The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment had been to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $ 30" she said proudly,
" My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success. "
"Very good" said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, I explained to everyone that the magazines would keep them up to date on current affairs. I sold heaps and I made $ 45.
"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$ 2,467" he said. "$ 2,467!" cried the teacher. "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes" said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes !?" echoed the teacher .
"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample. "They all said the same thing", 'Hey, this tastes like dog shit!' " Then I would say, "It is dog shit ..... wanna buy a toothbrush?"
" I used the POLITICIANS method - giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.
.....,,,,,,,,,..........
Golden Syrup
A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a
Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden
leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a
note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is
offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he
Receives another parcel and note
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long
robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part. The man
is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong
letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse
and go as a toffee apple.
.......,,,,,,,,,,.,.........
Aussie magician
An Aussie and a Maori walk into a
bakery.
The Maori steals three pastries from the counter and puts them in his pockets.
He turns to the Aussie and says, "Prutty sluck he bro ? The owner dudn't even see me."
Unimpressed, the Aussie replies, "Typical dishonest bloody Kiwi. Mate, I will
Show you the honest way to get the same result."
The Aussie calls the owner of the
shop over and says, "Mate, I want to show you a magic trick."
The
shop owner is intrigued.
The Aussie asks him for a pastry and promptly eats it, he then asks him for another and he eats it, he
Asks for a third pastry and scoffs it too.
By now, the owner is somewhat annoyed and says, " C'mon mate, what's the magic?"
The Aussie points to the Kiwi, "Check his pockets!"
........,,,,,,,,,,,,,...........
Irish Lubricant
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had
Come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand, !!'
Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said,
'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting,
Too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,
'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'
Murphy said to the doctor,
'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said,
'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during
Conception.'
Murphy said,
'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went
home with their three children, he sat down
With his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to
Use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said,
'I'll tell you, .....it's a freaking' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
.......,,,,,,,,,...........
Arriving
home, a husband was met by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"The Chemist. He insulted me this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
The husband drove down to confront the Chemist to demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said "Now, just a minute mate . . . . hear my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late.
Without breakfast I hurried out to the car to realise I'd locked the house with the house and car keys inside. I Had to break a window to get my keys.
Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket,
Then about three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre.
When I finally got to the store, a crowd of people were waiting for me to open up.
I started waiting on these people, all the time the damn phone never stopped ringing.
Then I had to break open a bag of one and two dollar coins against the cash register drawer to give change and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the dollar coins and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it.
Half of them hit the floor and
broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up.
And I finally got to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mate, as God is my witness . . . . . all I did was tell her!”
