Friday again

Submitted: Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 11:37
ThreadID: 138861 Views:2235 Replies:14 FollowUps:0
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A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:



'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.



Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.



After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'


*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.



*******************************



FEMALE PROCEDURE:



1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

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Reply By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 12:20

Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 12:20
Not sure if the post is "courageous" or foolhardy Gazz. :)
Dave.
AnswerID: 626969

Reply By: Ron N - Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 12:46

Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 12:46







I'm not real sure, if this refers to the quality of the bus management, or if it's what the bus passengers get up to?!



AnswerID: 626971

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 13:20

Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 13:20
An attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.
"Sir, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million... and I think she could be right"
The art dealer replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman, isn't she? You've just made my day.
Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary..."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon
of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
>>>

Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 626974

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 13:23

Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 13:23
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 626975

Reply By: OutBack Wanderer - Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 13:25

Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 13:25
The two American hunters fly up to Canada then onto the Canadian Rockies, as they leave the plane the pilot says, Now remember, two moose each, otherwise we can't get the plane to take off

Yeh yeh, says the hunters, and off he flew.
Two weeks later the plane shows up and as the pilot taxi's the plane to a halt, he looks out the window and see's six moose piled up.
He gets out the plane and tell's the hunters, I told you guys two moose each
Well, last year, drawls one of the hunters, the other pilot managed three moose each
Oh, ok says the pilot and they crammed the moose into the plane.

The plane taxi's to the end of the runway, turns around and guns the engine
The planes trying to lift off, trying to lift off, he opens the throttle, the engine is screaming trying to lift off, trying to lift off when all of a sudden the plane crashes into the tree's

As the two hunters woke after several hours, the first hunter says, What happened, where are we?
The second hunter looks at the plane, then looks at the runway then back to the plane and says, two hundred metres further than last year

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AnswerID: 626976

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 14:26

Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 14:26
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 16-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque, she absent-mindedly pulls out a rectal thermometer from her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says;
‘Well, that's great...that's just great... Some asshole's got my pen.
AnswerID: 626980

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 14:29

Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 14:29
THE AUSSIE VERSION OF CREATION

In the beginning God created day and night.
He created day for footy matches,
going to the beach.....
And BBQ's.......

He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's,

On the Second Day, God created water....
for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach,

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs,

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,
drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires,
heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes.
He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and
God Saw that it was good .. ...
Well..... Almost good.....

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.....
It was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!

AnswerID: 626981

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 14:29

Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 14:29
NO RESPECT

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting
any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read,
"I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a
note to the sign that said. "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"
AnswerID: 626982

Reply By: Dusta - Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 16:05

Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 16:05
the 1990's called and want their sh!thouse humour back
AnswerID: 626983

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 16:35

Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 16:35











Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 626984

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 16:37

Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 16:37
Just to keep the theme going......

WICOE Workshop...very important...a must attend..both days essential:

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each
course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this
course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

bill
AnswerID: 626985

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 16:38

Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 16:38
Saying Goodbye.

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on,
covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and
we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scooted back
into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always
tries to eat the bird.

My wife went on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house
would be empty for the night, so she explained to the taxi driver that I
would be out soon, saying 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my
mother.'

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as
we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke
her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off,
so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep
her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and
threw her out into the back yard! She'd better not sh*t in the vegetable
garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.

bill
AnswerID: 626986

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 16:38

Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 16:38
The woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"I can, if I take two," he replied.

bill
AnswerID: 626987

Reply By: Life Member-Doug T NSW - Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 19:57

Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 19:57
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very
frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack
-selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an
over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!"

"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little
neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must conserve my energy and
find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not
want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me
infidel I will show you that I am bigger than any of that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you
need. Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and said,

"They won't let me in without a tie".

still going strong with 836,179 K's

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AnswerID: 626988

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