Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 11:24
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Things to watch out for in aussie











Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 13:48

Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 13:48
If I see one more person texting and driving
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.
.
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I'm going to wind down my window and throw my beer at them !!
AnswerID: 626818

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 13:53

Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 13:53
After a beautiful wedding and the overseas honeymoon, Tom was occupied doing some welding in the garage.
His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said: "Honey, I've been thinking; now that we are married, maybe you don't need to spend so much of your time out here working in your garage. You could consider selling some of your machinery, tools and things like your gun collection, fishing gear, boat and get rid of all those stupid model cars. How about selling that old classic car that’s in the garage that only goes out once a month? "

Tom got a most horrified look on his face and silently stared at her.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "Nothing … but for a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "You NEVER told me you were previously married!”
Tom replied, “I wasn’t”.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day.
Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the fookin' skippin'!"

Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 626819

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 13:54

Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 13:54
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor
who was very interested in making a penny where he could,
so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time,
but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside
of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks,
and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed,
when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured
down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold
to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned
and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool; He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..






(you're going to love this)









"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"


Dunc
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AnswerID: 626820

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 13:59

Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 13:59
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Macron!" a heavily accented voice said.

"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!"

"Well, Paddy," Macron replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"'Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean,
me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!"

Macron paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to
move on my command."

"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
"Mr. Macron, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Macron asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Macron sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Macron , the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,
and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin, Mr. Macron!
I am sorry to inform you, that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Macron. 'Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps,
and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."


Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 626821

Follow Up By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 15:19

Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 15:19
3
FollowupID: 900777

Reply By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 15:21

Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 15:21
Tax-Free Income.

A young woman walks into a Chartered accountant's office and tells him that she
needs to file her tax Returns.

The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.'
He gets her name, address, etc. and then asks, ' What's your occupation?

'I'm a prostitute', she says.

The accountant is taken aback and says, 'That's too gross. Let's try to re-phrase that.

"The woman says, 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl'

'No, that still won't work. Need something more acceptable.'

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, 'I'm an elite poultry farmer.'

The accountant asks, 'What does poultry farming have to do, with being a prostitute?'

'Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.'

Chartered Acct : 'Brilliant !! Poultry Farmer it is and, Agricultural Income is tax-free.'
AnswerID: 626824

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 18:42

Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 18:42
The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”


“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”


"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.


He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”


The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.


Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."


The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.


The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"


The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.


"What seems to be the problem, sir?"


"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"


The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.


"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

bill
AnswerID: 626827

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 18:42

Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 18:42
A guy goes to a psychiatrist.

"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

bill
AnswerID: 626828

Reply By: Colcam42 - Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 21:30

Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 21:30
Thanks for the Friday Funnies, though we are not traveling any more, I still read the forum and look forward to the Friday Funnies. Makes my day. I sent the link to rellies in the UK, they had visited recently and were disappointed not to see a snake. Even the wild kangaroos outside our backdoor failed to turn up for them. I am sure the kids will be gob-smacked at the spider pics in this post.

PS can anyone tell me what number 11 is?

Cheers,
AnswerID: 626830

Follow Up By: 2weis - Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 22:23

Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 22:23
my guess is a pine cone
0
FollowupID: 900782

Follow Up By: Member - ACD 1 - Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 22:35

Friday, Jul 19, 2019 at 22:35
It is the male cone from the Bunya pine (Araucaria bidwillii) the nuts inside are edible.

Cheers

Anthony
VKS 3539
Work - a 40 hour interuption to my weekend!
Too many places - too little time

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3
FollowupID: 900784

Follow Up By: Member - Alan H (QLD) - Saturday, Jul 20, 2019 at 13:14

Saturday, Jul 20, 2019 at 13:14
Bunya Pine Cones can be deadly. Don't camp under the trees. They usually drop around Easter time and I think they crop better every second year.
2
FollowupID: 900789

Follow Up By: greybeard - Saturday, Jul 20, 2019 at 21:48

Saturday, Jul 20, 2019 at 21:48
You reckon the nuts are a problem, wait till you see the size of the possums that collect them
12
FollowupID: 900795

Reply By: OutBack Wanderer - Monday, Jul 22, 2019 at 01:15

Monday, Jul 22, 2019 at 01:15
I think when they said, Put a Tiger in your tank, they weren't referring to snakes

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AnswerID: 626844

Reply By: OutBack Wanderer - Monday, Jul 22, 2019 at 01:17

Monday, Jul 22, 2019 at 01:17
I'll bite, what's #11? The kid changed his face?

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AnswerID: 626845

Follow Up By: Ron N - Monday, Jul 29, 2019 at 23:13

Monday, Jul 29, 2019 at 23:13
OW - See the answer under Colcam42's post and followups.

Cheers, Ron.
2
FollowupID: 900872

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