Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Aug 09, 2019 at 09:11
ThreadID: 138899 Views:2343 Replies:6 FollowUps:2
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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Aug 09, 2019 at 09:12

Friday, Aug 09, 2019 at 09:12










bill
AnswerID: 627124

Reply By: RMD - Friday, Aug 09, 2019 at 09:45

Friday, Aug 09, 2019 at 09:45
Alarming Weather News.

Concerned about the possible effects of the big explosion in the frozen south of the planet, Green groups have travelled to the Antarctic to investigate the source of the Polar Blast which has hit eastern Australia with force.
Bureau of Meteorology says it happens every few years, and to confirm the past history is correct, they have recently introduced and used a computer programme tool called an Al, Gor, Rithm, to check the facts.
AnswerID: 627125

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Aug 09, 2019 at 10:42

Friday, Aug 09, 2019 at 10:42
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.



A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Guinness?"



The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"



The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something,



If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?



Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?



Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?



Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?



Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"



Theshop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."



The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Guinness, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"



The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings'."


.......,,,,,,,,,,.............

Who said Aussie Rules footballers aren't smart......



'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
>
> (Shane Wakelin).
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> 'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman
> Einstein.'
>
> (Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> 'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.'
>
> (Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> 'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in
Groups
> of three, then line up in a circle.'
>
> (Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training).
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Brock Maclean ( Melbourne ) on whether he had visited the Pyramids During
> his visit to Egypt :
>
> 'I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.'
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> (THIS IS PRICELESS!!!!)
>
> 'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of What
> time it is.'
>
> (Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games,
>
> 'It's basically the same, just darker.'
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton 'I told him, 'Son, what is it With
> you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
>
> He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.' (HYSTERICAL)
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Barry Hall ( Sydney ) when asked about the upcoming season:
>
> 'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> 'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago'
>
> (Dermott Brereton).
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> 'Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.'
>
> (Mark Williams).
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> At least this one could have been ironic?
>
> 'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then They
> scored.'
>
> (Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> 'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
>
> (Luke Darcy).
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> 'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which Was
> identical.'
>
> (Dermott Brereton).
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> 'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of Them
> serious.'
>
> (Adrian Anderson).
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
>
> Thing again.bk
>
> (Andrew Demetriou).
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> 'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but
There
> are none better.' (Dermott Brereton).
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> 'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a
> Lifetime for that prat.' (Terry Wallace).
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'
>
> David Swartz: 'On what?'
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> 'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'
>
> (Dermott Brereton).
Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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AnswerID: 627128

Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Aug 09, 2019 at 12:32

Friday, Aug 09, 2019 at 12:32
Psychologists and public leaders use footballers as ROLE models for
our children and promote them as examples to be respected. No wonder our kids are confused and bewildered and can't work out what is real in life when these "RESPECTED PEOPLE IN SOCIETY" are what is to be observed as wholesome and good and excellent and, and, and.
0
FollowupID: 901110

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Aug 09, 2019 at 11:43

Friday, Aug 09, 2019 at 11:43












Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 627129

Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Aug 09, 2019 at 12:43

Friday, Aug 09, 2019 at 12:43
Billj
Quite a few years ago, a mate of mine who worked for Vic Gov hit a Kangaroo with a Mitsibushi wagon. The insurance asked for a full report and he drew a far more detailed drawing, artistically skilled he was, and it showed the impact site, the path of the two objects and the deceased kangaroo on it's back with legs in air, all to explain the situation. Insurance was not amused.
2
FollowupID: 901111

Reply By: The Explorer - Friday, Aug 09, 2019 at 13:12

Friday, Aug 09, 2019 at 13:12
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
To penetrate this great unknown it would be necessary to first pass over the inhospitable regions described by Wells, Forrest & Giles - Carnegie 1896

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Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Aug 09, 2019 at 14:45

Friday, Aug 09, 2019 at 14:45
A woman went to a doctors' office and was seen by one of the new doctors. But after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and when she explained, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded....
'What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT??'
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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