Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Jul 12, 2019 at 11:01
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Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.
Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"
"Do what?" asked Mick.
"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day
after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin?, snowin?, hailin? .. .. ..
why would they torture themselves like that?"
"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros?.
"Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus, "But why do all the others do it"
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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jul 12, 2019 at 12:01

Friday, Jul 12, 2019 at 12:01

There are only ten times in history where the"F" word has been considered
acceptable for use. They are as follows:

10. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS
Titanic, 1912

9. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

8. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877

7. "Any @#$%ing Idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938

6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926

5. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC

4. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?D# -- Michelangelo, 1566

3. "Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937

2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ar*e!" -- Noah, 4314 BC

1. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1998

AnswerID: 626673

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jul 12, 2019 at 12:02

Friday, Jul 12, 2019 at 12:02
In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on.

The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI.
A guy is late for an important meeting.
But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

AnswerID: 626674

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jul 12, 2019 at 12:21

Friday, Jul 12, 2019 at 12:21
A Doctor Overhears a patient being rude to the staff. After some time passes where the patient, an older gentleman, was yelling and cursing at them, the patient enters the doctor's office.

He immediately complains to the doctor about a cold he has. The doctor simply asks for him to open his mouth. The patient does so irritably.

The doctor puts in the thermometer and asked the patient to hold it in his mouth for a minute.

After a few minutes of checking the patient. The doctor confirms that he does have a serious cold and recommends medicine and bed rest.

The patient immediately begins once again to complain, this time about the doctor himself. He shoots a steady stream of profanity at the doctor for a few minutes and then takes his leave.

A nurse walks in checking on the doctor to see if he is okay to find him smiling and happy as ever. The nurse becomes confused and asks: "Why are you so happy doctor? That man was a real asshole if you'll pardon me."

The doctor smiles: "I know, that's why I used the correct thermometer."


A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared!"

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.

"I looked up, and realised that two of the Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other Fokker was right on my tail".

At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly.

The pastor finally stands up and says "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war".

"Yes, that's true". says the old pilot. "But these Fokkers were flying Messerschmitt's!"

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 626676

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jul 12, 2019 at 12:34

Friday, Jul 12, 2019 at 12:34

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, Jul 12, 2019 at 19:29

Friday, Jul 12, 2019 at 19:29

Do this in your head or on paper - don't cheat!!

1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply that number by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second digits
together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies

Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Bill Shorten resignation Speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
AnswerID: 626685

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Jul 12, 2019 at 20:32

Friday, Jul 12, 2019 at 20:32
Do you fart in bed ?
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

Don't just keep it, share it along
Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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