Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 08:21
ThreadID: 138976 Views:3075 Replies:10 FollowUps:1
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A blonde walks into a bank in Sydney and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan office says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies... "Where else in Sydney can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

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Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 08:43

Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 08:43
A middle aged man who was fed up with the way society was heading decided to become a monk. After some research he joined a group of monks high up in the mountains of Tibet. One of the rules of these particular monks was that you were only allowed to say two words each year.

So after 12 months of praying and meditating it was his turn to see the head monk

“ Well ? ” said the head monk

“ bed hard ” said the man – the head monk wrote that down and off the man went for another twelve months of meditating and praying.

After another 12 months was up he was in the head monk’s office again for his say.

“ And ? ” said the head monk

The new monk replied “ food bad ”

That was noted by the head monk and of the man went for another twelve months of meditating and prayers.

12 months went by and the man was back in the head monk’s office for his two words.

“ Speak ” said the head monk

The man said …. “ I’m leaving ”
.
.

The head monk replied … “ Good – you’ve done nothing but whinge since you got here !! “

AnswerID: 627386

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 09:09

Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 09:09












bill
AnswerID: 627388

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 09:12

Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 09:12












bill
AnswerID: 627389

Reply By: Ron N - Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 09:54

Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 09:54
When you have a comedian for a flight steward .....


AnswerID: 627390

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 10:44

Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 10:44
Butch the Rooster


Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.
She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report just by listening to the bells.

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a fine specimen but, this morning, she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize", they also awarded him the "Pullet surprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on the planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election: You can't always hear the bells.
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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 10:56

Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 10:56







Wheelchair fails






Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 11:02

Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 11:02
On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"


And God said that it was good.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."


The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"


And God again said that it was good.


On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."


The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"


And God agreed it was good.


On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."


But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"


"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."


So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.


Life has now been explained to you.


There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service…..If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch!

..........,,,,,,,,,,.............,,,,,,,,,,,,

A New Crop of Idiots



Number One Idiot:

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today a woman called in very upset because she caught her little girl eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful & there would be no need to bring her child into the hospital. She calmed down & at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her she better bring the child into the emergency room right away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot:

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Three Idiot:

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.



Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Number Four Idiot:

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $140.00 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $140.00.



Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $140.00.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Number Five Idiot:

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21.





The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. The robber was arrested 2 hours later.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Idiot Number Six:

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, " Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.


Stay Alert Out There! They walk among us, they vote & reproduce!!

.......,,,,,,,,,...........


An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.


The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his lowly Manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.


Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.


"Abdul, you son-of-an-ugly-camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.


"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.


"But a man is sitting on the well!"







Engineer or Management



A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and
Spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

''You must be an Engineer", said the balloonist.

"I am", replied the man, "how did you know?"

''Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk".

The man below responded, "You must be in Management".

''I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

''Well", said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to

a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath

you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,

somehow, it's my f*!*king fault."







Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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AnswerID: 627394

Follow Up By: b1b - Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 21:17

Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 21:17
idiot number 4, thats a winner.

1
FollowupID: 901376

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 13:49

Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 13:49
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe.."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this bleep ..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
AnswerID: 627395

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 17:40

Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 17:40
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're gonna love this.)

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

Never take life too seriously.

??.•Pass it on!! Give someone else a reason to smile. ??
AnswerID: 627398

Reply By: MUZBRY- Life member(Vic) - Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 20:30

Friday, Aug 23, 2019 at 20:30
Gday
I had a joke for today , but its to late now, maybe next week .
Muzbry
Great place to be Mt Blue Rag 27/12/2012

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AnswerID: 627400

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