Colleen replies, 'Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?'
When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mum a few months later.
This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.
Same exchange with Mum...same 'Won it at bingo!' Colleen returns to the bright lights again.
A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.
She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo.
Then she asks Mum to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.
When Colleen gets to the bathroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bath.
Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mum being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs -
'Mum! sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!'
'Indeed there is, me darlin,' replies her Mum.
'But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?'
AnswerID: 625464

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, May 10, 2019 at 11:38

Friday, May 10, 2019 at 11:38
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
..
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche..

******************************************************************************************

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled
LSD?'
Granny replies, forget the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?!

***************************************************************************************

An elderly couple are attending Mass. About halfway through, the
wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent f@rt;
what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

bill
AnswerID: 625465

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, May 10, 2019 at 11:43

Friday, May 10, 2019 at 11:43
You wanna screw for it

While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was missing. So, I asked my wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the Manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the Manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
The Manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $5,000".
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet - certainly out of my price range." She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy.

The Manager said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49, then he went into the backroom to get one. From the backroom the Manager yelled. "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you just can't send a woman to Home Depot.
AnswerID: 625466

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, May 10, 2019 at 11:46

Friday, May 10, 2019 at 11:46






bill
AnswerID: 625467

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, May 10, 2019 at 11:54

Friday, May 10, 2019 at 11:54
Paddy asks, “Mick, how did you get on at the faith healer meeting last night?



Mick replies, “He was absolute shite. Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out!”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<











Paddy asks, “Mick, how did you get on at the faith healer meeting last night?



Mick replies, “He was absolute shite. Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out!”









Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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AnswerID: 625468

Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderer - Friday, May 17, 2019 at 01:14

Friday, May 17, 2019 at 01:14
The first one was funnier than the second one

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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, May 10, 2019 at 12:43

Friday, May 10, 2019 at 12:43
A Kiwi and an Australian go to a pastry shop.

The Kiwi whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn’t notice.

The Kiwi says to the Australian:
"You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!"

The Australian says to the Kiwi:
"Watch this, an Australian is always cleverer than a Kiwi."

He says to the baker,
"Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which the Australian promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker:
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.
He eats this one too.
Then he says again:
"Give me one more cookie..."
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.

The Australian eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Australian says:
"Look in the Kiwi’s pocket!"
AnswerID: 625469

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, May 10, 2019 at 12:45

Friday, May 10, 2019 at 12:45
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over it pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that She just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you Should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I Noticed the vicar under the bed."
AnswerID: 625470

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, May 10, 2019 at 12:47

Friday, May 10, 2019 at 12:47
A Police Officer in Australia

Question:
How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a UK Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:
First - Lets pose the following question:

You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife,
and lunges at you.You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only
a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:
Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job,
my credibility and the loss of my family home?

UK POLICE OFFICER:
BANG!

AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'....
(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!)
AnswerID: 625471

Follow Up By: nats - Tuesday, May 14, 2019 at 18:07

Tuesday, May 14, 2019 at 18:07
That’s a Justine Diamond of a joke.
Quite extraordinary.
Nats.
2
FollowupID: 899225

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, May 10, 2019 at 12:50

Friday, May 10, 2019 at 12:50
Here's a great idea for a downpipe...

AnswerID: 625472

Reply By: RMD - Friday, May 10, 2019 at 17:01

Friday, May 10, 2019 at 17:01
Simply Funny.
Professor Tim Flannery, so called climate scientist and doom predictor, has just bought a beachfront home in Australia, right next to the water level which he says is rising and going to swamp communities and wash away homes and businesses.

As Professor Sumner Miller would say, Why is it so?
AnswerID: 625475

Follow Up By: Member - johnat - Saturday, May 11, 2019 at 20:34

Saturday, May 11, 2019 at 20:34
Ummm ...
Old news, that! He bought it years ago, in 2003!

Link to story is ... https://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/prof-tim-flannerys-waterside-getaway/news-story/f78bdfc72ee5a1488116215e2b26eb88?sv=56fbbb1f36ebdda9d6d065322f799093

You really need to look into things a bit more deeply.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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FollowupID: 899169

Follow Up By: Shaker - Saturday, May 11, 2019 at 21:37

Saturday, May 11, 2019 at 21:37
He was obviously in no panic to sell it, he certainly still had it 10 years later, possibly still does.
1
FollowupID: 899170

Follow Up By: RMD - Tuesday, May 14, 2019 at 18:28

Tuesday, May 14, 2019 at 18:28
Does it have sea grass matting? Snorkels in each room?
0
FollowupID: 899226

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, May 10, 2019 at 18:15

Friday, May 10, 2019 at 18:15
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 625476

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, May 10, 2019 at 20:33

Friday, May 10, 2019 at 20:33









Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 625479

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